I'm With You

I don’t remember exactly when I met you but I have flashes in my brain of when I think it was. You once said it was at a picnic your freshmen year where I showed up with mutual friends and apparently had my camera and filmed some of it. I vaguely can recall this but might just be from the camera lens, which I can’t currently find and that’s upsetting. That was in the spring of 2002 either right before or right after I graduated from high school. I don’t recall seeing you much after that until 2003. I assume we saw each other a handful of times more because at some point you were my friend on AIM based on the instant message logs I still have. On a snow day in the early winter of 2003 I picked up friends and brought them to your house for a snowball fight, then we all went to someone else’s house. We continued to talk off and on from then on out. I brought you lunch a time or two at school when I snuck in after graduation. You went to the movies with Alex and I that summer in Little Rock as well as got in a water balloon fight in your front yard. I drove with a friend a few hours to see you be the drum major in a marching competition with the band when I hadn’t slept the night before.

At some point I thought you were cute but was going out of the country soon so I didn’t do anything about it. You invited me to a formal dance at bandcamp that summer and we had a wonderful time. We danced with friends and slow danced to ‘I’m With You’ by Avril Lavigne. I started to fall for you in that moment and had Mike not interrupted me after the dance I would have kissed you. We started to hang out more and more as the summer faded, school began, and the fall was upon us. You started dating someone else and I was ok with that since I was leaving soon. I told myself to put aside those feelings to concentrate on the upcoming tasks at hand. Regardless in the weeks leading up to me leaving we hung out nearly every day. I picked you up from school and drove you to various activities. We chatted online and you would come to me with problems with your boyfriend to which I would attempt to give good advice. I planned a sleepover at my house for my friends so I could spend time with as many as I could before I left. You were not allowed to stay over but you did hang out for a few hours. We planned a surprise birthday party for you a week before your birthday so that I could attend since I would be gone by then. You were quite surprised and happy and cried. I gave you a photo collage of all of your friends. It was a good day.

The day before I left I watched you during halftime of the high school football game to be drum major once again. We took a picture in the parking lot and you gave me a big hug while tears began to fall. I gave you a letter to read later. I didn’t see your face for another 2 years. While I was gone you were probably the most consistent with writing to me. You wrote letters, you emailed me, you talked to me via instant messenger when we happened to be online at the same time, and you sent me packages. I never intended to tell you how I felt because I felt so out of place. You were still dating someone and confiding in me the struggles you went through in your day to day life. I think I went ahead and told you that I liked you at that point because I was lonely and struggling with adjusting as well. You told me that you liked me as well but we both agreed to put it aside until I came home. I warned you to not wait for me but that we’d see what happened when I returned because I didn’t want to lock you in to someone you wouldn’t see for a while. You both did and didn’t do that. You eventually boke up with your boyfriend, assured me that it wasn’t because of me, and dated off and on for a while. You later told me that you tended to compare them to me without thinking about it and that’s why they didn’t last long. I selfishly enjoyed hearing that and made me feel better. We continued to say we weren’t going to talk about it, but then we’d talk about it and kept bringing up hypothetical scenarios about when I came home. You were one of the biggest shining lights to me when times were the toughest.

I flew home on your birthday but you didn’t know. I purposely told everyone I was coming home a week later so that I could spend some time just with my family as well as surprise everyone. Two days after I came home it was black Friday and you were working at Hastings. I didn’t know you’d be there at the time and I panicked. I left the store without you seeing me and I sat on the curb outside to build up some courage. I went back inside to buy a cd and got in your checkout line. I pulled my hat down low so you couldn’t see my face and debated just not letting you see me but instead I said “it’s probably a good idea that you don’t scream here” as I pulled up my hat to reveal my face. Poor choice of words honestly, what if you mistook me for a robber or something? You stifled a scream anyway and started to cry as you ran around the counter to give me a big hug. I promised to come see you when you got off work and left. I returned later that evening and followed you from work to your house where we hung out for a few hours, just chatting and catching up. Your hugs were so tight and felt so good. You showed me your dorm, your roommate, your car, just anything and everything in your life you wanted to share with me. We hung out or chatted every single day from then on. There were a lot of moments of what are we going to do, but just lived in the moment. Lots of lingering moments where we thought we would kiss but we didn’t. I formally asked you out on a date for lunch. We cuddled while watching movies. A few weeks passed and your patience started to run out. As you walked me to the door to leave one evening, you pinned me up against the wall and got so close to my face without touching me until I kissed you. You later told me that I was”not the best kisser, but the best first kiss I’d ever had.” I was ok with that because it meant I had room to grow.  We were off to the races until we weren’t.

I was having an incredibly hard time readjusting to time back home. I didn’t know who I was anymore or where I stood in the world. Everything had changed drastically in two years and I wasn’t sure how to proceed. I told you that I wasn’t sure I could handle a relationship just yet and asked if we could slow down. A decision I still regret to this day. You didn’t like it but accepted it and so we did slow down. A lot. We both still really liked each other but I was complicating things unnecessarily. Or maybe it was for the best, while I did feel the most comfortable and happy when I was with you, I wasn’t comfortable or happy in any other part of my life as I struggled to figure things out. None the less we still talked or hung out nearly every day. We continued to grow closer and occasionally still cuddled or made out. I was just scared. Then I got into my own head knowing I was going away for school the next summer and what did that mean for us? I said things I shouldn’t have and based my decisions thinking we wouldn’t last before we even tried.

You started entertaining attention from other boys who came forward to ask you out. You always held back however, hoping I would come around and we would figure things out. I was being selfish and jealous and would sabotage these advances but still wouldn’t move forward with you. I was a piece of shit. We went on a trip to see my favorite band out of town for a weekend and you didn’t tell your mom. She was very controlling and you didn’t want to make her mad. One of those boys decided to fight back and anonymously told your mother about where you went and you got in trouble and she blamed it all on me and drove a rift between us. You had also become interested in my beliefs and also didn’t tell your mother. When she found out. I was no longer welcome in your home or around your family. You didn’t do anything about it and I resented you for it when I shouldn’t have.

As spring turned to summer we had cooled off considerably. We were still friends but I continued to become more bitter and looking towards the future when I’d leave and start a new life across the country. You were torn between me and another boy you had started dating. I was jealous and mad but didn’t try to make it right. We still hung out on occasion but far less. We talked less frequently as well. You eventually told me that the boy you were dating confessed that he was the one who told your mom about all those things that she blamed me for. You said you had moved on from it and wasn’t mad at him about it. I lost my tempter and wrote you off for the last time. We barely spoke after that.  You occasionally would reach out to me but I would be cold and find an excuse to not talk to you. Eventually you stopped trying. We lost touch and at some point stopped even being connected on social media so I had no idea where you were or what you were up to and vice versa.

In the spring of 2009 you messaged me to tell me you had gotten engaged and how happy you were. I don’t think you were trying to throw it in my face, but just trying to reconnect with someone who used to be important to you to share in the good news. I was indifferent and cold. You asked if I would be interested in coming to the wedding the next year. I told you I’d still be in school and that it probably wouldn’t be a good idea anyway. I think that hurt your feelings even more because I believe that was the last time you reached out to me.

In 2020 in the middle of the pandemic I started reflecting on life as I think a lot of people did. I started coming to terms with a lot of mistakes I had made in my life and if the guilt was really worth holding on to. Poor decisions that I had made, people that I had hurt. I thought about a lot. I made list of these things if there was any way to right the wrongs of the past so that I could move forward. Your name was at the top of the list. I wrote a few letters to a few people during that time but I think yours was the longest. I apologized to you about the way I had treated you, led you on, let you down, and abandoned our friendship and everything in between. While I was going through boxes I found your letters, pictures, and chats and realized just how bad it actually was and how badly I had messed up. I sent you that message not knowing if you would ever get it let alone reply, but at least I had said my peace. You replied within a day. You accepted my apology and said to leave the past where it stands and to move forward. We started to talk again through messages. We added each other back on facebook and other social media. You gave me your number and we would text funny pictures on occasion or memories of things we had gone through. A few months went by and you asked if you could see me when you came home to visit your family that summer. We met for lunch it was like those 14 years hadn’t gone by. You smiled that big smile and laughed your funny laugh as you gave me such a huge hug. We laughed and chatted and reminisced over lunch, updating each other on where our lives have taken us. You told me how happy you were with your new life in New York, where you always dreamed of living. You had a great job, your awesome dog, and were always looking out for adventure. That was the last time I ever saw you, but you were so happy.

We continued to stay in touch on occasion over the years. A meme here, a memory there. Commenting on social media. You got into a bike accident earlier this year and I checked on you when I made fun of your ‘crab hand’. You scolded me and told me it was healing alright and was no longer a crab hand thank you very much. You asked me how my summer was going and I told you about the trip we had planned at the time to go to Florida. You told me you made a similar trip with a friend the year before and hoped I would have a fun time. A few months later I took a picture of your childhood home after having lunch with my dad since he lives not far from there. We talked about it briefly for the last time.

In my life there were many girls that I’ve had feelings for, gone on many dates, and even been with. But you, you were my first real love. You were not my first kiss, but you were my first real kiss. While we were only “official” for a few days we practically were for that time and you were my first real girlfriend. You were the one I thought about for over two years while I was in another country. You were the first one I had daydreams of maybe being the one to spend my life with, to even be open to the idea of having someone to spend my life with. I still have my regrets to how things went and how I went about it, but life works out the way it’s supposed to I guess. It made me happy to see you be so happy for so long after I exited your life, that’s the important part. And even though we hadn’t been involved for nearly 20 years now you’ll always have that spot in my heart for being the first real one.

 

You were wonderful and deserved the world. I love you so much and I always will.

Let's Get The Party Started

 On a rare snow day that happened to coincide with a day off I'm forced to slow down for a minute and take inventory of myself.  Its definitely something I need to make myself do on occasion anyway and its one of my goals for the year but none the less here I sit inside where its warm listening to music and watching Benji chew on a treat in his little bed next to my desk.

At the beginning of every year I always have a feeling of starting anew, a time to reflect and decide what direction I want to head towards for the year with goals and the like. In the last few years however I've noticed that its the beginning of the year that I tend to reflect on the past a lot more this time of the year due to how many moments of my life happened in this time of year.  

Reading old blogs this morning was making me think about how things have changed since I graduated back in 2010.  One of the biggest things that weighed heavily on me was the future. It was so uncertain and I was so concerned about not getting to where I had hoped and imagined to be. Here I am now 12 years after the fact and have to remind myself on occasion that despite the present day stresses and obstacles that I have managed to make it this far and succeeded in overcoming the things I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to. It hasn't been easy and often times it hasn't been fun. Mostly from going through periods of crappy stressful jobs to having no job to barely having two pennies to my name, but I've managed to make it somehow. This is not a brag by any means, but sometimes I have to remember that I've accomplished something of myself to at least somewhat pick myself up from the depressing state of mind I'm constantly in. 

All my life the biggest most realistic goal I've had is just to have my basic needs met. I'm a simple person. I just want to not stress out over knowing if I have somewhere warm to sleep and have food to eat. To not be afraid of being out on the street and I've managed that and a bit more. There's always money stress so I haven't gotten completely to the point of not having to worry about it, the last 2 years not withstanding, but I know that if I try hard enough I'm generally in a position to make it work somehow even if it isn't the most fun or pleasant or might lose some sleep over it.

I have debt but its manageable. I have a job that I can support myself with. I own a house. I have somewhere to go and call my own. Its been a long hard road for the last decade but sometimes I need to just stop for a second and remember that it hasn't all been for nothing. There are results and while its not the same image I had back in 2010 its still a life worth living even if sometimes I struggle to remember it.

Lions are Prowling The Streets

 I often wonder where my head is at during different parts of my life. Before social media and a lot of other internet hangouts, its hard to look back and see what I had going on unless I remember specific events or happen to be actively writing in my journal.

But post social media years its an easy correlation to see if I was happy or sad. I've noticed I, probably like a lot of people, tend to post on social media more when I'm depressed or alone. If I look back over the years and view posts on different networks I notice that when I was single I would post more often. Not always posts about me being sad or anything, but just more in general. More pictures, more random comments, more of everything. Especially when I was alone or depressed. Why? Probably for the same reason anyone does, its a way to extend your hand out into the internet void in hopes that someone will reach back and connect with you.  

On the other side, I've noticed large blank portions where I would rarely post anything at all. Those were usually times I was either incredibly engrossed in a project or more likely in a relationship that and was too busy to post. Too busy being happy I suppose. Then things have changed over the years for sure. I just don't post much online as I used to as I've gotten older. Mostly due to the fact that I don't feel like sharing my entire life online for privacy reasons or don't believe anyone cares to know what I ate for dinner.

Most things I post in the last few years are bad jokes or small tiny life updates when I feel like pulling back the curtain a bit. But what happens when both worlds collide? I don't feel like posting anything about myself and I dont feel all that connected either. What happens when I'm super lonely all the time and am in such a funk that I dont reach out anymore?  Do I still exist? Or am I always that person sitting on the corner watching the world go by?

 Lately it feels a little like this anyway. I've gone through pockets over the last year of being content and then being really down. Being enthusiastic and being exhausted.  Optimistic and motivated and downtrodden and just depressed.

I just wish there I could remember my process of how to navigate the ups and downs like I used to so that I don't sit here alone on a Saturday night posting on a blog that is hidden away because I want to say something, but I don't honestly want anyone to read it. I guess I just always assumed that at this point in my life I wouldn't be experiencing these times of situations. I never expect life to be perfect but at least hoped to be past the feeling of being here and nowhere at once.

I think music is the answer, and I keep making 2 steps forward and 1 step back every time I pick up my guitar, but its getting there. The real question however is how will I feel once I put all of this into words and songs that I've felt for the last decade or so and don't keep it to myself anymore. Will I feel a sense of relief? Or will it leave a large music shaped hole where this project has been sitting forever now?

Time Traveling

I’ve always been a sucker for nostalgia. I think a lot of people are. My entire life I’ve been in a constant cycle of living life and thinking back to specific memories and dates in time over and over again to recognize where I’ve been and where I want to go. Sometimes this is helpful for me to better myself, sometimes it’s a little depressing when I remember things I could have done better or regrets that I still had but maybe buried deep. Overall it’s been something I’ve done for a long time but I feel like I’ve slowed down recently. Part of it is probably what I had mentioned previously about life being different now and not as many obvious chapter points to divide things up and make them easier to remember. In the last month however, I’ve done it a lot. Probably because I’m at another point in time where I can easily digest major time milestones. You know, the easy ones to remember, 5 years, 10 years etc.

The older I get the more of these I end up with since you don’t really think of too many memories when you’re too young to think about them I guess, but as you get older you end up with a decade of something that you’re self-aware of and can reflect back on. When I turned 20 I thought about most of my life prior to that. Same thing when I turned 30 I thought about my 20s.  A lot of people looked back in 2020 to 2010 or even back as far as 2000. 

For me 10 years ago in 2011 is another one of those shifting points in my life. The years surrounding it kind of mash in there as well.  So here in 2021 I have a lot of prominent memories of 2011 since so much changed and happened.  While I’ll have been married for 7 years this fall, it’ll be 10 years of dating next week. That’s crazy to me. Before this, my longest relationship didn’t even make it to 2 full years. So I feel like every step I take at this point in new territory. Same with work, I’ve never worked a job for as long as I have now either.

It’s just interesting to me that I’ve done a lot of time traveling this past month thinking about the past and have remembered a lot of things I’ve long since forgotten about. I’ve made realizations about things and pivotal moments all those years ago that I wasn’t aware of at the time that are plain as day today. It’s ironic that around the same time I started re-reading the Time Traveler’s Wife again. I hadn’t read it since 2009 probably, maybe once since then. But it wasn’t a conscious decision to go back to it, just kind of popped in there while I was thinking about the past.

Now I’m looking at this constant cycle of events and I’m noticing patterns as I get older. Cycles I seem to get into in various forms here and there and it fascinates me. It’s a full spectrum of emotions from good to bad. Achievements and failures. I think I’m in the middle of another one of those right now, but I can’t tell which end of the spectrum I’m on. I’ve made good decisions and I’ve made big mistakes. I guess time will tell where I’m at in the circle. So maybe I’ll be looking back to today 10 years from now and it’ll be a little bit clearer to me.

Scars

 

Lately I’ve been caught up in thought about a lot of things. The present and the past. It’s a norm for me to reflect on my past to asses where I am in the present to make sure I’m staying on track with my goals or perhaps to just see if I can recognize what choices led me to where I am so I can continue to make them or course correct for the future. I find myself doing this a lot more during the new year every year as I think most people do. Its an easy checkpoint to look at the previous year and make resolutions for the next.

 

For me often enough it happens more this this of year because of past experiences that felt like a new start. One of the things that has helped my memory has been breaking up my life in various grouped experiences or sections of time then placing memories into those little chapters making them easy to recall when I think about those times. I’ve stopped doing it as much in recent  years, mostly for a lack of defined moments when things sort of blur together, but when possible I do. Seeing that I’m closer to 40 now my memory isn’t what it used to me and recalling everything as clearly as I used to isn’t as easy. Its probably a sign that I don’t do it as much anymore so much like a muscle, not recalling these memories makes them fade a little.

 

Anyway, for the longest time I divided my life into various chapters so to speak somewhat like this:

 

Childhood up until my parents divorce

High School

Early college/pre Mexico 2002-2003

Mexico 2003-2005

Post Mexico 2005-2006

BYUI 2006

T3 Years/UCA/Target 2007-2008

Return To Idaho 2009-2010

Post Breakup/Moving On 2010-2014

Marriage 2014-Present

 

The last couple probably could be divided better, but it all sort of mushes together. Sometimes these chapters I divide in my head based on time, others major events, or just periods of work. Point is, early Jan/Feb/March was a big change for me for a few of these events. When I was fed up with school in late 06 and decided to move back home, I spent the first few months of 2007 starting over. When I was determined to finish school and graduate and went back to Idaho in 2009 the first few months were me starting over once again. Then at the end of 2010/early 2011 I had to make a 3^rd fresh start and figure myself out one more time.   So to say I get nostalgic in the 1^st quarter of the year is an understatement. Nearly every one of these chapters was born around the same time and usually from sort of traumatic or at least sad catalyst. Or at least kick started by one. So springtime usually feels like a feeling of rebirth for me.

 

2007 I learned to break the mold of my pre-determined life plan by I had thought up years early by dropping out of college.

2008 I learned to depend on myself and express myself for who I am

2009 I learned how to study and knuckle down to achieve my goals and started a deep relationship that defined my life for the next few years.

2010 I learned more about myself and at least the beginnings of what it means to put someone else first in a relationship and your needs secondary, at least sort of. It’s a trait I’m still working on to this day,

2011 I learned to be ok with being alone and figure myself out again while starting something new.

 

And so on and so on.

 

So what really kickstarted this was thinking about my face while thinking about this time of year. This is the same face I’ve had during all those events, but the landscape has changed and scars have taken the place of smoother textures. Both physical and internal I suppose. I think I’m just mushing up two different things here now, but I don’t care. I don’t think anyone reads this blog anymore or remembers it exists. Hell, I forgot it exists up until recently. So I feel it’s a safe place for me to just type streams of consciousness into the void for nobody to hear and that’s ok.

 When I look in the mirror I often turn my attention to my right eye. More specifically around my right eye. I still have two deep scars from where I got part of my face torn open and had to basically have mini plastic surgery to fix it years ago. I still don’t completely have feeling back in my eyebrow and its been a long time. Yet when I look at it, I remember the story behind it and the feelings and emotions around that day that accompanied the events that caused the scar. I hope it never goes away because it’s a good reminder me for various important things. I have a few scars like this on my body that I feel the same way about. My left hand has one from when I was a kid and fell down on the playground, my leg has one from when I got bit by a dog while walking my dog a few years ago. Various burn marks on my hands from working in bakeries.  I used to have more but I’ve noticed that they’ve begun to fade or disappeared altogether.

 I used to have one on my left inner arm where I scratched it helping my mom move something in the garage in late2010. For some reason while I looked at it, it reminded me of my then predicament and I decided to use it as a visual reminder for what I was going through and kept pulling on it every few days to not let it heal until it would leave a bigger scar. It’s all but gone now, but I can still see remnants of where it was and while it’s probably a good thing, it still makes me sad to see it go. Despite what it represented I feel like that scar just internalized and is still there even if I can’t see it, but I’m still working on it but that’s a story for another day.

 

Healing takes time for both the physical and mental and the scars I’ve still got both physically and mentally are here to stay and to remind me of where I’ve been and what direction to go in the future.

How I Met Her

This month marks five years since Janna and I “officially” have been together. The actual date and how long we were dating is honestly debatable, but we ended up celebrating our anniversary in May even though we had been hanging out for a few months prior.

 

I can say that I overly romanticize or make overtly dramatic our origin story, but to me at least on my side beings way back in the year 2006.  That’s 5 years before we even met mind you.  I am a big believer in cause and effect as well as the theory that everything happens for a reason.  I’m not getting into a theological debate here on well why do terrible things happen, is it because I did something good or bad?  I’m not talking about the butterfly effect or some moral crusade here, I just believe that life proceeds down different paths based on the choices we make and the choices of others that affect us either directly or indirectly and well… cause and effect. I believe that a lot if not mostly all things in my life happen for a reason.  I may not know or understand then or the next day or sometimes even years down the road, but that they do for something.  Case in point, my relationship with Janna and a lot of the disappointments and challenges I went through in order to get there. Again, this is long winded and probably overly dramatized but I don’t care. I’ll tell the story how I want to.  She’s got her own path to what led her to meeting me and should she choose to believe it’s as zany as mine that is up to her. But as for me, this is what I think about.

And it’s going to be long.

Let’s turn back to 2006 shall we? Or maybe even a bit longer just to set the stage.  In late 2005 I returned home after spending two years in Mexico.  I was on a weird track system at BYU Idaho, so I wasn’t able to return to school until the summer so I spent the spring semester at UCA.  Then, in June I traveled out to BYUI for the summer and fall semesters.    A lot of things happened during those 7 months and I made new friends, learned a lot of things about myself, and just experienced life in a different way than I had when I went to school previously in 2002.  During that time a friend of mine from Conway was also attending school out in Idaho as well, so from time to time I would drop in to say hello.  What I can only assume was to play match maker, she attempted to set me up with one of her roommates.  Or that roommate thought I was cute, or she just didn’t want me hanging around anymore. I don’t really remember. Anyway, that roommate was Sarah.  At the time I was 21 turning 22 that summer and Sarah had just graduated from high school earlier that year and was 18.  Remember back when you were in your early 20s and started to notice a big difference in your age and how you acted and folks in their late teens? You probably also noticed this as you progressed through your 20s and started into your 30s.  You didn’t want to hang out with 20 year olds because now it appeared that you were a lifetime apart.  There was nothing wrong with Sarah and in fact was pretty mature and fun to hang around. I just wasn’t particularly interested and had my eyes set somewhere else.  None the less, we hung out from time to time and had fun while doing so.  She’ll come back into play later.

                As the summer semester ended and the fall semester began I made attempts to date another girl, ironically now her name was Jenna and sometimes when Janna and I meet new people they mishear and think she said her name was Janna.  Anyway, I can skip over this part of the story mostly.  It didn’t end up very well after a few dates and the only reason I bring it up is because it was on the pile of things I had grown to be upset about while being out in Idaho and decided that school out west was not for me and that I wanted to go back home. And so I did. While trying to decide what step to make, I figured that I would at least attempt to continue to take classes at UCA since it was there and I could, so I did. I attended the spring and fall semesters at UCA and another one in the fall of 2008.  Now, sitting around on my butt was not an option as I had bills to pay, I needed a job.  After a lot of searching I ended up at Target on the flow team, which essentially is the team that re-stocks the shelves at 4am.  This turned out to be one of the most beneficial jobs in my life. I met so many new friends there and while working there is where the genesis of T3 as we know it came to be by working with Nick, Josh, and Derek. And while T3 is also important to the story, I’m going to gloss over that too. In the summer of 2007 I also worked with a girl named Paula, whom I really started to like.  We became good friends and hung out together along with a lot of other people from work and it was a good ole time. Paula and I started dating in September of that year and life was pretty tiring, but good. Things started to fall apart for a number of reasons the next spring, but we held on until early summer when she broke it off with me.  I’ll be honest to say that I was a wreck for far too long after that. I learned a great deal of lessons that summer and fall including the fabled “you can’t be close friends with an ex and get over them”.  That was part of my mistake.  Now we stayed friends and still are, that’s not a bad thing, but the fact that I kept hanging out with her and couldn’t let go is what caused me to get pretty depressed and try to do what I could to be happy.  All through the fall of 2007 and all of 2008 I started spending more and more time on T3, because in the sad times that really kept me going.  After Paula and I broke up, my full time job other than school…and well my full time jobs that I had, was T3 and that was ok with me. T3 helped me to find my smile again and grow my confidence. And while I didn’t want the music party to end, eventually I knew that in order to really move on, I needed to get out of there for a bit.  Through a couple of experiences and dreams that I had, the idea of going back to school in Idaho came popping in there. Sometime that summer, so did Sarah again.  I don’t remember if I wasn’t friends with her on Facebook, or she didn’t have one, or I just took notice again, but we reconnected through Facebook through the summer here and there and into the fall.  Eventually she ended up being the tip of the scale in returning to Idaho.  A lot of things started to click into place with the idea of moving back there and to have a friend waiting on me that I could escape all of this with was icing on the cake. So it was decided, I re-enrolled at BYU Idaho for the winter semester of 2009.  Upon arrival my friendship with Sarah went in a few different directions that to this day sort of baffles me. It went from friendship, to a little more, to I don’t know what I want, to me hurting her feelings, to me walking away from her one evening and avoiding talking to her again.  I felt awful about it, still do but I’ve since apologized and its all good. Just at the time I thought I knew what I wanted, but as far as I can tell I just wasn’t ready to move on yet, or didn’t I’m not sure. Either way, what felt right before I got there suddenly didn’t as soon as I did. So, I found myself now mostly friendless and alone in the freezing tundra of Idaho. I’m not kidding. I had a 7am class that semester and one day my professor sent out and email saying that the forecast for the next day was -20 degrees and that you need to make sure you bundle up really well when you go to class. Go figure.

                When it did feel right however was just around the corner and a few weeks later. Another reason why I felt like such an asshole by saying that I wasn’t ready and suddenly I did start dating someone a few weeks later. That someone was Virginia.  She and I dated, save a month or so, for the next year and a half while I finished school and beyond.  I graduated college finally in the summer of 2010 and had gotten engaged to her a few months prior. While struggling to figure out how to proceed, I ended up moving back home temporarily while I looked for a job. She wasn’t going to graduate until the next spring when we were planning on getting married in 2011. The months got frustrating as I couldn’t find a job nor figure out where to live as well as keep up a long distance relationship. There were other things going on, but again here’s a point of it not being important to the story.  She broke off our engagement and relationship in November of 2010 and I was at the lowest point I think I’ve ever been in my life for obvious reasons.  It’s a real challenge to be moving towards a certain unwritten future with someone only for it to get pulled out from under you and you now have absolutely no clue as to what to do.  I was even at a point of preparing to end T3 on my end. Not sure if anybody knew that, but I was.  Not because I wanted to, but because I knew that I would put more time into T3 than to get motivated to getting a better job somewhere outside of Arkansas and move forward.  Then all that jazz happened and suddenly there was no date in the future I was working towards, no reason to move out of Arkansas, and no need at the moment to do anything really. So instead I went back to work at the UCA bookstore where I had worked off and on part time for a decade and threw myself into T3 instead. I must have written the entire album of Don’t Just Stand There over a few days during breaks at work, but again, that’s another story.

                Now here’s where all of this is important to point out where I was with myself. My self-esteem was at an all-time low and I was more depressed than I had ever been in my entire life. Even to the point of wondering if life was worth it anymore. Anybody that knows me, knows that I kinda like living and have a lot of optimism in life, so this was obviously a bad time. There are a few other bits to the story here of various friends reaching out to me and trying to cheer me up and while successful in bringing me up a bit, it was still incredibly lonely and hard to face life. I love to spend quite time to myself. It’s a shared family trait. I like people, but I also love my me time. During this period, I wanted none of that. I wanted to be around people as much as possible, but at the same time I didn’t want to be around anybody. I’m sure somebody knows what I’m talking about. I might agonize about an invitation to hang out with someone and would most likely decline eventually even though I didn’t want to be alone. I lived in my room and slept a lot. On the rare occasions that I did go out, I just wouldn’t talk much. I’d sit in the corner and just be there. Well the point of all this, is that in January of 2011, I had started to come out of my funk ever so slightly that I was at the point I just mentioned, that I would sometimes start to go out, even though I wouldn’t really interact. I just wanted some human contact and not be so alone.  Well, one of these fateful Saturdays a friend of mine had invited me to a friendly get together in town. He encouraged me to come out, have some food, and just observe. This time too I agonized about going out or not and eventually I did. I sat in the parking lot for a bit however thinking that I really didn’t know this friend super well and most likely wouldn’t know anybody there. Did I really want to feel even more alienated? I remember thinking, well just drop in and say hello or walk by and if I didn’t feel up to it, I’d excuse myself to the bathroom and just step out. This was in a public place after all. It was a get together at Ryan’s in Conway. The restaurant, not my loud friend. I went in and was spotted immediately by my friend who is the sort of guy to be loud in public and cause a scene. Now everyone knew my name and that I had arrived. I guess I couldn’t just slip out after all. Anyway, as fate would have it, while he wasn’t a friend of mine that I’d hang out with very often, he was a good friend of Janna’s and she was there.   And the happiness started to come back from that day forward.

And that’s how it all started. The rest of what happened is another story all together, but on today of days, I like to think about the journey to how we got there and that today while we’ve been “officially” together for 5 years, we’ve been married for nearly 2 and that’s just fantastic. Not at all what I expected that day when I finally decided to leave the house and go hang out with friends.  So some might say, well none of all that nonsense could have happened and you might still have ended up at that get together and met Janna. Yeah maybe. But had things not gone the way they had I wouldn’t have gone back to Idaho, nor come back home to live after getting dumped, nor have been in the mindset that I was at the time.  Again, I believe in cause and effect and that things happen for a reason. I don’t always know the reason, nor do I like it sometimes, but it’s something I believe in. And when I think about my super long ‘How I Met Your Mother’ sort of story with Janna, this is how I think of it. It’s a wonderful event 5 years in the making and is just getting started.

2013 In Music

Another year gone by and another list that I have enjoyed making.  I noticed that I forgot to do this last year, but that’s ok, live goes on.  I think I’ll make a 2^nd post later adding some other categories of my favorites in 2013, but we’ll see.  There were really not too many albums that I picked up this year and I regret that a bit. However at least a few of them that I did pick up this year managed to stay in my stereo for  plenty of time as is.

Paramour – S/T

I don’t try to justify Paramore for what they’re not. They are a pop band with a rock twinge to it. That’s it. Really they are Hayley Williams with some dudes playing instruments behind her, but that’s a different point.  This album is just fun.  Tracks are mostly all pretty up tempo and move well enough.  There are points where I can only take so much of a sweet tooth for it, but overall it’s a fun album that I enjoy driving around with in the car for a bit. 

Fall Out Boy – Save Rock and Roll

I’ve never been a big Fall Out Boy fan.  I’ve enjoyed a number of their songs that have been on the radio, but that’s about it.  I’m annoyed at everything Pete Wentz does as well as a lot of things they’ve done in the media. Patrick Stump however is the saving grace of it for me.  He is a fantastic singer and I greatly enjoy following his works. I really enjoyed his solo music from last year so when they popped up with a new album this year I figured I’d give it a listen.  Honestly, it’s not like their previous efforts. It finally feels like they’re not trying to be that hip band that the kids love anymore, it just feels like a solid pop rock album and I’m ok with that.  Stump’s vocals go all over the place in all the right ways and the vast majority of it stays pretty up tempo enough to hold my attention from start to finish. And that says a lot, but I really can’t sit and listen to their other albums nearly that long.

Jay Jackson – Sketches

I’ve known Jay for only a little over a year now and really aware of his musical talent for a bit less than that.  Jay Jackson is and always has been a powerhouse vocally and talent wise but its always been behind a band or doing solo cover work.  Now with Jay’s solo album here I get to see just exactly what he’s made of in all areas and I was not disappointed.  Not only are they well-crafted songs that just sit smoothly in your brain meats, but you feel like you’re going through a little journey into the psyche of Mr. Jackson’s life and recent adventures and trials.  There’s a lot said in these songs both directly and in-between the lines that give a real glimpse into the mind of what drives him to keep doing what he does, despite the fact he keeps “retiring” from music every so many months or so.  Yes I sang on one of the songs on the album, but personally don’t count it as a part of the album since it feels so out of place there tone wise, but whateves. It’s a great album.

Sick Puppies – Connect

I’ve been waiting on another Sick Puppies album for a long long time and it’s finally here. I listened to their previous effort Tri Polar on repeat for the longest time.  Unfortunately for me it suffers the same fate as another album on the list.  I think I’ve just been in a sort of mood for a certain kind of album this year I dunno, but it doesn’t seem to rock enough.  It’s a bit softer than its predecessor and that’s ok just not what I was in the mood for when I first picked it up.  It’s the same old Sick Puppies sound as always, which is fantastic, but it dials it back a little to make it just a little more personal.  There are some very driving tracks on here, but it just feels like the overall unity of the album shifts midway in.  Tri Polar was raw and angry from start to finish, but Connect sort of evolves as it goes on.  Pretty good stuff, just falls a little short from previous efforts to me.

30 Seconds To Mars – Love Lust Faith + Dreams

So here comes the long awaited 4^th album that nobody was really waiting on.  See, here’s my conundrum with the Mars gentlemen. I’ve been a fan of theirs since before their debut album way back in 2002. I loved their first album then after getting used to the change in style loved their 2^nd even more.  I got a little tired of the same ole same ole I kept seeing/hearing from them towards the end of that album’s tenure and just kind of moved on in musical tastes for the time being.  Then here came their third album, which I hated. Then I saw them perform it live and gave it another chance and I started to like the first half of the album. The latter half not so much and left it at that.  So now, no expectations whatsoever and their new album comes out and just yuck. Well, not yuck but not good either.  That is if you’re expecting a rock album, but why would you expect a rock album from a rock band?  Granted the first 3 tracks are high energy and lots of fun. I love them very much, but only up to that point. From there it just lowers the bass and settles into some alt/prog rock groove or something.  Its ok sure, but kind of feels like they blew their load at the beginning and are just trying to keep up for the rest. 

Ryan White – Cry Wolf

 I want to come back to this one and give it its own review seeing that its along the same lines as his previous efforts I've listened to. But to be short and brief, its full of heart and emotion just like all of his other works. Its a bit more raw and different from everything else and softer since its a more or less acoustic album. Take that as you will and I'll come back to it later.

Honorable mentions because I barely listened to them at all, just now got into them, or haven’t listened to them all the way through:

Hotline Miami soundtrack

Anamanaguchi – Endless Fantasy