Tuesday, November 30, 2010
and in other news
Stay tuned kiddos its about to be a bumpy ride. Thankfully I have a list prepared of other things to talk about to keep my brain busy. Expect more junk to distract myself while I figure myself out soon.
What happened to this?
This is super personal, but on a night like tonight I'm so angry I don't care anymore. So I ask myself and anyone else out there who might stumble upon this. What happened to this?
"First of all, I’m incredibly sorry for all that was said tonight. It was quite rough, but it had to be said in order for you to understand me a bit better. Tonight, like most nights, I was thinking as I was typing the ideas; so these thoughts really were something sort of new to me. I’ve known for a couple of weeks that I’m scared, as you know; but I haven’t been able to understand why. I am very relieved to have finally pin-pointed it so that I could think it out in my head and make a decision, which I have.
As you know so well, I am a very independent person. I like to be able to take care of myself and I like to say that I’ve accomplished things completely independently. Since I’ve met you, I’ve learned how to stretch a little and let you help me out when I’ve screwed myself over for the hundredth time instead of just struggling, crying, and eventually—painfully—figuring it out myself. Your coming into my life has made my life that much easier and that much more logical.
I have always dreamed of going off and seeing big concerts with bands I actually like; but that dream didn’t come true until I met you. You get me off my ass and help me accomplish things I never thought I could—and all through a little pushing and persuasion (and sometimes bribery). I have gone miles, personality wise, since I have met you. I used to be so bored and boring. I wasn’t creative in my recreation at all.
The most important part of all of this, however, is the love I’ve felt and the love I’ve been willing to share. Robert, you’ve opened me up and shown me that guys aren’t all dicks and testosterone. Through you, I’ve come to know myself much better because you’re a reflection of me. You’re the person I never thought I would find: the man who is caring, sweet, creative, loving, sarcastic, and cynical all rolled up into an unbelievably cute package of man meat (that’s right, I said it ;)). And on top of all that, you love me with all your heart for who I am. You make me feel beautiful and wanted and useful even when I feel like shit.
What I’m trying to get at, Robert, is that I thought about everything that was discussed tonight and started crying at the thought that you may be crying right now. I hate hurting you, but most of all I can’t imagine living my life without you. Sure, getting married will strip me from a certain amount of independence; but I’m willing to make that sacrifice in order to be with the man I love and who loves me for the rest of eternity. Plus, I would imagine that just living with Robert Shepherd will be an adventure all in and of itself.
So, yes, this will happen. And yes, it is permanent. I’m yours forever, Robert, and it won’t be questioned again.
As always—you are my rock, my best friend, and my love. I’m silly to ever consider denying those facts.
I hope this eases your mind as it has mine. I love you always—"
The worst part is that yeah I'm pissed off, but while going through things to get rid of on my computer I can't help but regret, feel bad, and have a wave of sorrow come back. Why is that? Because no matter how mad I get, no matter how frustrated I am I still love her. LOVE. I've never quite known what it truly was before I found her and even after all the shit she's pulled on me, I love her still. Even after all this shit she just pulled on me and doesn't seem to give a fuck. I love her still. That doesn't just "go away" or "fade out". Not like that anyway. So I'm still left wondering what happened to this? And honestly I know I'll never find out.
"First of all, I’m incredibly sorry for all that was said tonight. It was quite rough, but it had to be said in order for you to understand me a bit better. Tonight, like most nights, I was thinking as I was typing the ideas; so these thoughts really were something sort of new to me. I’ve known for a couple of weeks that I’m scared, as you know; but I haven’t been able to understand why. I am very relieved to have finally pin-pointed it so that I could think it out in my head and make a decision, which I have.
As you know so well, I am a very independent person. I like to be able to take care of myself and I like to say that I’ve accomplished things completely independently. Since I’ve met you, I’ve learned how to stretch a little and let you help me out when I’ve screwed myself over for the hundredth time instead of just struggling, crying, and eventually—painfully—figuring it out myself. Your coming into my life has made my life that much easier and that much more logical.
I have always dreamed of going off and seeing big concerts with bands I actually like; but that dream didn’t come true until I met you. You get me off my ass and help me accomplish things I never thought I could—and all through a little pushing and persuasion (and sometimes bribery). I have gone miles, personality wise, since I have met you. I used to be so bored and boring. I wasn’t creative in my recreation at all.
The most important part of all of this, however, is the love I’ve felt and the love I’ve been willing to share. Robert, you’ve opened me up and shown me that guys aren’t all dicks and testosterone. Through you, I’ve come to know myself much better because you’re a reflection of me. You’re the person I never thought I would find: the man who is caring, sweet, creative, loving, sarcastic, and cynical all rolled up into an unbelievably cute package of man meat (that’s right, I said it ;)). And on top of all that, you love me with all your heart for who I am. You make me feel beautiful and wanted and useful even when I feel like shit.
What I’m trying to get at, Robert, is that I thought about everything that was discussed tonight and started crying at the thought that you may be crying right now. I hate hurting you, but most of all I can’t imagine living my life without you. Sure, getting married will strip me from a certain amount of independence; but I’m willing to make that sacrifice in order to be with the man I love and who loves me for the rest of eternity. Plus, I would imagine that just living with Robert Shepherd will be an adventure all in and of itself.
So, yes, this will happen. And yes, it is permanent. I’m yours forever, Robert, and it won’t be questioned again.
As always—you are my rock, my best friend, and my love. I’m silly to ever consider denying those facts.
I hope this eases your mind as it has mine. I love you always—"
The worst part is that yeah I'm pissed off, but while going through things to get rid of on my computer I can't help but regret, feel bad, and have a wave of sorrow come back. Why is that? Because no matter how mad I get, no matter how frustrated I am I still love her. LOVE. I've never quite known what it truly was before I found her and even after all the shit she's pulled on me, I love her still. Even after all this shit she just pulled on me and doesn't seem to give a fuck. I love her still. That doesn't just "go away" or "fade out". Not like that anyway. So I'm still left wondering what happened to this? And honestly I know I'll never find out.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
What a wild world
Sometime when I was in middle school the crazy world of Pokemon hit america by storm. At the beginning of the wave there was only the game and shortly after the cartoon, toys, comics, card games, blah blah blah. But in the beginning it was a game and just a game. The mechanics are still the same however.
In a world parallel to our own, they seem to have a extreme amount of wider technology than we do, well at least when it comes to taming these wild beasts and their care thereof. They also have a form of item transportation and video chatting that honestly we are only just now starting to scratch the surface today. But unlike our world they have no animals. None. Just pokemon. Think of it. I never realized that there are no cats or dogs or birds or anything. Well there are birds, but they are big cartoony birds that are various species of pokemon. All of these animals are tamable and you can have as your very own pet. Very neat. The problem here is the structure in which people go about this sort of thing.
Thinking back on it, when I was a kid I was completely in favor of this. It was neat to be treated like an adult and be independent, roaming around the world going where you please, capturing and taming little friends of all shapes and sizes to help your life be a little better, or just to be a little turd and beat up other kids pets on command. You know, normal kid stuff. However if you really think about it, that's pretty terrifying. All the kids in these stories, and I do really point out they are kids, are never any older than 12 or 13 at most. Think back to when you were 12. Could you just venture out into the world? Not at all. You could barely even leave the street or neighborhood, let alone take off into the world with only a backpack, a sleeping bag, and a pet monster to keep you company. No way. Why aren't these kids in school? Is only a middle school education enough to sustain a skill set for life? Is it like when the jewish community has a barmitzva and a rite of passage to adult hood? Seriously think about it. Perhaps the last day of school in the 6th grade might be like this:
"Well kids, its been fun teaching you this year and with your now six years of elementary knowlege you're ready to travel around the world taming very dangerous creatures at your whim. Or not, its really your choice. Don't forget about people who are out there using their pokemon for evil things who will either rob you or possibly try to kill you, because hey the world is apparently notorious with various teams of super evil people on every continent like a big gang of unruly adults who have nothing better to do then steal some kids pokemon. That and you could possibly die. Have a great summer!" Ludicrous really.
The only reason I'm thinking about this is because I've taken up playing pokemon again after a few months absence. Thanks to the joys of emulators I started playing my childhood fun fest game and used it to relive stress my final few semesters of college and now with nothing better to do at 2am when insomnia among other things keeps me awake I transverse the wide world of pokemon, out to catch em all. Only this time chuckling to myself when I clobber some other unfortunate NPC child's pokemon thinking "yeah bitch yeah. you got served."
I'm really mature and I know it.
In a world parallel to our own, they seem to have a extreme amount of wider technology than we do, well at least when it comes to taming these wild beasts and their care thereof. They also have a form of item transportation and video chatting that honestly we are only just now starting to scratch the surface today. But unlike our world they have no animals. None. Just pokemon. Think of it. I never realized that there are no cats or dogs or birds or anything. Well there are birds, but they are big cartoony birds that are various species of pokemon. All of these animals are tamable and you can have as your very own pet. Very neat. The problem here is the structure in which people go about this sort of thing.
Thinking back on it, when I was a kid I was completely in favor of this. It was neat to be treated like an adult and be independent, roaming around the world going where you please, capturing and taming little friends of all shapes and sizes to help your life be a little better, or just to be a little turd and beat up other kids pets on command. You know, normal kid stuff. However if you really think about it, that's pretty terrifying. All the kids in these stories, and I do really point out they are kids, are never any older than 12 or 13 at most. Think back to when you were 12. Could you just venture out into the world? Not at all. You could barely even leave the street or neighborhood, let alone take off into the world with only a backpack, a sleeping bag, and a pet monster to keep you company. No way. Why aren't these kids in school? Is only a middle school education enough to sustain a skill set for life? Is it like when the jewish community has a barmitzva and a rite of passage to adult hood? Seriously think about it. Perhaps the last day of school in the 6th grade might be like this:
"Well kids, its been fun teaching you this year and with your now six years of elementary knowlege you're ready to travel around the world taming very dangerous creatures at your whim. Or not, its really your choice. Don't forget about people who are out there using their pokemon for evil things who will either rob you or possibly try to kill you, because hey the world is apparently notorious with various teams of super evil people on every continent like a big gang of unruly adults who have nothing better to do then steal some kids pokemon. That and you could possibly die. Have a great summer!" Ludicrous really.
The only reason I'm thinking about this is because I've taken up playing pokemon again after a few months absence. Thanks to the joys of emulators I started playing my childhood fun fest game and used it to relive stress my final few semesters of college and now with nothing better to do at 2am when insomnia among other things keeps me awake I transverse the wide world of pokemon, out to catch em all. Only this time chuckling to myself when I clobber some other unfortunate NPC child's pokemon thinking "yeah bitch yeah. you got served."
I'm really mature and I know it.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Annual Cycle of sick
Every year it seems like clockwork with the changing of the seasons. It doesn’t matter how hard you try or how much you fight it, getting sick just happens. Depending on how well you take care of yourself depends on how bad it happens, but it always will. My whole life it’s been on sort of a cycle of every year something happens at a certain time. For me usually it’s a cold sometime in the fall or early winter with another smaller case to follow in the late winter/early spring. As I got older you add in allergies in the spring that bring all sorts of hell on earth for months at a time as well as what appears to be an annual fever/puking fest on Christmas eve for some reason. Not to mention the flu or something similar in November or early December.
Generally I accredit such ailments to working at the bookstore on campus. That place is a treasure trove of viruses and bacteria from all those kids coming in with who knows what just germing up the place. It seems to waft back into the shipping area where I’m working at and every year for a good three days or so I’m feeling like utter crap and having to call in at least twice.
What is it about the changing of seasons that makes us more prone to getting sick? Is it the drastic change in temperature that causes us to not dress appropriately and on time? Or is it just a build up of neglect when we aren’t washing our hands properly perhaps? I just know that its like clockwork and although fall is my favorite time of the year I get generally annoyed like its something new to me when I get sick. I should just learn to deal with it and prepare for it. Perhaps take precautionary measures and get a shot or something? Yeah no thanks. I’ll just muscle it out. Which is another stupid idea, yet we all feel like we can handle it often enough. Sometimes that’s the truth, but in all honesty its just a dumb idea.
There was a point to this entry but I can’t see straight due to whatever it is bugging me so never mind. Bring on the fever dreams!
Generally I accredit such ailments to working at the bookstore on campus. That place is a treasure trove of viruses and bacteria from all those kids coming in with who knows what just germing up the place. It seems to waft back into the shipping area where I’m working at and every year for a good three days or so I’m feeling like utter crap and having to call in at least twice.
What is it about the changing of seasons that makes us more prone to getting sick? Is it the drastic change in temperature that causes us to not dress appropriately and on time? Or is it just a build up of neglect when we aren’t washing our hands properly perhaps? I just know that its like clockwork and although fall is my favorite time of the year I get generally annoyed like its something new to me when I get sick. I should just learn to deal with it and prepare for it. Perhaps take precautionary measures and get a shot or something? Yeah no thanks. I’ll just muscle it out. Which is another stupid idea, yet we all feel like we can handle it often enough. Sometimes that’s the truth, but in all honesty its just a dumb idea.
There was a point to this entry but I can’t see straight due to whatever it is bugging me so never mind. Bring on the fever dreams!
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