Why Indeed

Today I was posed with the question to myself "why do I continue to do this music stuff really?" The honest and obvious truth being that sure my musical endeavors are most likely, actually not at all going to amount to much of anything on a larger level than we've achieved before unless A)suddenly everybody in the group shares the same overwhelming amount of passion for the project as I do B)somebody big hears of us and drops a major opportunity into our lap or C)I venture on my own with different people who are hired guns or something like that.

Now I'm not discontent with anybody, I'm just stating fact that I'm aware that its not going to really amount to more than self gratification with minor exception.

So then why do I continue on? Certainly I've got more important things to do in life than sit around and play daydream rockstar right? Not really.

Sure a few months ago I was in nearly the same position of being lost and not knowing what to do with my life, but I had a goal and I had the drive and reason to make something happen as soon as possible, but now I don't. I've lost that drive and aside from paying bills and re-paying my student loans, sadly yes, being honest I don't really have much of a drive to do anything at the moment. I'm still reeling from it all and honestly still not in that vantage point that I'm living in reality, like its some sort of dream that I'm going to wake up from. I don't know how long till I do snap out of it, if I ever will to some extent who knows.

But the reason I give to myself at the moment is not one out of bitterness nor anger, just comfort to me. This is a project I created for myself, I worked hard with, and did it all to a certain extent on my own. Its me. It will never turn around and disappear unless I let it do so. It will not tell me that it will never go away and that it will never assure me that everything will work out only to just do so at the drop of a hat one day. What I see is what I get and I will get a 180 from it. I love music and I love this project and its a comfort to know that it will be there as long as I need it to be there, for me.

That's the kind of stability I need right now, because really honesty and trust is not something that appears real to me at the moment, when the same things were repeated time and time again. I can read them in letters and messages, yet in the end they mean nothing. Its not being mad, its being disheartened and disappointing as well as disillusioned.

So for now and as long as I need it to be there, I'll keep doing this music until I don't need it and can stand on my own two feet again. That's what T3 does for me.