What happened to this?

This is super personal, but on a night like tonight I'm so angry I don't care anymore. So I ask myself and anyone else out there who might stumble upon this. What happened to this?


"First of all, I’m incredibly sorry for all that was said tonight. It was quite rough, but it had to be said in order for you to understand me a bit better. Tonight, like most nights, I was thinking as I was typing the ideas; so these thoughts really were something sort of new to me. I’ve known for a couple of weeks that I’m scared, as you know; but I haven’t been able to understand why. I am very relieved to have finally pin-pointed it so that I could think it out in my head and make a decision, which I have.

As you know so well, I am a very independent person. I like to be able to take care of myself and I like to say that I’ve accomplished things completely independently. Since I’ve met you, I’ve learned how to stretch a little and let you help me out when I’ve screwed myself over for the hundredth time instead of just struggling, crying, and eventually—painfully—figuring it out myself. Your coming into my life has made my life that much easier and that much more logical.

I have always dreamed of going off and seeing big concerts with bands I actually like; but that dream didn’t come true until I met you. You get me off my ass and help me accomplish things I never thought I could—and all through a little pushing and persuasion (and sometimes bribery). I have gone miles, personality wise, since I have met you. I used to be so bored and boring. I wasn’t creative in my recreation at all.

The most important part of all of this, however, is the love I’ve felt and the love I’ve been willing to share. Robert, you’ve opened me up and shown me that guys aren’t all dicks and testosterone. Through you, I’ve come to know myself much better because you’re a reflection of me. You’re the person I never thought I would find: the man who is caring, sweet, creative, loving, sarcastic, and cynical all rolled up into an unbelievably cute package of man meat (that’s right, I said it ;)). And on top of all that, you love me with all your heart for who I am. You make me feel beautiful and wanted and useful even when I feel like shit.

What I’m trying to get at, Robert, is that I thought about everything that was discussed tonight and started crying at the thought that you may be crying right now. I hate hurting you, but most of all I can’t imagine living my life without you. Sure, getting married will strip me from a certain amount of independence; but I’m willing to make that sacrifice in order to be with the man I love and who loves me for the rest of eternity. Plus, I would imagine that just living with Robert Shepherd will be an adventure all in and of itself.

So, yes, this will happen. And yes, it is permanent. I’m yours forever, Robert, and it won’t be questioned again.

As always—you are my rock, my best friend, and my love. I’m silly to ever consider denying those facts.

I hope this eases your mind as it has mine. I love you always—"



The worst part is that yeah I'm pissed off, but while going through things to get rid of on my computer I can't help but regret, feel bad, and have a wave of sorrow come back. Why is that? Because no matter how mad I get, no matter how frustrated I am I still love her. LOVE. I've never quite known what it truly was before I found her and even after all the shit she's pulled on me, I love her still. Even after all this shit she just pulled on me and doesn't seem to give a fuck. I love her still. That doesn't just "go away" or "fade out". Not like that anyway. So I'm still left wondering what happened to this? And honestly I know I'll never find out.