Musical Note To Self..

work on these songs post haste... chop chop

Ugly Dog
Time Is Everything
Hard Times Ahead For the Hambungler (Hammieburgler? Burgerburgular?)
Space Adventures
Like Butter (The Annoyance Song)
Hey!
Let's Go To The Zoo! Or The Moon!

Surely You've Already Heard This One

I feel like this blog has turned into a cycle of the same kinds of posts in here as of well... forever. It started out as an assignment for a class, then no joke I wanted it to be just a random thoughts kind of blog on various topics or things. I never wanted to turn it into my inner thoughts or journal sort of deal yet that happened. Then it was a no drama blog, then stuff happened. And finally it turned into a here's my progress of getting back on track sort of blog. Odd.

Is there anything new to say anymore? Not here anyway. There are always stories to tell, but I don't really think about this blog anymore, even though I choose to on occasion. But what is there to say really? What adventures am I having these days? Not much that I can tell really. Well there are, but they're mostly fabricated. I've done a lot of video work in the past few months so thats good. Now that I finally have all the equipment I need I've really been just going down the checklist of videos I've been meaning to work on for the last five or so years. Work is an open and shut case and all the good stories are written down for another day and posted on another blog. I can't really put it here for obvious reasons, but its still an adventure.

What else hmm... music comes and goes, exercise comes and goes and everything in between. I dunno. It's sort of a middle ground calm in the storm. A whats next? I tap my fingers on my desk and furl my brow and think think think. Not so much what do I need to do next, but what do I WANT to do next. The world is open and I can do what I want, so what is next? An apartment or house is the next little step, but that doesn't determine destiny or anything. Do I keep the job I have now for longer? Or shoot for higher ground? Do I stick around the place I call home or do I venture forth and try my hand in some other town and start over?

I dunno... I've never really liked to start over. I've had to do it far too many times in my life and very few times has it been a pleasant experience, but then again what is? Life is a series of the good and the bad and its just a matter of figuring out what works and how life works and well, I've found what works for me and that equals being happy. Happy with what I have, happy with what I've accomplished, and happy with what I know I'm capable of. I've gotta work in the motivation and not being complacent department, but for the moment I sit and ponder and ask myself what's next and hopefully not be writing this same thing out a few months from now.

Craaazy dream.

So last night I drempt I was in some future military operation checking out this

space station/warehouse thingy for zombies. While crawling in some pipes I found this

girl and I said "hey don't bit me." She said, "don't shoot me I'm not a zombie." "Thats

what a zombie would say and I don't believe you". "Zombies can't talk, so thats not what a

zombie would say." ""Good point. Lets get you out of here". And we headed out of the tunnel

but not the way I came in because everyone else would probably shoot her. We came out of the tunnel in the middle of a hotel and there was a Halloween party going on. This really big dude with a gun walked up to us but didn't say anything. She told me he was her bodyguard. "That's neat, for what?" "You know, the zombies." And suddenly everyone in the party was running screaming because zombies were eating everybody.

We ran off to hide and went into a hotel room and locked the door. Her bodyguard went outside to keep watch and said he'd stay there. After I went to the bathroom I looked out the keyhole and he wasn't there anymore, so I stuck my head out and 3 zombies in Halloween costumes tried to get in. I pushed them all out and shut the door again and decided the bodyguard had either gotten eaten or left us. Somebody knocked on the door but when I looked through the whole I saw it was a hooker. I said no thanks,

then looked again and it was a zombie hooker. Double no thanks.

Then I woke up. What a crazzzzzy dream.

In This Commotion

Springtime is here and change is in the air it seems. Over the last few months I’ve been working on pushing myself to bigger and better things or at very least more challenging ones. At work I’ve really been pushing myself to go further than I have in the past. It’s not so much a skate by the day sort of thing anymore as much as it’s a team effort sort of feeling. Really with where I’m at now it really is. If one person doesn’t do their job correctly then the rest of us suffer and while that’s a bit more pressure, I think I like it that way. I’m surprised to hear myself say that I’m preferring a team effort over an every man for himself sort of thing. Lately that’s what I’ve felt like I’m doing or wanting anyway. Then again, most of my life I’ve been that way in varied places. I really enjoy being by myself for long periods of time where I feel I can express myself to the fullest extent and not be nervous or scared to try this or that or accomplish whatever or sing louder or dance in front of the mirror in a weirder way or whatever the occasion may be. Especially in the last couple of years it’s been more of a if you want something done right do it yourself kind of attitude so it’s refreshing to see that I’m vaguely warming up to including other people a little bit.

Back to pushing myself tho, I find it even better if the pushing I’m doing is due to a personal project that I’ve set a partially unrealistic deadline for. Case in point: a music video for our song D.T.A. Over the last few months I’ve been acquiring real professional equipment and it just hit me not too long ago that I need something to do with it, so why not do what I always do when I need to branch out and test my skills? It seems like it’s always worked to get me there in the past anyway. So last night we all gathered in front of my green screen and shot a little video that was a lot of fun. It was a goofy little time and there was lots of fun to be had. Pulling up the footage today I see a lot of good stuff, but realizing that it’s going to be a nightmare putting it all together in the short amount of time I’ve given myself for it and that’s ok. It’s going to push me to overcome obstacles and learn new techniques and things I need to know anyway. I’ve already learned no less than ten new things about Adobe Premiere in the last 24 hours that I never know in the 10+ years I’ve been working with this program and I’m just getting started! Maybe it really will be time to jump back into attempting to get a job in my field before too long, who knows.

Books on Tape

I noticed a trend recently that makes me feel a bit at odds with how I look at a few people as of late. Not too long ago I reconnected with an old friend from high school whom I haven’t seen practically since then. It was refreshing to see how much he had changed since then and how much growing up he had done. Sure with age comes maturity for the most part and I was pleasantly surprised to see how much he had accomplished in the last ten years and how much he had his life together. The sad thing however is how increasingly as the night progressed at how much he not only wasn’t the same person from back then anymore, but not even the same personality either. Gone away was the goofy kid with a sense of humor, you know the guy who I was friends with a long while back. Not saying we’re not still friends now, but it felt pretty awkward at times during the dinner when I would bring up an old memory while laughing a bit only to be met back with yeah we were dumb then and a change in the conversation.

Now yes there is a difference between moving on in life and yes sometimes some people change enough to not be the same person they were yesterday, a month ago, whatever. But what gets me is when does a person change so much that all the life seems to have left out of them? To put it bluntly: boring. Now again, it’s a matter of opinion to say that being mature is a bad thing, that’s not what I’m commenting on, but to see someone’s personality change so much that they almost seem to look down on their past selves, lives, and friendships as if they were lepers or something. I dunno, it’s just a little disheartening when someone has good memories of something and others look at them as mistakes or wastes of time. Now yeah, the same example can be brought up from say a group of friends involved in drugs of some kind then somebody sobers up an looks down on that. Well yeah, that was harmful and probably a more sensible step up, but when it’s nothing like that does it make much sense to look down upon it quite as much? No matter what memory or story I brought up, they were all met with distain and a sort of blank look as if to say “yeah that happened, but it was a long time ago”. What happened to reminiscing?

The same thing happened not too long ago when I met up in a similar situation with a friend of mine who was in Mexico at the same time. Now this was a much shorter time ago but with a very similar effect. The only difference being that this friend was now married and had a newborn child. True that when someone has a child it changes them, that much I understand. This isn’t the case however; it’s as if the life had been sucked right out of him. Somebody who only a year or so earlier we were constantly joking around and laughing about… well anything. But now, not so much. When does this supposed change happen in life that you can’t really smile or laugh about something anymore? When memories become just those things that happened? The more I think about it the more I see it with various people I’ve met in my life and even people I see on a regular basis right now. That’s not getting older, that’s just weird. It’s like the meter runs out after so long and they don’t have any more change.

Be it, I’m far from being super mature in most areas and I know that, but I also know when to be serious when necessity calls for it. But I never look back and frown on the goofy things I’ve done in my life, or choose to do or what have you. Now I’m sure this all sounds pretty biased or objective, but in my head at the moment it makes a lot of sense, I dunno.

I just choose to believe that it’s never beneath me to smile and be in a good mood if I want to be. In fact, I’ve come to learn that it’s really the only way to live. It’s all in your attitude and in your smile.

Feel Good. Make Ya Sweat

I've found myself to just be exhausted as of late and I'm not really sure why. Ever since moving to my new position at work I come home pretty tired and out of it. It's a lot more demanding than I imagined, but I still love my job and don't dread coming to work every day which makes it well worth the while. Still, in part of that as well as whatever else I do/don't do with my time I find myself in a constant state of exhaustion that I'm not really sure how to bounce out of, so I'm going to put a few feelers out and see if I can change up a few things to see what helps.

First is to get a more steady sleep schedule of going to be earlier as well as getting up earlier. Make a set time to do so and get up even if I'm still tired. If I can get up early enough maybe I can have time to eat breakfast every day before work. Speaking of eating, I should probably do that more often. I've been doing better as of late, but not good enough if you ask me. So eating is definitely something to work on. And not just eating more, but perhaps a more balanced healthy diet of some sorts. I'm not really eating a lot of junk these days, but it could be better. Lastly would be to try and get some exercise in there somewhere. My days consist of sitting in front of a computer all day long and it just feels like I might be tired and worn out from sitting still all the time, like my body is craving some attention and movement. This is the first job I've had that doesn't involve any sort of physical demand of any kind so thats probably another huge chunk missing from my well being.

All these things aside tho and despite being tired a lot, its a good kind of tired as I feel good for the most part and that's ok.

Pearl Ring

I wonder what it is that possesses me to write in this blog when I am so lost in thought on things. That’s really what a journal is for, or just your brain, or talking to myself out loud. I dunno, it’s just a sort of magnet for when I think deep some days, yet it doesn’t come off deep on this blog. It comes up lost and sort of weird, lost in translation I suppose.

Today I made the realization that materially, I have just about everything I’ve ever wanted. It’s funny how a good paying job, no social life, and semi-decent savings plans can do for you. I think the drive for it has been to make a valid excuse for buying so much crap here. I have this new computer that I assembled part by part that I’m typing on right now, not to mention the new camera I bought yesterday that was embarrassingly more than I should ever pay for a camera. In hindsight the idea is that I’ll be using these things to further my career somehow. I’ve always had the plans to make a side business of making videos and projects for a living in addition to my job to help support my habits as well as build up my portfolio, but it was only the last day or so that I realized that the time is actually now. I have professional equipment and for the most part the education and experience to back it up. It’s weird how things can change from one moment to another. Sure, I’d rather have a job doing this for a living, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy spending time doing what I really love to do outside of my normal job right? Right.

And I do love my job. I’ve been in this position for a little over a month now and the more the hang of it, the more I love it. I don’t mind going to work every day. It’s hard work and it gives me a headache and a little bit of stress from time to time, but it’s all worth it. A job I can do well, enjoy, and get paid decently for it? No way. Thanks life, you’re doing me a solid. It reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend of mine the other day who reminded me of a crude drawing I put on their fridge apparently early last year that said: “2010 can go fuck itself”. I don’t honestly remember writing that, but I don’t doubt it. I do remember thinking to myself on New Year’s Eve 2010 hey 2011, go easy on me this year ok? And it kinda was sure; it kept its end of the bargain that’s true. NYE 2011 I made the same request to 2012 asking selfishly for something better and here we are just about 2 months in and life is so much better than it was even a few months ago. It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty ok and I can handle that.

The thing that is weird is that I haven’t been at this point in my life for a long time where everything seems to balance at least for the moment. I sit and wonder when the next topple will come, but I’ve learned that you can’t sit around and wait for that inevitable moment to hit you like a ton of bricks, you just have to roll with it and make the best of the time you have. Something does feel like its missing, but I think that’s a feeling of living life that I’ve forgotten about as well. When you are finally in a plateau moment and not just clawing your way up some mountain of regret or pain or trying to forget something. That time that you’ve sat for a few minutes and caught your breath and wonder what’s next or what could be on the horizon. I try not to look down anymore, but it’s human nature but I guess that’s part of what drives you to climb the proverbial mountain higher right? Like a pearl ring, it may be rough on the outside, but its smooth in the middle and pretty to look at, even if its behind glass in some sort of museum gathering dust. You can't reach in and put it back on anymore, but there it sits until one day it goes into another part of the museum or to another attraction somewhere else. I dunno, there was somewhere this was going but its late and I can't see straight anymore.

All I know is that this is a time to plan, figure out, and most importantly execute what I want and need to keep on trekking and I intend to do just that.