Time Is Nothing. I'll Love You Always

I’m writing this much earlier in the week while I’m thinking straight rather than on Saturday where I don’t know where my mind will be. Maybe I’ll be in the same mindset that I am right now, or maybe I’ll be crippled with depression who knows. But I’ll write it as if it were that date instead and hope that it sees fit to be correct. If not, well then years later I’ll pretend it was and hope that I’ll feel better about it.

Today in another time and in another life I was going to be married. That’s an odd thing to wrap my brain around, it really is. When plans change sometimes its easy to imagine how they would have happened or what you would be doing or whatever. This is a time that’s much harder to do because its not like I’ve ever done it before or anything similar to it. It’s something that most people only do once and that’s it. It’s a one shot and it comes and goes so fast. Its funny to me how fast time has gone by when it feels like only yesterday I was talking to her saying something along the lines of “It seems so far away now, but 9 months will fly by and then its eternity from here on out”. Eternity alright. Eternity of a different life.

I mentioned a few weeks ago when I was at Paula’s wedding that it felt odd that I wasn’t more broken up about being there than I was. Not at it being her wedding, not at all, but a wedding in general. I guess it’s because when this all went down my thoughts were instantly and always on the individual and the relationship rather than marriage. I was far more concerned with holding onto her in any way shape or form rather than imagining that one little date and time. Ironically it was me who cut almost all communication a few days later by deleting her from all my social media networks, deleting pictures of her and rounding up everything that included her of letters, pictures, texts, gifts, the ring, chat messages and everything else into one little box that sits in my mom’s closet. This was the one time that being just friends was just not good enough. I thought differently with others in the past thinking “well being friends means they are still in my life and its better than nothing”, but not this time. This was far greater of a thing for me and I couldn’t bear to have her in my life but not have her as my life. I knew that for sure. Maybe one day I could imagine it, but I still can’t now.

The time from then till now has been an absolute nightmare and has reshaped everything about my life. It showed light on my own insecurities, my faults, my mistakes, friends who are real friends, real friends who are not really real friends. It shut down everything I had hoped for, my dreams, my inspiration, my hope, and life in general. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I didn’t smile. I didn’t laugh. I was just empty. Its slowly been coming back, but its still a long ways off. Since then there have been a few bits of communication back and forth, lots of “stalking” as she puts it, on my part and lots of tears and heartache. Moments of anger and many moments of regret. Lots of blame for myself and lots of blame from her to me. Lots of blame of me blaming her, but then back to blaming myself. Moments of seeing small hints that she still thinks of me from time to time, moments of me knowing she doesn’t care anymore. Moments of daydreaming of possibilities and moments of knowing that its over and she’s moved on completely.
These things I write today as a reminder to myself of where I’ve been and to remind myself that the longer I hold on the less of myself there will be to pick up when I’m done. The hurt is most likely never going to completely go away, but there isn’t anything I can do about it. The love will never go away that I’m sure of. We’re both hypocrites and we’re both wrong about a lot of things, but that can’t fix it now.

So today is just another day like any other. The weather may be not the best but its still spring time. I’m going to go to work, come home, eat some food, and then maybe play my guitar for a while. I’m positive I’ll play the song I wrote for her and still sing it anyway like I was planning on today anyway, even if it’s just for me. Maybe then I’ll go for a drive or maybe I’ll take a walk if it’s not raining. Perhaps I’ll ride my bike. I need to start doing that again anyway. The point is its time to just take another step forward. This is not one of those declarative I’m moving on now or I’m over it now moments, because that would be a big lie. It’s a I’m reflecting on today and what it means to me kind of day. I’m still a long ways off from being ok, but that’s ok too. Life is just getting started and while it’s rocky now it has to have a few good moments left right? I’m only 26 and have a lot of life left. Then forever and a day afterwords. I’ll just try not to bitch about this anymore in here from here on out. Or less anyway. Or well I’ll do whatever I want because its my blog and I will if I want to : ) But I’m going to try anyway.