Double Duty

So I just confirmed it this weekend, I'll be pulling double duty at our show at Plan B next week. We'll be rocking it with some brand new songs for T3 as the headliner, as well as me pulling my head out of my ass doing a semi-solo acoustic act as Polar Bears n The Jungle. Heaven help us all for what I'm about to unleash on the world.

You've all been warned and are welcome to show up to the crazyness.

Re:Letter To You

Dear You (who will never read this,)

I know you haven't seen me around, because apparently from one day to the next you magically didn't care anymore. You are wrong, I'm not doing well. For the first time in your life you're looking at the positive instead of the negative and for the first time that's the wrong thing to be looking at.

Thanks for not caring anymore and thanks for making me feel like a failure in life.
I hope your new bode treats you well even though at some point you'll probably make him feel like shit too, I hope for your sake he's as patient with you as I was.

I smile sometimes yes, but only when I'm not thinking about you. I never make an angry face, just frown because you seem to think its ok to just walk away. Its really not.

Thanks for making me feel like shit for a few months now

Sincerly,

Me.

there is a reason

There is a reason for it and why you should always follow it. When you go through these things you should never keep up with the other person, even if you are just curious as its just going to hurt a lot more later on.

I wish I would follow that advice but yet I'm really dumb. Perhaps I was wrong all along in any lingering thoughts. So I suppose I was played a fool from the get go thanks. That didn't take you very long did it? Knowing it was coming sure doesn't make it any easier you know. Lets hope its worth what you think it will be. Good luck.


Man this is an emo post, but hey, don't say I didn't warn you.

Why Indeed

Today I was posed with the question to myself "why do I continue to do this music stuff really?" The honest and obvious truth being that sure my musical endeavors are most likely, actually not at all going to amount to much of anything on a larger level than we've achieved before unless A)suddenly everybody in the group shares the same overwhelming amount of passion for the project as I do B)somebody big hears of us and drops a major opportunity into our lap or C)I venture on my own with different people who are hired guns or something like that.

Now I'm not discontent with anybody, I'm just stating fact that I'm aware that its not going to really amount to more than self gratification with minor exception.

So then why do I continue on? Certainly I've got more important things to do in life than sit around and play daydream rockstar right? Not really.

Sure a few months ago I was in nearly the same position of being lost and not knowing what to do with my life, but I had a goal and I had the drive and reason to make something happen as soon as possible, but now I don't. I've lost that drive and aside from paying bills and re-paying my student loans, sadly yes, being honest I don't really have much of a drive to do anything at the moment. I'm still reeling from it all and honestly still not in that vantage point that I'm living in reality, like its some sort of dream that I'm going to wake up from. I don't know how long till I do snap out of it, if I ever will to some extent who knows.

But the reason I give to myself at the moment is not one out of bitterness nor anger, just comfort to me. This is a project I created for myself, I worked hard with, and did it all to a certain extent on my own. Its me. It will never turn around and disappear unless I let it do so. It will not tell me that it will never go away and that it will never assure me that everything will work out only to just do so at the drop of a hat one day. What I see is what I get and I will get a 180 from it. I love music and I love this project and its a comfort to know that it will be there as long as I need it to be there, for me.

That's the kind of stability I need right now, because really honesty and trust is not something that appears real to me at the moment, when the same things were repeated time and time again. I can read them in letters and messages, yet in the end they mean nothing. Its not being mad, its being disheartened and disappointing as well as disillusioned.

So for now and as long as I need it to be there, I'll keep doing this music until I don't need it and can stand on my own two feet again. That's what T3 does for me.

5,270,400 seconds later, I'm still here you know

Where have I been in the last two months? Despite it being a pretty crappy time and not without its difficult times a lot has happened. I’m not saying that I’m really happy with it all or just fine and dandy, but honestly if you want to feel better about tough times you have to look on the positives.

-I’ve written a lot of music and I mean a lot. I’ve been dividing it between three or so different projects: working on a new full length album with T3, a mini side project Polar Bears in the Jungle, and some duet like songs with a friend of mine.
-T3 in general is getting an overhaul. I was always wondering what the future would be concerning this little project of mine and what I would be doing with it if I moved away or if I didn’t. I had no idea where I would be and well, now that I’ve got nothing really going on or any idea what I’m going to do I guess I’ll be around here for awhile, so why not distract myself with my other love: music.
-I took care of consolidating my loans and while I’m not really looking forward to beginning my payments in a few months, but at least I don’t have to make it complicated anymore by paying three or four different ones at a time, just one so lucky lucky me.
-I bought a few things that I had been wanting to for awhile to learn a bit more about what I want to do. I got a neat little hand held HD camera as well as a new guitar. I had also bought a bass, but that wasn’t for me but well.. yeah anyway.
-I started running with a friend of mine. I’m still pretty lazy and don’t do it as often as I should, but its better than nothing and I do feel a little more healthy because of it.
-Despite my normal routine when I get really depressed or bad things happen to me, I managed to not completely stop eating. Yeah it was a problem for a bit, but I’ve managed to keep eating mostly regularly and I’m kind of proud of that. The last time something like this happened I lost a good 15 or so pounds because I couldn’t hold it together.

So here I sit some time later not really my normal self, but trying to look on the positive side I guess some good things have happened since then. Not that they couldn’t have otherwise, but again I’m trying to be positive here. Life is still hard and its still a day to day struggle and yeah I still sit and wonder lots of things, but….yeah. I’ll just stop here and try to remain positive, no matter how hard it is.

time consuming activities

In the wake of recent developments I try so very hard to fill up my time with everything and anything imaginable so I don't have time to think.

-working at the bookstore has been a nice temporary solution, but the search for a real job is still not going well. It looks like I'm going to be taking some crap job in conway for a bit while I still look
-I play my guitar and bass CONSTANTLY and am consistently writing new music. Its still not enough for me sadly. I need to find a way to have band practices more often and get better at recording my own stuff so I have things to play with
-I will not be flying with my mom to Utah for the funeral despite my desire to do so. I'm not strong enough to do it one, and two I'll just fall apart and do something stupid knowing that she would only be 4 hours away from me. I just know that would be a dumb idea because as far as I know she wants nothing to do with me anymore even if I do.


So life is busy but not busy enough. Any suggestions?

late night musings pt2

is there really no hope for those whom we love?

is there really no way to reclaim what we've lost?

are all memories destined to remain just that forever to be forgotten in the back of our minds?


I hate the night.