I'm With You

I don’t remember exactly when I met you but I have flashes in my brain of when I think it was. You once said it was at a picnic your freshmen year where I showed up with mutual friends and apparently had my camera and filmed some of it. I vaguely can recall this but might just be from the camera lens, which I can’t currently find and that’s upsetting. That was in the spring of 2002 either right before or right after I graduated from high school. I don’t recall seeing you much after that until 2003. I assume we saw each other a handful of times more because at some point you were my friend on AIM based on the instant message logs I still have. On a snow day in the early winter of 2003 I picked up friends and brought them to your house for a snowball fight, then we all went to someone else’s house. We continued to talk off and on from then on out. I brought you lunch a time or two at school when I snuck in after graduation. You went to the movies with Alex and I that summer in Little Rock as well as got in a water balloon fight in your front yard. I drove with a friend a few hours to see you be the drum major in a marching competition with the band when I hadn’t slept the night before.

At some point I thought you were cute but was going out of the country soon so I didn’t do anything about it. You invited me to a formal dance at bandcamp that summer and we had a wonderful time. We danced with friends and slow danced to ‘I’m With You’ by Avril Lavigne. I started to fall for you in that moment and had Mike not interrupted me after the dance I would have kissed you. We started to hang out more and more as the summer faded, school began, and the fall was upon us. You started dating someone else and I was ok with that since I was leaving soon. I told myself to put aside those feelings to concentrate on the upcoming tasks at hand. Regardless in the weeks leading up to me leaving we hung out nearly every day. I picked you up from school and drove you to various activities. We chatted online and you would come to me with problems with your boyfriend to which I would attempt to give good advice. I planned a sleepover at my house for my friends so I could spend time with as many as I could before I left. You were not allowed to stay over but you did hang out for a few hours. We planned a surprise birthday party for you a week before your birthday so that I could attend since I would be gone by then. You were quite surprised and happy and cried. I gave you a photo collage of all of your friends. It was a good day.

The day before I left I watched you during halftime of the high school football game to be drum major once again. We took a picture in the parking lot and you gave me a big hug while tears began to fall. I gave you a letter to read later. I didn’t see your face for another 2 years. While I was gone you were probably the most consistent with writing to me. You wrote letters, you emailed me, you talked to me via instant messenger when we happened to be online at the same time, and you sent me packages. I never intended to tell you how I felt because I felt so out of place. You were still dating someone and confiding in me the struggles you went through in your day to day life. I think I went ahead and told you that I liked you at that point because I was lonely and struggling with adjusting as well. You told me that you liked me as well but we both agreed to put it aside until I came home. I warned you to not wait for me but that we’d see what happened when I returned because I didn’t want to lock you in to someone you wouldn’t see for a while. You both did and didn’t do that. You eventually boke up with your boyfriend, assured me that it wasn’t because of me, and dated off and on for a while. You later told me that you tended to compare them to me without thinking about it and that’s why they didn’t last long. I selfishly enjoyed hearing that and made me feel better. We continued to say we weren’t going to talk about it, but then we’d talk about it and kept bringing up hypothetical scenarios about when I came home. You were one of the biggest shining lights to me when times were the toughest.

I flew home on your birthday but you didn’t know. I purposely told everyone I was coming home a week later so that I could spend some time just with my family as well as surprise everyone. Two days after I came home it was black Friday and you were working at Hastings. I didn’t know you’d be there at the time and I panicked. I left the store without you seeing me and I sat on the curb outside to build up some courage. I went back inside to buy a cd and got in your checkout line. I pulled my hat down low so you couldn’t see my face and debated just not letting you see me but instead I said “it’s probably a good idea that you don’t scream here” as I pulled up my hat to reveal my face. Poor choice of words honestly, what if you mistook me for a robber or something? You stifled a scream anyway and started to cry as you ran around the counter to give me a big hug. I promised to come see you when you got off work and left. I returned later that evening and followed you from work to your house where we hung out for a few hours, just chatting and catching up. Your hugs were so tight and felt so good. You showed me your dorm, your roommate, your car, just anything and everything in your life you wanted to share with me. We hung out or chatted every single day from then on. There were a lot of moments of what are we going to do, but just lived in the moment. Lots of lingering moments where we thought we would kiss but we didn’t. I formally asked you out on a date for lunch. We cuddled while watching movies. A few weeks passed and your patience started to run out. As you walked me to the door to leave one evening, you pinned me up against the wall and got so close to my face without touching me until I kissed you. You later told me that I was”not the best kisser, but the best first kiss I’d ever had.” I was ok with that because it meant I had room to grow.  We were off to the races until we weren’t.

I was having an incredibly hard time readjusting to time back home. I didn’t know who I was anymore or where I stood in the world. Everything had changed drastically in two years and I wasn’t sure how to proceed. I told you that I wasn’t sure I could handle a relationship just yet and asked if we could slow down. A decision I still regret to this day. You didn’t like it but accepted it and so we did slow down. A lot. We both still really liked each other but I was complicating things unnecessarily. Or maybe it was for the best, while I did feel the most comfortable and happy when I was with you, I wasn’t comfortable or happy in any other part of my life as I struggled to figure things out. None the less we still talked or hung out nearly every day. We continued to grow closer and occasionally still cuddled or made out. I was just scared. Then I got into my own head knowing I was going away for school the next summer and what did that mean for us? I said things I shouldn’t have and based my decisions thinking we wouldn’t last before we even tried.

You started entertaining attention from other boys who came forward to ask you out. You always held back however, hoping I would come around and we would figure things out. I was being selfish and jealous and would sabotage these advances but still wouldn’t move forward with you. I was a piece of shit. We went on a trip to see my favorite band out of town for a weekend and you didn’t tell your mom. She was very controlling and you didn’t want to make her mad. One of those boys decided to fight back and anonymously told your mother about where you went and you got in trouble and she blamed it all on me and drove a rift between us. You had also become interested in my beliefs and also didn’t tell your mother. When she found out. I was no longer welcome in your home or around your family. You didn’t do anything about it and I resented you for it when I shouldn’t have.

As spring turned to summer we had cooled off considerably. We were still friends but I continued to become more bitter and looking towards the future when I’d leave and start a new life across the country. You were torn between me and another boy you had started dating. I was jealous and mad but didn’t try to make it right. We still hung out on occasion but far less. We talked less frequently as well. You eventually told me that the boy you were dating confessed that he was the one who told your mom about all those things that she blamed me for. You said you had moved on from it and wasn’t mad at him about it. I lost my tempter and wrote you off for the last time. We barely spoke after that.  You occasionally would reach out to me but I would be cold and find an excuse to not talk to you. Eventually you stopped trying. We lost touch and at some point stopped even being connected on social media so I had no idea where you were or what you were up to and vice versa.

In the spring of 2009 you messaged me to tell me you had gotten engaged and how happy you were. I don’t think you were trying to throw it in my face, but just trying to reconnect with someone who used to be important to you to share in the good news. I was indifferent and cold. You asked if I would be interested in coming to the wedding the next year. I told you I’d still be in school and that it probably wouldn’t be a good idea anyway. I think that hurt your feelings even more because I believe that was the last time you reached out to me.

In 2020 in the middle of the pandemic I started reflecting on life as I think a lot of people did. I started coming to terms with a lot of mistakes I had made in my life and if the guilt was really worth holding on to. Poor decisions that I had made, people that I had hurt. I thought about a lot. I made list of these things if there was any way to right the wrongs of the past so that I could move forward. Your name was at the top of the list. I wrote a few letters to a few people during that time but I think yours was the longest. I apologized to you about the way I had treated you, led you on, let you down, and abandoned our friendship and everything in between. While I was going through boxes I found your letters, pictures, and chats and realized just how bad it actually was and how badly I had messed up. I sent you that message not knowing if you would ever get it let alone reply, but at least I had said my peace. You replied within a day. You accepted my apology and said to leave the past where it stands and to move forward. We started to talk again through messages. We added each other back on facebook and other social media. You gave me your number and we would text funny pictures on occasion or memories of things we had gone through. A few months went by and you asked if you could see me when you came home to visit your family that summer. We met for lunch it was like those 14 years hadn’t gone by. You smiled that big smile and laughed your funny laugh as you gave me such a huge hug. We laughed and chatted and reminisced over lunch, updating each other on where our lives have taken us. You told me how happy you were with your new life in New York, where you always dreamed of living. You had a great job, your awesome dog, and were always looking out for adventure. That was the last time I ever saw you, but you were so happy.

We continued to stay in touch on occasion over the years. A meme here, a memory there. Commenting on social media. You got into a bike accident earlier this year and I checked on you when I made fun of your ‘crab hand’. You scolded me and told me it was healing alright and was no longer a crab hand thank you very much. You asked me how my summer was going and I told you about the trip we had planned at the time to go to Florida. You told me you made a similar trip with a friend the year before and hoped I would have a fun time. A few months later I took a picture of your childhood home after having lunch with my dad since he lives not far from there. We talked about it briefly for the last time.

In my life there were many girls that I’ve had feelings for, gone on many dates, and even been with. But you, you were my first real love. You were not my first kiss, but you were my first real kiss. While we were only “official” for a few days we practically were for that time and you were my first real girlfriend. You were the one I thought about for over two years while I was in another country. You were the first one I had daydreams of maybe being the one to spend my life with, to even be open to the idea of having someone to spend my life with. I still have my regrets to how things went and how I went about it, but life works out the way it’s supposed to I guess. It made me happy to see you be so happy for so long after I exited your life, that’s the important part. And even though we hadn’t been involved for nearly 20 years now you’ll always have that spot in my heart for being the first real one.

 

You were wonderful and deserved the world. I love you so much and I always will.