So according to my dashboard thingy this is blog #100. Hooray?
I dunno, I think it would mean more to me if I would have stuck to the original intention of this blog and keeping it about non personal topics or just opinions or reviews or something. But sadly it just became the downward spiral of me venting my frustrations and depressing junk for the last 6 months or so. I'm on track to fix that, but its anybodies game at this point. I suppose now is as a good time as any to do another look back and see where I am with my life and evaluate how far I've come since the last time I did this, which I also don't remember to be honest.
-I am 26 years old a college graduate and I currently live at home.
-I work in a bakery while I'm slowly but surely applying to various career oriented jobs around the state. Pretty soon I'm going to just straight up branch out of the state and go to wherever it takes me. At this point and after so many months of looking around I'm willing to bet that when that job finally does come, whatever it is, it'll be somewhere that is not in Arkansas and I'm both ok and not ok with that.
-I've had many a heart to heart with various people and its amazing that once you bow out of so many activities and situations how different the world looks and the people you have surrounded yourself with. I'm much more aware of people's personalities and actual amounts of "who gives a damn" from a lot of people these days, which makes the idea of moving away from my hometown not feel so bad when it eventually happens. It will for the sake of those whom I'll really miss, but for the others ehh... not so much anymore.
-The elapsed course of what would originally be the end of my single life and the start of married life has come and gone and surprisingly its gotten easier from a few days before that till now. Maybe its finally out of my system for the most part. Not completely of course, but an acceptance although reluctant. The feelings are still there and always will be, but I think I've dusted myself off and licked my wounds enough that I can get back on the horse now. Well, life anyway, not so much other things but whatever. The point is, although I haven't had that void of a hole filled with anything else yet, but at least its not a gaping wound anymore. Its just empty.
-My days variate from happy to a little distant and reluctant, but mostly doing alright these days. Today is one of those, I feel a bit misplaced and alone days but I am the master of my own destiny so if I don't want to feel that way maybe I should go find something to do. And now I can honestly say I'm doing that, just every once in awhile I stop for a minute before keeping on keeping on.
-I've made a few very good friends, lost a few, am in the process of loosing a few others, and have had to make realizations and choices that aren't pleasant to have to deal with. In the long run its just another bumpy path in the road, but I'm not dead yet and now nor do I wish I was so, experience it. Yeah.
-I'm still gearing up to move out in the near future, just some minor financial setbacks have stepped in the way, but now I think I'm doing it for the right reason, not just on a whim because I thought it might help anything.
-Long talks I've had with important people have helped settle the dust and made things better.
-short talks with others have made reality a crappy thing to understand but I do understand it. Oh well, it was a pipe dream anyway.
In short, life is going on at the moment and I'm working on it. I don't know where/when/why or any of the other questions about who I am or where I'm going at the moment, but until I figure that out here I am world. Here I am.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Somebody Call Up The New York Times, This Fever's Gonna Make Headlines
It's been awhile since I've been to a large concert and even longer since I've been to one where I've had as much fun as I did last night. Family Force 5 is hands down one of my favorite live bands ever if not my most favorite. Its really a toss up for best live performance with maybe one or two others but either way it was a hoot.
I've only gotten to see them once before and that was a quick set at the Warped Tour back in 08' so getting to see a full on set was just awesome. The day however could have been better and was almost a complete disaster. I left work a little early and drove straight to Memphis to meet up with Ryan and Amanda at the venue. They were supposed to be there at 5 and I was gonna get there around then as well, no problemo. Wrong. About 4:45 I get a text saying they'll be an hour late. Ok, no problem because I needed to gas up and get some food anyway. Then an hour passes. And another. And another. Lots of texts and a few calls of them getting lost and not understanding where the venue was blah blah blah. In the end they parked literally 3 or 4 miles away and hoofed it over to where I was. Doors to the show were at 6 with the show starting at 7, but they arrived about 730ish when I was about a half hour from just going in without them.
After that it was fantastic. Minglewood Hall is easily one of the coolest venues I've ever seen. Half music venue, half hipster disco club, great sound, and nice and cool. They had a smoking patio where we spent a majority of the night before FF5 came out seeing that it was nice to sit in the sun while they smoked a few and the entire crowd were 15-16 year old kids. When I say entire crowd I mean a good 30 or so people. That alone was very weird to see. I know that Family Force 5 isn't too well known but I thought for sure they were a bit better known than that. Oh well, I love smaller shows that have just enough people to dance with. And dance we did. I haven't bounced around that much in a long long while and to do it with such easy going good friends it was fantastical. The show itself just amazes me. They blasted through a majority of their songs from both of their albums as well as 3 new ones from their upcoming third album. These guys have more energy on stage then I've ever seen any band in my entire life. Its like watching 5 larger versions of me jumping around only with actual talent and having a good time.
After the show was over we hung out for a bit and talked to their guitarist for awhile and took a few pictures. Again was surprised at how nice that guy is, it never ceases to amaze me. Good times had by all and its sad that its over so fast. Oh well, I've just got to find a way to see them again soon.
This was more or less the set list:
Country Gentlemen
Drama Queen
Fever
Earthquake
Dang Gurl
Lose Yourself
Get Your Back Off The Wall
Wobble
SuperSonic
Dance or Die
Radiator
Luv Addict
Ghostride the Whip
You Got It
I've only gotten to see them once before and that was a quick set at the Warped Tour back in 08' so getting to see a full on set was just awesome. The day however could have been better and was almost a complete disaster. I left work a little early and drove straight to Memphis to meet up with Ryan and Amanda at the venue. They were supposed to be there at 5 and I was gonna get there around then as well, no problemo. Wrong. About 4:45 I get a text saying they'll be an hour late. Ok, no problem because I needed to gas up and get some food anyway. Then an hour passes. And another. And another. Lots of texts and a few calls of them getting lost and not understanding where the venue was blah blah blah. In the end they parked literally 3 or 4 miles away and hoofed it over to where I was. Doors to the show were at 6 with the show starting at 7, but they arrived about 730ish when I was about a half hour from just going in without them.
After that it was fantastic. Minglewood Hall is easily one of the coolest venues I've ever seen. Half music venue, half hipster disco club, great sound, and nice and cool. They had a smoking patio where we spent a majority of the night before FF5 came out seeing that it was nice to sit in the sun while they smoked a few and the entire crowd were 15-16 year old kids. When I say entire crowd I mean a good 30 or so people. That alone was very weird to see. I know that Family Force 5 isn't too well known but I thought for sure they were a bit better known than that. Oh well, I love smaller shows that have just enough people to dance with. And dance we did. I haven't bounced around that much in a long long while and to do it with such easy going good friends it was fantastical. The show itself just amazes me. They blasted through a majority of their songs from both of their albums as well as 3 new ones from their upcoming third album. These guys have more energy on stage then I've ever seen any band in my entire life. Its like watching 5 larger versions of me jumping around only with actual talent and having a good time.
After the show was over we hung out for a bit and talked to their guitarist for awhile and took a few pictures. Again was surprised at how nice that guy is, it never ceases to amaze me. Good times had by all and its sad that its over so fast. Oh well, I've just got to find a way to see them again soon.
This was more or less the set list:
Country Gentlemen
Drama Queen
Fever
Earthquake
Dang Gurl
Lose Yourself
Get Your Back Off The Wall
Wobble
SuperSonic
Dance or Die
Radiator
Luv Addict
Ghostride the Whip
You Got It
Monday, April 25, 2011
Springtime And Lollipops
It's been so long since I've been in Conway during springtime that I don't really remember what its like here. The weather is nuts and it freaks me out to be a little honest. Its been raining off and on for a few weeks ago and these storms are just straight up nasty. I woke up at midnight to a really loud constant sound that turned out to be nothing but rain, but the hardest rain I've ever seen in my life. It was like those tropical storms you see in movies when somebody is hanging out in South America somewhere. Nuts.
No, I'm used to the only storms I'm dealing with in the early spring are snowstorms up in Rexburg. Not tornado I'm going to eat all of you kind of storms. I guess its not that bad really since I spend most of my time inside anyway, but it just seems that the only days that its truly nasty while I'm at work are the days that I have my hour long lunch break and have to drown in it while I forage for food in town. At least its keeping my allergies at bay. That is something we can all be thankful for.
Well that and not being eaten by a tornado. Too bad I can't say the same thing for our poor backyard fence.
No, I'm used to the only storms I'm dealing with in the early spring are snowstorms up in Rexburg. Not tornado I'm going to eat all of you kind of storms. I guess its not that bad really since I spend most of my time inside anyway, but it just seems that the only days that its truly nasty while I'm at work are the days that I have my hour long lunch break and have to drown in it while I forage for food in town. At least its keeping my allergies at bay. That is something we can all be thankful for.
Well that and not being eaten by a tornado. Too bad I can't say the same thing for our poor backyard fence.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Day One
I woke up this morning and something honestly felt different. Relaxing even. As I'm staring out the window its not exactly sunny, but the light is peeking through the clouds a little although I know its going to storm later today and I think at various points this week, but at the moment its serene and pretty outside.
That's how I feel inside as well. I feel good today. I got good sleep last night, no nightmares, I spent yesterday laughing and enjoying myself almost not thinking about what I was worrying about at all. I build things up too much in head sometimes and create monstrous enemies that I can't possibly face. But its all over now and hey I feel better.
Its time to start a new life and time to explore the possibilities of things for me alone and not wait around anymore. To stop being haunted by the ghosts of the past. I can wish all day long and hope and dream, but that wont change the fact if somebody hates your guts. I guess I shouldn't worry about it anymore. Its become just another part of the story now. Sure that feeling of strong love will always be there, but now its accepted its fate and will just hang out with the other things down in there that had their moment and now sit on a rocking chair reminiscing of the good old days. Sorry old timer, it wasn't your time either, my bad.
Yesterday was a pretty alright day. Today will be even better.
That's how I feel inside as well. I feel good today. I got good sleep last night, no nightmares, I spent yesterday laughing and enjoying myself almost not thinking about what I was worrying about at all. I build things up too much in head sometimes and create monstrous enemies that I can't possibly face. But its all over now and hey I feel better.
Its time to start a new life and time to explore the possibilities of things for me alone and not wait around anymore. To stop being haunted by the ghosts of the past. I can wish all day long and hope and dream, but that wont change the fact if somebody hates your guts. I guess I shouldn't worry about it anymore. Its become just another part of the story now. Sure that feeling of strong love will always be there, but now its accepted its fate and will just hang out with the other things down in there that had their moment and now sit on a rocking chair reminiscing of the good old days. Sorry old timer, it wasn't your time either, my bad.
Yesterday was a pretty alright day. Today will be even better.
The Blessings of the Promised Savior
(Another post written a few days ago and I just re read through it, man I need to stay on track better. But I was distracted while I wrote this. Oh well, hopefully you'll still get something out of it).
Today being Easter I suppose it would be a better idea to write something a bit more
positive in here right? Not to mention the idea behind the events of Easter are something I want to reflect on a little in my own life at the moment anyway.
To most people Easter means taking that once a year trip into your church with a lot of family, getting dressed up and having some big dinner, not unlike Christmas Eve. To others it means chocolate, egg hunts, or any other sort of nonsense that has been tacked onto this day. To few it still holds meaning of importance that really should be made note to everyone, not just those who believe in such things. So yeah this is going to get into some faith based stuff so just warning you.
We all know the story of Easter: Jesus returned to Jerusalem, met with the apostles one last time, performed the atonement, was crucified and subsequently resurrected three days later on Sunday morning. Very cut and dry story really. It’s a wonderful story actually if you really think of the baseboard of what’s behind it all. For me to really appreciate it all you have to think beyond just the events of or the very light answer some people give as to why “because Jesus loves you”. Well yes, yes he does, but what does it all mean? Why do that? To save you? From what? Why? Does everyone really understand or think about it? Probably not. I know I don’t think about it all too much sometimes, even though I should. What was the point of a savior and why would we ever need one in the first place? And what effect does it have on us now?
Really we have to keep in mind the difference of times both before and after the events of Easter. To us now, it’s already happened and to some it’s just a nice story. It happened, its over, it continues to inspire us today, and we try to live our lives being better and doing good things among other stuff that I’m not going to talk about here because it would just fill out pages and pages. Not to mention it’s the biggest debate of why there are so many churches today, but none the less we have a much different scenario than the people who came before that time. To us the savior has already come and gone and await him to come back someday. To the people before that, they awaited his arrival to free them from what price they couldn’t already pay. The promised Savior that was talked about before even the world was.
As a kid it didn’t make too much sense to me when I learned about when the plan was presented in the pre-existence. To me it sounded like the choice was about which way we were going to do this and how it was all going to go down, instead of the reality which was here is the plan do you accept it? The wording of “if” may or may not have been there but it seems like it was always part of the plan as well. If man should fall and be lost then a savior will be provided to reclaim them. I don’t believe that whole Adam and Eve ruined it all for it all for us by getting kicked out of the garden like some churches do. That just doesn’t make sense. There would be no progression, which is why we’re all here in the first place. Why we chose to come here at all. As a kid it just seemed like the idea of a savior was plan B. It was always the plan, the choice just needed to be made to set the events in motion.
The one eternal concept that I do not understand even if it makes sense by my brain is the concept of sin. Other than it being the very definition of doing something contrary to what we were asked to or asked not to do. I get that. I wonder where these rules and commandments came from in the very first place or at least what defines things as good and evil. I mean when the definitions have been established so we can make those judgments and understandings ourselves so I get it, but just an idea that I think about sometimes. Has the definition of good and evil existed since the very beginning if there even is one at all? Oh well, now I’m getting off topic here.
Anyway, what I was trying to get at is for some reason it is impossible for anything unclean or evil to be in the presence of God. We know that. So therefore the gift of agency of choice becomes a double edged sword. It can lead us to grow and strengthen ourselves or it can be our downfall depending on what choices we make. So mankind began to exist and had no problems because there were no real choices to make or at least nothing to go against. Then commandments were introduced and suddenly agency comes into play. We all make choices and we all make good and bad ones, but the very real truth is that the price that comes with making bad decisions is far too much for us to be able to pay for. I’m not entirely sure why, but it is. It’s another eternal concept that has always existed but I don’t quite get, oh well. So then why take your greatest creation, what you love, what you want to give all to, send them away and then essentially doom them to grow and strengthen but never be able to return? Well you don’t. That’s what the concept of a savior is for. I always liked the story of the man who goes into debt and can’t afford to pay his debt and is about to be sent to prison, but a friend steps in and pays the debt for him as a mediator. Then the friend can work under his friend’s conditions to repay the debt, but is no longer under the burden of the original price of the debt. That’s what happened essentially.
We as a people were trapped under a debt that we all bring onto ourselves because nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes and that’s ok. It’s part of life. But thankfully that was the point of him coming down and doing all that for us. Paying our price all at once in a way we can’t really grasp completely, just that it happened and that it was extremely painful and agonizing but did it out of love. Out of necessity sure, but he didn’t have to but did it anyway. The House of Israel of the Old Testament understood all this before this time came. They had a system that was a similitude of the sacrifice of the savior and worked as a form of repentance, but just didn’t quite pay that price completely. They all waited in earnest for that time to come. They got it, they understood it. It was the freedom they all had awaited for. The freedom that we all awaited for as we waited to come to earth ourselves and get our turn at taking a crack at life. I’ve gotten off track a bit here, but it’s just some things I’ve been thinking about anyway. And appropriate to think about today I think. I'm grateful for it even if I take it for granted or forget about it from time to time.
Today being Easter I suppose it would be a better idea to write something a bit more
positive in here right? Not to mention the idea behind the events of Easter are something I want to reflect on a little in my own life at the moment anyway.
To most people Easter means taking that once a year trip into your church with a lot of family, getting dressed up and having some big dinner, not unlike Christmas Eve. To others it means chocolate, egg hunts, or any other sort of nonsense that has been tacked onto this day. To few it still holds meaning of importance that really should be made note to everyone, not just those who believe in such things. So yeah this is going to get into some faith based stuff so just warning you.
We all know the story of Easter: Jesus returned to Jerusalem, met with the apostles one last time, performed the atonement, was crucified and subsequently resurrected three days later on Sunday morning. Very cut and dry story really. It’s a wonderful story actually if you really think of the baseboard of what’s behind it all. For me to really appreciate it all you have to think beyond just the events of or the very light answer some people give as to why “because Jesus loves you”. Well yes, yes he does, but what does it all mean? Why do that? To save you? From what? Why? Does everyone really understand or think about it? Probably not. I know I don’t think about it all too much sometimes, even though I should. What was the point of a savior and why would we ever need one in the first place? And what effect does it have on us now?
Really we have to keep in mind the difference of times both before and after the events of Easter. To us now, it’s already happened and to some it’s just a nice story. It happened, its over, it continues to inspire us today, and we try to live our lives being better and doing good things among other stuff that I’m not going to talk about here because it would just fill out pages and pages. Not to mention it’s the biggest debate of why there are so many churches today, but none the less we have a much different scenario than the people who came before that time. To us the savior has already come and gone and await him to come back someday. To the people before that, they awaited his arrival to free them from what price they couldn’t already pay. The promised Savior that was talked about before even the world was.
As a kid it didn’t make too much sense to me when I learned about when the plan was presented in the pre-existence. To me it sounded like the choice was about which way we were going to do this and how it was all going to go down, instead of the reality which was here is the plan do you accept it? The wording of “if” may or may not have been there but it seems like it was always part of the plan as well. If man should fall and be lost then a savior will be provided to reclaim them. I don’t believe that whole Adam and Eve ruined it all for it all for us by getting kicked out of the garden like some churches do. That just doesn’t make sense. There would be no progression, which is why we’re all here in the first place. Why we chose to come here at all. As a kid it just seemed like the idea of a savior was plan B. It was always the plan, the choice just needed to be made to set the events in motion.
The one eternal concept that I do not understand even if it makes sense by my brain is the concept of sin. Other than it being the very definition of doing something contrary to what we were asked to or asked not to do. I get that. I wonder where these rules and commandments came from in the very first place or at least what defines things as good and evil. I mean when the definitions have been established so we can make those judgments and understandings ourselves so I get it, but just an idea that I think about sometimes. Has the definition of good and evil existed since the very beginning if there even is one at all? Oh well, now I’m getting off topic here.
Anyway, what I was trying to get at is for some reason it is impossible for anything unclean or evil to be in the presence of God. We know that. So therefore the gift of agency of choice becomes a double edged sword. It can lead us to grow and strengthen ourselves or it can be our downfall depending on what choices we make. So mankind began to exist and had no problems because there were no real choices to make or at least nothing to go against. Then commandments were introduced and suddenly agency comes into play. We all make choices and we all make good and bad ones, but the very real truth is that the price that comes with making bad decisions is far too much for us to be able to pay for. I’m not entirely sure why, but it is. It’s another eternal concept that has always existed but I don’t quite get, oh well. So then why take your greatest creation, what you love, what you want to give all to, send them away and then essentially doom them to grow and strengthen but never be able to return? Well you don’t. That’s what the concept of a savior is for. I always liked the story of the man who goes into debt and can’t afford to pay his debt and is about to be sent to prison, but a friend steps in and pays the debt for him as a mediator. Then the friend can work under his friend’s conditions to repay the debt, but is no longer under the burden of the original price of the debt. That’s what happened essentially.
We as a people were trapped under a debt that we all bring onto ourselves because nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes and that’s ok. It’s part of life. But thankfully that was the point of him coming down and doing all that for us. Paying our price all at once in a way we can’t really grasp completely, just that it happened and that it was extremely painful and agonizing but did it out of love. Out of necessity sure, but he didn’t have to but did it anyway. The House of Israel of the Old Testament understood all this before this time came. They had a system that was a similitude of the sacrifice of the savior and worked as a form of repentance, but just didn’t quite pay that price completely. They all waited in earnest for that time to come. They got it, they understood it. It was the freedom they all had awaited for. The freedom that we all awaited for as we waited to come to earth ourselves and get our turn at taking a crack at life. I’ve gotten off track a bit here, but it’s just some things I’ve been thinking about anyway. And appropriate to think about today I think. I'm grateful for it even if I take it for granted or forget about it from time to time.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Time Is Nothing. I'll Love You Always
I’m writing this much earlier in the week while I’m thinking straight rather than on Saturday where I don’t know where my mind will be. Maybe I’ll be in the same mindset that I am right now, or maybe I’ll be crippled with depression who knows. But I’ll write it as if it were that date instead and hope that it sees fit to be correct. If not, well then years later I’ll pretend it was and hope that I’ll feel better about it.
Today in another time and in another life I was going to be married. That’s an odd thing to wrap my brain around, it really is. When plans change sometimes its easy to imagine how they would have happened or what you would be doing or whatever. This is a time that’s much harder to do because its not like I’ve ever done it before or anything similar to it. It’s something that most people only do once and that’s it. It’s a one shot and it comes and goes so fast. Its funny to me how fast time has gone by when it feels like only yesterday I was talking to her saying something along the lines of “It seems so far away now, but 9 months will fly by and then its eternity from here on out”. Eternity alright. Eternity of a different life.
I mentioned a few weeks ago when I was at Paula’s wedding that it felt odd that I wasn’t more broken up about being there than I was. Not at it being her wedding, not at all, but a wedding in general. I guess it’s because when this all went down my thoughts were instantly and always on the individual and the relationship rather than marriage. I was far more concerned with holding onto her in any way shape or form rather than imagining that one little date and time. Ironically it was me who cut almost all communication a few days later by deleting her from all my social media networks, deleting pictures of her and rounding up everything that included her of letters, pictures, texts, gifts, the ring, chat messages and everything else into one little box that sits in my mom’s closet. This was the one time that being just friends was just not good enough. I thought differently with others in the past thinking “well being friends means they are still in my life and its better than nothing”, but not this time. This was far greater of a thing for me and I couldn’t bear to have her in my life but not have her as my life. I knew that for sure. Maybe one day I could imagine it, but I still can’t now.
The time from then till now has been an absolute nightmare and has reshaped everything about my life. It showed light on my own insecurities, my faults, my mistakes, friends who are real friends, real friends who are not really real friends. It shut down everything I had hoped for, my dreams, my inspiration, my hope, and life in general. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I didn’t smile. I didn’t laugh. I was just empty. Its slowly been coming back, but its still a long ways off. Since then there have been a few bits of communication back and forth, lots of “stalking” as she puts it, on my part and lots of tears and heartache. Moments of anger and many moments of regret. Lots of blame for myself and lots of blame from her to me. Lots of blame of me blaming her, but then back to blaming myself. Moments of seeing small hints that she still thinks of me from time to time, moments of me knowing she doesn’t care anymore. Moments of daydreaming of possibilities and moments of knowing that its over and she’s moved on completely.
These things I write today as a reminder to myself of where I’ve been and to remind myself that the longer I hold on the less of myself there will be to pick up when I’m done. The hurt is most likely never going to completely go away, but there isn’t anything I can do about it. The love will never go away that I’m sure of. We’re both hypocrites and we’re both wrong about a lot of things, but that can’t fix it now.
So today is just another day like any other. The weather may be not the best but its still spring time. I’m going to go to work, come home, eat some food, and then maybe play my guitar for a while. I’m positive I’ll play the song I wrote for her and still sing it anyway like I was planning on today anyway, even if it’s just for me. Maybe then I’ll go for a drive or maybe I’ll take a walk if it’s not raining. Perhaps I’ll ride my bike. I need to start doing that again anyway. The point is its time to just take another step forward. This is not one of those declarative I’m moving on now or I’m over it now moments, because that would be a big lie. It’s a I’m reflecting on today and what it means to me kind of day. I’m still a long ways off from being ok, but that’s ok too. Life is just getting started and while it’s rocky now it has to have a few good moments left right? I’m only 26 and have a lot of life left. Then forever and a day afterwords. I’ll just try not to bitch about this anymore in here from here on out. Or less anyway. Or well I’ll do whatever I want because its my blog and I will if I want to : ) But I’m going to try anyway.
Today in another time and in another life I was going to be married. That’s an odd thing to wrap my brain around, it really is. When plans change sometimes its easy to imagine how they would have happened or what you would be doing or whatever. This is a time that’s much harder to do because its not like I’ve ever done it before or anything similar to it. It’s something that most people only do once and that’s it. It’s a one shot and it comes and goes so fast. Its funny to me how fast time has gone by when it feels like only yesterday I was talking to her saying something along the lines of “It seems so far away now, but 9 months will fly by and then its eternity from here on out”. Eternity alright. Eternity of a different life.
I mentioned a few weeks ago when I was at Paula’s wedding that it felt odd that I wasn’t more broken up about being there than I was. Not at it being her wedding, not at all, but a wedding in general. I guess it’s because when this all went down my thoughts were instantly and always on the individual and the relationship rather than marriage. I was far more concerned with holding onto her in any way shape or form rather than imagining that one little date and time. Ironically it was me who cut almost all communication a few days later by deleting her from all my social media networks, deleting pictures of her and rounding up everything that included her of letters, pictures, texts, gifts, the ring, chat messages and everything else into one little box that sits in my mom’s closet. This was the one time that being just friends was just not good enough. I thought differently with others in the past thinking “well being friends means they are still in my life and its better than nothing”, but not this time. This was far greater of a thing for me and I couldn’t bear to have her in my life but not have her as my life. I knew that for sure. Maybe one day I could imagine it, but I still can’t now.
The time from then till now has been an absolute nightmare and has reshaped everything about my life. It showed light on my own insecurities, my faults, my mistakes, friends who are real friends, real friends who are not really real friends. It shut down everything I had hoped for, my dreams, my inspiration, my hope, and life in general. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I didn’t smile. I didn’t laugh. I was just empty. Its slowly been coming back, but its still a long ways off. Since then there have been a few bits of communication back and forth, lots of “stalking” as she puts it, on my part and lots of tears and heartache. Moments of anger and many moments of regret. Lots of blame for myself and lots of blame from her to me. Lots of blame of me blaming her, but then back to blaming myself. Moments of seeing small hints that she still thinks of me from time to time, moments of me knowing she doesn’t care anymore. Moments of daydreaming of possibilities and moments of knowing that its over and she’s moved on completely.
These things I write today as a reminder to myself of where I’ve been and to remind myself that the longer I hold on the less of myself there will be to pick up when I’m done. The hurt is most likely never going to completely go away, but there isn’t anything I can do about it. The love will never go away that I’m sure of. We’re both hypocrites and we’re both wrong about a lot of things, but that can’t fix it now.
So today is just another day like any other. The weather may be not the best but its still spring time. I’m going to go to work, come home, eat some food, and then maybe play my guitar for a while. I’m positive I’ll play the song I wrote for her and still sing it anyway like I was planning on today anyway, even if it’s just for me. Maybe then I’ll go for a drive or maybe I’ll take a walk if it’s not raining. Perhaps I’ll ride my bike. I need to start doing that again anyway. The point is its time to just take another step forward. This is not one of those declarative I’m moving on now or I’m over it now moments, because that would be a big lie. It’s a I’m reflecting on today and what it means to me kind of day. I’m still a long ways off from being ok, but that’s ok too. Life is just getting started and while it’s rocky now it has to have a few good moments left right? I’m only 26 and have a lot of life left. Then forever and a day afterwords. I’ll just try not to bitch about this anymore in here from here on out. Or less anyway. Or well I’ll do whatever I want because its my blog and I will if I want to : ) But I’m going to try anyway.
Friday, April 22, 2011
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