And I Can Try Again, Tomorrow

I guess I’m a creature of habit as I seem to make little points of origin in my life and occasionally like to reflect back to see how far I’ve come/grown/retracted/improved or what have you. Today I guess is one of those days.

It’s been a year now since I’ve had to start over again and really I don’t have all the answers, I doubt anybody ever does in life, but it sure feels like sometimes you have more than others or at least you should. Before then I felt like everything was where it was supposed to be, even though I had no real clue how the real world beyond school worked it didn’t matter much to me. Those have been hard lessons all in their own that I had to learn since then, but it’s not all that complicated either.

No, really a lot of progress has been made I suppose in some areas, not so much in others. I look back at myself a year ago and where I had absolutely no clue where to go from there and had only very very short term plans to make it week by week and occasionally day by day or hour by hour. The time for now is stretched to month by month or handful of months so that’s improvement anyway.

I’m stable physically, well when I don’t make myself sick from not eating but that’s always happening from stress for years and years, and financially…for the most part. I’ve got a “career job” and I’m quite honestly crawling out from the debt and lack of savings hole I was in a year ago. Sure I have my mountain of bills per month, but I’ve been able to organize myself a little better where even after all my bills are paid for the month there is enough to put a good chunk into savings as well as live off of, so that’s progress. Not as fast as I’ve wanted it with my plans of moving into an apartment have various numerous times throughout the year due to the circumstances, or people changing their minds, or what have you, but it’s still going smoothly.

Mentally it’s a day on day off thing I guess. I’ve already mentioned about pushing a lot of what’s happened deep down, but it still pops up a lot, more recently a lot in dreams, but that’s something I really think won’t ever go away no matter what along with those feelings so I can’t really do anything about that. But the fact that I’m still able to smile and keep at it from day to day if at least for a while, I guess that’s what is more important.

I’ve made various accomplishments both professionally and personally in various fields the last year and made as well as lost an amount of friends and acquaintances. That’s normal for a year’s progression, so still good there I suppose.

I guess the only other thing that’s changed is my outlook and goal in life in particular. I still don’t know what I’m doing. I used to have such an optimistic view of life and the future that everything will work out somehow someway someday. Now, I still have an optimistic view, just not so much for me. Less of a pessimistic why me view, but more like a apathetic whatever thing. I’ve pretty much resigned to just living life however it comes to me for now and for the foreseeable future. I don’t have plans to “find that all again” or “find my place” really either. I’m just sort of here. I know I currently have plans to try and change jobs for something more prone to what I want to do, but in the meantime I can stay where I’m at for as long as I can stand it and live just fine where I’m at.

This is the usual point where I lose focus in my writing and just sort of trail off. It becomes a sort of pseudo journal entry mixed with a semi less than formal letter. Why though I wonder do I still write like this? I’m not really sure. Maybe it’s that subconscious again trying to write to a much smaller audience in particular that won’t ever see the light of day of this entry who knows. Either way, today is another day I suppose, just like the day before and the day before that. I can sit and daydream of where life would be right now, or where I want it to be all day long but it’s not going to change today and the here and now. It’s just an exercise to write it out from time to time when I feel the need I suppose. That or I’m just a sucker for my own traditions and memories.

And I'll Be Right Here Waiting, Until My Phoenix Rises Up

Lately I haven’t been sleeping well. Ever since I started working at HP I’ve been out like a light based on how tired I am. Every day I wake up to a feeling of uncertainty and slight stress due to the nature of my job. Every day is something new, but at the same time the same kind of stuff. The problem with my job, which I love, is that there is never a real sense of accomplishment. One call may make my day and I totally fix a huge problem, but the next could be a nightmare. The next 3 calls could be equally bad. Every day it starts over and you never know what it is. I’m not very good about those kinds of situations and it causes a bit of stress and nausea every morning but it usually goes away shortly after. That might be part of the not sleeping well, when I remember that the next morning it’s back into the thick of things, but I don’t think so.

No, the real reason I haven’t been sleeping well is on account of the dreams I have. I love to dream. It’s that moment where you come up with crazy abstract things, see familiar faces that you haven’t seen in a long time, and have bizarre adventures all over the place. Sometimes they’re good and sometimes they’re bad, but they’re always interesting. Lately however, I’ve been having nothing but nightmares. Well, not nightmares per say, they’re actually really good dreams that I consciously feel great about while I’m having, but the very second that I wake up and realize it was a dream, they become regretful nightmares that make me feel like crap for a good long while afterwards.

Occasionally these dreams are about my dad and things surrounding that. Those aren’t nearly as bad however, especially when they all point to the fact that one phone call and swallowing a lot of pride could solve that situation, but I’m not ready for that. No, the majority of the nightmares I have, and more and more frequently as of late, have to do with Virginia. Sometimes they involve my now perceived idea of her being angry and annoyed with me, other times it’s a hesitant to talk to me personality, but ultimately agreeing to at least speak to me about things often resulting in working out something. Lastly are the ones that happen least of all, but are the sweetest yet most depressing. Those are the ones where she is nothing but the sweet, friendly, and caring person I fell in love with such a long time ago like it was from day one. Those are the dreams that hurt most of all.

I mentioned not too long ago in a conversation with my mom about my well-being, and I really rarely admit this now a days, that I’d still been having dreams about her and I couldn’t figure out why. She pointed out that it’s probably because even though I’ve tried to bury it all down so deep, my subconscious remembers that it was about a year ago now that it all ended. This Sunday to be exact, but whatever. Honestly it didn’t even occur to me. Has it already been an entire year on my own? It’s not been a pleasant one that’s for sure. I’m still reeling from it all and still struggling internally about a lot of things because of it.

Maybe I just needed to write this down to admit to myself out loud I don’t know. I just know that she’s still very much in there and I still very much regret how things ended. There are just some days where after having one of those dreams it leaves me feeling a little broken and lost I suppose. Today is one of those days as was yesterday, but I dunno. I just know that despite all regrets or mistakes on my part or her’s that my feelings haven’t changed and she’s always going to be there deep down somewhere. I can still have that at very least.

Time Is Nothing.

Don't Just Stand There

As I sit here today my brain is being pulled into far too many different directions. Today is my only day off next week with my schedule changing into my more permanent one tomorrow. Tomorrow I begin my job as I was hired to do. After 9 weeks of training and doing work in other areas, I'll finally be taking calls to the specific department and customers that I'm supposed to do. I won't lie to say that I'm not a little nervous because I am, but I often catch myself and just remind myself that to take it one call at a time and that they're calling me for help, not vise versa. Make them work on your time and just do your best. It'll be ok. Now tell myself that tomorrow when I'm alone on the floor because my team is not scheduled over the weekend, but that's another story :)

Last night we had our first band practice after recording the album and it was a nice affirmation that we're all still on board and that even though I've been listening to these songs for the past few weeks track by track they still sound fresh and are fun to play. Things are slowly falling into place regarding this whole ordeal and I'm pretty excited about it. We've got our act together quite a bit better than last time and everything is coming together seemingly all at once, which is really nice. Its still a little bit nerve wracking to wonder if people are going to like our new songs or not, but also the excitement of getting the album done and getting to share it with other people. It baffles me that we're doing this again and recording yet another full length album of entirely new material. Zounds!

We're looking at having the songs mixed at Blue Chair studios, where we recorded our last EP, in a week so that'll be done. After that we're looking into getting the songs mastered out in TN, but we're not sure about it. It mostly comes down to $. Horrible horrible $. I for one am very excited about some of the extra stuff coming on this cd. Not only are there all new songs, a lot of which mean a great deal to me, but we've also got some fantastical guest stars on the cd as well. Mike is making a cameo as always, and we got Garrett Hunter back to record some things specifically for the album unlike the sample we used last time. I'm trying to get my friend Wesley of belair fame to hop on but it sadly doesn't look like its going to happen at this point. What I'm really really excited about however, is that I'm currently working with my good friend Ryan White of Birds of New York (formerly of Resident Hero) to sing some backing vocals on the album. Talk about a dream here.

I mentioned that these songs mean a great deal to me and they do just as all T3 songs have in some form or other. Mostly that they're something I took the time to dribble out from my brain and had talented people make them sound good. Sometimes they have a little bit of my personal life stuffed into them as well. More than half of the T3 songs of the past have dual meanings that really I don't talk about nor are very noticeable unless you know me really well or can figure it out. Like some kind of puzzle. There are less than subtle references to a lot more things in my life in these new songs like I've never dared to put them in before. And they're not the obvious ones either *cough like like letters cough* No, nearly every song on this new album has background in something that has effected me over the last two or so years. They're all still goofy and all have goofy themes and are about something silly. However, at the same time a lot of them have roots in something profound to me as well. Maybe one day I'll divulge those to people, but probably not because then it just makes this music depressing and I don't want that. I just want them to stay fun for everyone :)

Is It Ok To Leave The Past Behind?

It seems quite often that the music of a good friend of mine seems to echo similar struggles in my life that seems to ask the questions for me while I ponder a response. I've been going back and listening a lot to the song 'Vendetta White' by my friend's band Birds of New York and its making me draw a few similar conclusions in life.

According to Ryan, the song is his reaction to the downfall of Resident Hero with all the feelings during the aftermath of being hurt, angry, and moving on. As the song progresses its seems to reflect back on the series of emotions that he went through and the feelings of hope and finally leaving it all behind and looking forward. Lines such as: "I was a battle cry, the dark of black
But the older that I get the less I want it back" and "Is it okay to leave the past behind?
Keep moving forward with your eyes up to the sky" seem to resonate most.

Lately I've done a lot of reflecting on the past. Moments I haven't thought about in a long while that have had profound effects on my life. Moments that I wonder if I've just forgotten about, gotten over, buried away so deep that I've shut them out, I don't know. Not all bad things, just things that don't seem to register to me as real memories anymore, just that they did in fact happen and I don't seem to notice anymore. The whole path of where I've been with this band, when my folks divorced over ten years ago, and the more telling and recent struggles I've had within the last year. Its just a wonder how my brain works sometimes. I know for a fact that when I'm deeply troubled about things I immediately let my mind wander to something else to handle the shock of things, but eventually take it a piece at a time. Other times I just don't think about them at all, letting them sink deep....somewhere. I'm not really sure where. Where do they go? And more importantly will they ever come back up? Or do they go there to die?

The latter is obviously not the case as some things in life that I bury down deep have scarred so badly on the way down that they still are alive and kicking down there somewhere, but the concept of not thinking about them makes the situation all the more strange if and when I do reflect back on them. The prominent players that were once a big deal, be they family, friends, or loved ones tend to become background characters or strangers in general. They take on different roles that I don't quite recognize anymore sadly. And it is sad to think about. I've had best friends in years past that I don't see, keep contact with, nor think about anymore when those days long ago I would spend so much time hanging out with them. Don't even get me started on relationships because those are sadder as is.

The point I'm trying to make here is that question in the title if not a little more, "when is it ok to leave the past behind?" and "when are you able to?" I guess now a days I go from the phrasing that Time is Nothing and everything will come full circle and make right one day to Time Is Everything and that every key moment and key person in your life has their moment or moments then their part is done, like in a play. Once the curtain is drawn down they take their bow and head off stage, never to return. Its sad how life works out that way. Sadder that if you push it down deep enough that you don't even seem to care, even though there is no denying that you are denying and that you do care. So very much.

I've become pretty consistent in messing up things in life so well I should get paid for it.

You Don't Just Eat The Bread...

I think I've done a post like this a number of times already but now as things are getting closer to finally getting under way I guess it makes sense to organize my thoughts a little better.

When I was in high school I started to fantasize about being in a rock band. I always dreamed about what it would be like to write music, perform it, record albums and all that jazz. In 2007 I started to make that happen with Mike. It was a goofy little project that I blew way way out of proportions, but in the long run I think that's what helped make it happen in the first place. When T3 began I had a very clear set of goals in mind that I wanted to accomplish: play a show and record a album. Once we got started it changed from playing one show to playing many shows at specific places, most notably Juanita's. We one by one started to accomplish every goal I had set out to work with and more little ones kept popping up. The goal of making an album came about in fall of 2008 when we recorded and released the full length 'Your Music Is Bad and You Should Feel Bad'. From there the goals were expanded into playing some of the other venues and eventually writing and recording more music. I always wanted to do a follow up album, but it seemed like that was a distant goal that wasn't going to accomplish, so it kept getting put on the back burner. We played nearly every major venue in Arkansas and even recorded in a real studio. Seemingly all goals were met. Then what?

We took time off, I debated on ending it here and there, gave up a few times, and even finally decided to call it a day when other priorities became more important to me. Then things changed again and T3 started up again although slowly and kind like we had a gimpy leg. This time I made sure to prioritize a bit differently and just control what I could instead of attempting to corral every possibility. If we couldn't get booked, we would write music. And write is just what we did. I at first purposely didn't book any shows, then booked sparingly over time. After lots of thought and work and everything out the idea of a second album became my distant dream, then my obtainable goal, and finally its right on the doorstep and there is so much work to do.

Putting out an album in general is a lot of hard work. You have to consider a lot of aspects that you wouldn't think about: how are you going to release it, track list, album artwork, what songs to include and what songs to drop, etc etc. A big factor is the wondering if people will even like it. We are entering into the new phase territory where we'll be judged based on our original album by comparison. People will now either like it or dont like it, prefer one over the other, or possibly point out growth or new direction. Its scary stuff. The writing for this album is the most different way we've every done it too. The first batch of songs were written by a large variety of people over time, but never as a full band. Not a single song on the first album was written by the same people in the same place at the same time. They were all done in phases. The only recorded song that we have that was done that way is Momma's Boy. We are now a 5 piece. Even though that's been the case for the last two years, with the exception of that one song, none of the music was written with our current lineup in completion. Its all a different sound so to speak and a whole new beast I suppose.

Time will tell how it stacks up and if it will be generally well received or rejected by the folks who listen to it. We've played a handful of the new tracks live, but never have really gotten too much feedback on the songs in general, just in minor cases. All I know, is that we as a band enjoy them and have had fun with them and think and feel that other people will too. At least we hope anyway.

We're set up to start recording over labor day weekend and that'll be that. Mixing and mastering over time after that and we'll probably see a release in October sometime. Meanwhile I'm working on a part 2 of the story of T3 documentary as well as a making of the album dvd to package with the album. Not to mention that as soon as we start mixing some of these tracks it'll be time to make some music videos. Lots of work ahead of us, but the good kind of work. The kind that sees results and a finished project. My kind of work.

On Birthdays

I've had the biggest amount of writers block for this blog as of late. There have been so many topics that I wanted to write about, but just never did so for one reason or another. I think that's a pretty universal feeling at the moment in general. I'm not sure if its fatigue or frustration or whatever, but I haven't felt like completing hardly anything in the last month or so. There's a general feeling that comes around when August rolls around, at least in the last few months anyway.

In the past its been the end of summer and the start of school, or in college the end of school and the beginning of my summer/fall run. Since I'm out of school now it seems like the seasons and months are just going to blend together in a big wad of some sorts. My eight weeks of training at HP are almost up and we'll be hitting the floor taking live calls in a few weeks. That both exciting and terrifying to say the least. There are days where I think "I've got this" and others where I sit and wonder just what in the hell I'm doing there. Whatever. In the meantime I'm building up my savings slowly and its giving me something to do so I can't complain.

On the side I'm creating a variety of video projects that I'm not exactly being hired for, but I'm still doing so that can work towards my own portfolio. Things from documentaries to dvds to music videos and promotional pieces. Its exciting to self teach myself a lot of this stuff because the technology is available like never before and pretty affordable if you know what to do look for as well. I was told the other day that a friend of mine is going to help sell me a really professional HD camera with a lighting kit and tripod for relatively cheap in the next few months and I can't wait to get my hands on it. Hopefully, just hopefully I can find a destination either within HP to move into so I can work on video or find a job elsewhere in the near future to be able to put these skills to use. I enjoy my job don't get me wrong, but there is still that feeling of wasting my time a little or of not completely feeling fulfilled in what I'm doing. Working on film and projects of the sort do that, which is probably why I went to school for it. I just need an outlet. But of course I also need money so that's where I'm at for now.

My birthday is this Saturday and just like the past ten years or so I don't really care all that much. I get the same questions I do every year of "what do you want for your birthday" or "what would you like to do". Honestly, its just like any normal day for me really. Sure, internally I do a lot of thinking and reflecting on that day, but for all intensive purposes I don't really separate it as a special day anymore. I'm usually in school or work or some other thing that day anyway and its just a normal day. I don't really like doing anything on those days either. Maybe it feels extra weird this year because last year I kept making the comparison of "the last time I'll do this on my own" or whatever. It was fully formed in my head that this week (today through Saturday) was going to be the birthday spectacular week with another special day in mid week. Beginning and ending with birthday and all sorts of excitement in between. Well that's not really the case and I don't really care anymore, but the thought does pop up from time to time. Oh well.

Now the thing I'm excited about is coming next week, but I'll save the bulk of that for another blog. We're going to record a new full length album and that's always an exhausting, stressful, yet rewarding, and really fun undertaking. Its been a long month and I think I'm ready for it to be done already. It just seems strange to me how streamlined this year has gone and how quickly it has passed on. Before I know it the year will be over and 2012 will be upon us. Strange how time works huh?