I guess I’m a creature of habit as I seem to make little points of origin in my life and occasionally like to reflect back to see how far I’ve come/grown/retracted/improved or what have you. Today I guess is one of those days.
It’s been a year now since I’ve had to start over again and really I don’t have all the answers, I doubt anybody ever does in life, but it sure feels like sometimes you have more than others or at least you should. Before then I felt like everything was where it was supposed to be, even though I had no real clue how the real world beyond school worked it didn’t matter much to me. Those have been hard lessons all in their own that I had to learn since then, but it’s not all that complicated either.
No, really a lot of progress has been made I suppose in some areas, not so much in others. I look back at myself a year ago and where I had absolutely no clue where to go from there and had only very very short term plans to make it week by week and occasionally day by day or hour by hour. The time for now is stretched to month by month or handful of months so that’s improvement anyway.
I’m stable physically, well when I don’t make myself sick from not eating but that’s always happening from stress for years and years, and financially…for the most part. I’ve got a “career job” and I’m quite honestly crawling out from the debt and lack of savings hole I was in a year ago. Sure I have my mountain of bills per month, but I’ve been able to organize myself a little better where even after all my bills are paid for the month there is enough to put a good chunk into savings as well as live off of, so that’s progress. Not as fast as I’ve wanted it with my plans of moving into an apartment have various numerous times throughout the year due to the circumstances, or people changing their minds, or what have you, but it’s still going smoothly.
Mentally it’s a day on day off thing I guess. I’ve already mentioned about pushing a lot of what’s happened deep down, but it still pops up a lot, more recently a lot in dreams, but that’s something I really think won’t ever go away no matter what along with those feelings so I can’t really do anything about that. But the fact that I’m still able to smile and keep at it from day to day if at least for a while, I guess that’s what is more important.
I’ve made various accomplishments both professionally and personally in various fields the last year and made as well as lost an amount of friends and acquaintances. That’s normal for a year’s progression, so still good there I suppose.
I guess the only other thing that’s changed is my outlook and goal in life in particular. I still don’t know what I’m doing. I used to have such an optimistic view of life and the future that everything will work out somehow someway someday. Now, I still have an optimistic view, just not so much for me. Less of a pessimistic why me view, but more like a apathetic whatever thing. I’ve pretty much resigned to just living life however it comes to me for now and for the foreseeable future. I don’t have plans to “find that all again” or “find my place” really either. I’m just sort of here. I know I currently have plans to try and change jobs for something more prone to what I want to do, but in the meantime I can stay where I’m at for as long as I can stand it and live just fine where I’m at.
This is the usual point where I lose focus in my writing and just sort of trail off. It becomes a sort of pseudo journal entry mixed with a semi less than formal letter. Why though I wonder do I still write like this? I’m not really sure. Maybe it’s that subconscious again trying to write to a much smaller audience in particular that won’t ever see the light of day of this entry who knows. Either way, today is another day I suppose, just like the day before and the day before that. I can sit and daydream of where life would be right now, or where I want it to be all day long but it’s not going to change today and the here and now. It’s just an exercise to write it out from time to time when I feel the need I suppose. That or I’m just a sucker for my own traditions and memories.
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