And I Can Try Again, Tomorrow

I guess I’m a creature of habit as I seem to make little points of origin in my life and occasionally like to reflect back to see how far I’ve come/grown/retracted/improved or what have you. Today I guess is one of those days.

It’s been a year now since I’ve had to start over again and really I don’t have all the answers, I doubt anybody ever does in life, but it sure feels like sometimes you have more than others or at least you should. Before then I felt like everything was where it was supposed to be, even though I had no real clue how the real world beyond school worked it didn’t matter much to me. Those have been hard lessons all in their own that I had to learn since then, but it’s not all that complicated either.

No, really a lot of progress has been made I suppose in some areas, not so much in others. I look back at myself a year ago and where I had absolutely no clue where to go from there and had only very very short term plans to make it week by week and occasionally day by day or hour by hour. The time for now is stretched to month by month or handful of months so that’s improvement anyway.

I’m stable physically, well when I don’t make myself sick from not eating but that’s always happening from stress for years and years, and financially…for the most part. I’ve got a “career job” and I’m quite honestly crawling out from the debt and lack of savings hole I was in a year ago. Sure I have my mountain of bills per month, but I’ve been able to organize myself a little better where even after all my bills are paid for the month there is enough to put a good chunk into savings as well as live off of, so that’s progress. Not as fast as I’ve wanted it with my plans of moving into an apartment have various numerous times throughout the year due to the circumstances, or people changing their minds, or what have you, but it’s still going smoothly.

Mentally it’s a day on day off thing I guess. I’ve already mentioned about pushing a lot of what’s happened deep down, but it still pops up a lot, more recently a lot in dreams, but that’s something I really think won’t ever go away no matter what along with those feelings so I can’t really do anything about that. But the fact that I’m still able to smile and keep at it from day to day if at least for a while, I guess that’s what is more important.

I’ve made various accomplishments both professionally and personally in various fields the last year and made as well as lost an amount of friends and acquaintances. That’s normal for a year’s progression, so still good there I suppose.

I guess the only other thing that’s changed is my outlook and goal in life in particular. I still don’t know what I’m doing. I used to have such an optimistic view of life and the future that everything will work out somehow someway someday. Now, I still have an optimistic view, just not so much for me. Less of a pessimistic why me view, but more like a apathetic whatever thing. I’ve pretty much resigned to just living life however it comes to me for now and for the foreseeable future. I don’t have plans to “find that all again” or “find my place” really either. I’m just sort of here. I know I currently have plans to try and change jobs for something more prone to what I want to do, but in the meantime I can stay where I’m at for as long as I can stand it and live just fine where I’m at.

This is the usual point where I lose focus in my writing and just sort of trail off. It becomes a sort of pseudo journal entry mixed with a semi less than formal letter. Why though I wonder do I still write like this? I’m not really sure. Maybe it’s that subconscious again trying to write to a much smaller audience in particular that won’t ever see the light of day of this entry who knows. Either way, today is another day I suppose, just like the day before and the day before that. I can sit and daydream of where life would be right now, or where I want it to be all day long but it’s not going to change today and the here and now. It’s just an exercise to write it out from time to time when I feel the need I suppose. That or I’m just a sucker for my own traditions and memories.

And I'll Be Right Here Waiting, Until My Phoenix Rises Up

Lately I haven’t been sleeping well. Ever since I started working at HP I’ve been out like a light based on how tired I am. Every day I wake up to a feeling of uncertainty and slight stress due to the nature of my job. Every day is something new, but at the same time the same kind of stuff. The problem with my job, which I love, is that there is never a real sense of accomplishment. One call may make my day and I totally fix a huge problem, but the next could be a nightmare. The next 3 calls could be equally bad. Every day it starts over and you never know what it is. I’m not very good about those kinds of situations and it causes a bit of stress and nausea every morning but it usually goes away shortly after. That might be part of the not sleeping well, when I remember that the next morning it’s back into the thick of things, but I don’t think so.

No, the real reason I haven’t been sleeping well is on account of the dreams I have. I love to dream. It’s that moment where you come up with crazy abstract things, see familiar faces that you haven’t seen in a long time, and have bizarre adventures all over the place. Sometimes they’re good and sometimes they’re bad, but they’re always interesting. Lately however, I’ve been having nothing but nightmares. Well, not nightmares per say, they’re actually really good dreams that I consciously feel great about while I’m having, but the very second that I wake up and realize it was a dream, they become regretful nightmares that make me feel like crap for a good long while afterwards.

Occasionally these dreams are about my dad and things surrounding that. Those aren’t nearly as bad however, especially when they all point to the fact that one phone call and swallowing a lot of pride could solve that situation, but I’m not ready for that. No, the majority of the nightmares I have, and more and more frequently as of late, have to do with Virginia. Sometimes they involve my now perceived idea of her being angry and annoyed with me, other times it’s a hesitant to talk to me personality, but ultimately agreeing to at least speak to me about things often resulting in working out something. Lastly are the ones that happen least of all, but are the sweetest yet most depressing. Those are the ones where she is nothing but the sweet, friendly, and caring person I fell in love with such a long time ago like it was from day one. Those are the dreams that hurt most of all.

I mentioned not too long ago in a conversation with my mom about my well-being, and I really rarely admit this now a days, that I’d still been having dreams about her and I couldn’t figure out why. She pointed out that it’s probably because even though I’ve tried to bury it all down so deep, my subconscious remembers that it was about a year ago now that it all ended. This Sunday to be exact, but whatever. Honestly it didn’t even occur to me. Has it already been an entire year on my own? It’s not been a pleasant one that’s for sure. I’m still reeling from it all and still struggling internally about a lot of things because of it.

Maybe I just needed to write this down to admit to myself out loud I don’t know. I just know that she’s still very much in there and I still very much regret how things ended. There are just some days where after having one of those dreams it leaves me feeling a little broken and lost I suppose. Today is one of those days as was yesterday, but I dunno. I just know that despite all regrets or mistakes on my part or her’s that my feelings haven’t changed and she’s always going to be there deep down somewhere. I can still have that at very least.

Time Is Nothing.