Lately I haven’t been sleeping well. Ever since I started working at HP I’ve been out like a light based on how tired I am. Every day I wake up to a feeling of uncertainty and slight stress due to the nature of my job. Every day is something new, but at the same time the same kind of stuff. The problem with my job, which I love, is that there is never a real sense of accomplishment. One call may make my day and I totally fix a huge problem, but the next could be a nightmare. The next 3 calls could be equally bad. Every day it starts over and you never know what it is. I’m not very good about those kinds of situations and it causes a bit of stress and nausea every morning but it usually goes away shortly after. That might be part of the not sleeping well, when I remember that the next morning it’s back into the thick of things, but I don’t think so.
No, the real reason I haven’t been sleeping well is on account of the dreams I have. I love to dream. It’s that moment where you come up with crazy abstract things, see familiar faces that you haven’t seen in a long time, and have bizarre adventures all over the place. Sometimes they’re good and sometimes they’re bad, but they’re always interesting. Lately however, I’ve been having nothing but nightmares. Well, not nightmares per say, they’re actually really good dreams that I consciously feel great about while I’m having, but the very second that I wake up and realize it was a dream, they become regretful nightmares that make me feel like crap for a good long while afterwards.
Occasionally these dreams are about my dad and things surrounding that. Those aren’t nearly as bad however, especially when they all point to the fact that one phone call and swallowing a lot of pride could solve that situation, but I’m not ready for that. No, the majority of the nightmares I have, and more and more frequently as of late, have to do with Virginia. Sometimes they involve my now perceived idea of her being angry and annoyed with me, other times it’s a hesitant to talk to me personality, but ultimately agreeing to at least speak to me about things often resulting in working out something. Lastly are the ones that happen least of all, but are the sweetest yet most depressing. Those are the ones where she is nothing but the sweet, friendly, and caring person I fell in love with such a long time ago like it was from day one. Those are the dreams that hurt most of all.
I mentioned not too long ago in a conversation with my mom about my well-being, and I really rarely admit this now a days, that I’d still been having dreams about her and I couldn’t figure out why. She pointed out that it’s probably because even though I’ve tried to bury it all down so deep, my subconscious remembers that it was about a year ago now that it all ended. This Sunday to be exact, but whatever. Honestly it didn’t even occur to me. Has it already been an entire year on my own? It’s not been a pleasant one that’s for sure. I’m still reeling from it all and still struggling internally about a lot of things because of it.
Maybe I just needed to write this down to admit to myself out loud I don’t know. I just know that she’s still very much in there and I still very much regret how things ended. There are just some days where after having one of those dreams it leaves me feeling a little broken and lost I suppose. Today is one of those days as was yesterday, but I dunno. I just know that despite all regrets or mistakes on my part or her’s that my feelings haven’t changed and she’s always going to be there deep down somewhere. I can still have that at very least.
Time Is Nothing.
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