I recall getting into arguments or hearing about situations that made people's blood boil and little things associated with it. As I got a little older I learned about the concept of childish things and people starting things just to start them. I remember quite often having a dual thing going on of desiring to be older so that I didn't get involved or care about petty things that didn't matter and on the other side falling into these sort of things because hey, when you're a kid/teenager/etc its just a normal natural thing to do. None the less I always believed oh hey, adults don't get into needless stupid things like this. At least not a public field anyway.
Of course as we all grow older we find and see that these sort of things exist whether you are old or young, male or female, anywhere in the world, on an individual level or in large social groups. It’s just a natural course of action I suppose. However, the older you get comes with the inert ability and social norm that you don't do such childish things. It’s something that every man and woman through the course of living should have developed. Should have, but we all fall into it from time to time. The amount and level of it depends on the person however. Perhaps at your job there are petty squabbles or maybe in some families there are blood feuds of some sorts about how one another are living their lives, but deep down none of these things mean much they just are there to stir up things for no reason. It’s just curious to me how this sort of thing exists and doesn't seem to vanish in any way shape or form during the course of a person’s life, unless they choose not to. And that’s the simple answer: just deciding not to. Some situations that is easier than others but in general if involved in something like this, its going to be a pretty universal thing to sit back and question “is this really a big deal or just needless drama?”. A vast majority of the time it’s going to be the latter. Just saying.
Its no wonder I don’t participate in as many social groups that I either often or just occasionally affiliate with anymore. In the years past that I look back on now I can see just how much needless drama there has been and how easy it was to be sucked into it. Now this sort of thing is hard to avoid or let go of when involved with somebody close to you in life like a loved one or family member, but if its not its much easier to just shrug your shoulders and say oh well. Isn’t that the irony of life? Or perhaps just a too obvious statement? My question is just why can’t people get along? Who really needs to spice up their life with drama anyway? Is it born from how you were raised? Does it come from the feeling of petty jealousy because nobody is paying attention to you? Perhaps it’s just a self centered feeling of thinking everything in the world is in fact about you and everyone is out to get you. No matter what the case, drama is born out of stupid things that leads to stupid things making seriously dangerous matters out of something not so much.
This isn’t born from anything directly in my life or anybody causing drama for me personally, but just something I’ve been observing as of late at work and through some friends I know online whom I don’t really talk to all that much. I guess its just easier to view these sorts of things when you aren’t directly involved in it. I hate drama and much more I hate getting involved with it, so times its not directed at me I’m extremely grateful it isn’t and I can just shake my head and keep doing what I’m going instead.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday To Friday Everyday
The more I have fridays off the more thursdays feel like fridays. Crazysauce.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Love And Affection
Recently I’ve been drifting in my thoughts again, but in a good way for once. I’ve just noticed a steady trend to life not quite being what I imagined, but it not being all that bad either. It’s funny how things work out sometime. One thing in particular I’ve noticed is that some things are in fact turning out the way I wanted them to, what I had planned them to. Things are still happening although a bit more slowly than I wanted but life is still moving on towards whatever comes after today. Tomorrow I imagine. Personal progress, emotional progress, self assurance, and well to be honest physical things that I’ve wanted to purchase as I got into the life of “being an adult”. Its way to long off in my life that I’m just now getting a real bed for the first time, but that’s beside the point. There’s only one factor that’s missing, the thing I had, but I’m thinking to myself that I guess I don’t need it anymore. That thing being love.
Now I’m not claiming that I desire to live without love in my life, theres many different kinds, but I’m talking about the real deal. Love: affectionate, passionate, romantic love. I made a comment to myself this morning about some tasty food stuffs in the bakery and I began it by thinking “If I ever decide again that I want to be married..” and I stopped to think about it for a second. Do I even care about it anymore? I guess not. I mean sure that’s still a want and well I’d gladly take the life I had imagined instead, but for the first time in probably the last ten years or so I’m just not looking ahead to any kind of relationship of that kind at all. Not marking out being with somebody or wanting to be, just that feeling of well what can I hope to achieve from here on out? Through this whole situation of the last couple of years I learned firsthand what the difference to me between liking somebody and loving somebody. In previous relationships there always came a point where I thought to myself “this girl is great, I think I love her. Yeah that must be what this feeling is.” It wasn’t until my previous one that I really felt what love actually is and how much the other ones didn’t even come close. This was a much higher level, something completely untouchable. The relationship itself may have failed, but its lasting effects have made me think.
I’ve never been a big seeker of them in my life, relationships that is. I’ve got the uncanny feeling of not wanting to be alone and throughout the years always been on the lookout for companionship. I’ve never been on the prowl or anything like that, its funny how each one that has come alone has done just that: been in the right place at the right time. People come into our lives and go from our lives and any relationship I’ve ever had hasn’t been something that I had to look very far for, they just sort of fell into my lap, after which I did my part and all that jazz and it would happen. But I guess its never been a search, sure I’d have my eyes peeled, but the wait, the patience, and the timing has always been a part. Maybe I’m still jaded from it all or really honestly don’t care anymore but it just feels like I’m done for now. I thought to myself this morning for the first time in who knows how long “I guess I don’t really care if I ever get to that point again.” Don’t get me wrong, having somebody special in your life is always great but for me it always seems to end the same way and I think I’m done with it. Who knows if that’s a for now thing or a forever thing, but I’m not bitter or depressed about it either. Just a whatever, I’m just going to be me for awhile.
That’s love, something bigger and stronger. I have no idea if I’ve got it in me for another round or can bring myself to it again in the future. I did however think the same way about the other end, affection but I proved myself wrong as well. I enjoy the company of others and I’m currently enjoying the company of a friend of mine. Its not a full on relationship but its not a friends with benefits thing either. It’s a mutual enjoyment of each others company I guess. Maybe I’m over simplifying things and making it more complicated for myself, but this is easier for me it feels like. Its easy to care about somebody, but difficult to love somebody. I wonder if I’ll ever feel that way again about somebody else. I don’t know. I’m not bitter about my experience anymore, nor angry, nor really depressed. Still disappointed sure. Still love her sure, but I guess that’s the past. In the meantime I’m ok with just being me and if somebody is along for the ride then so be it. We can enjoy it together.
Now I’m not claiming that I desire to live without love in my life, theres many different kinds, but I’m talking about the real deal. Love: affectionate, passionate, romantic love. I made a comment to myself this morning about some tasty food stuffs in the bakery and I began it by thinking “If I ever decide again that I want to be married..” and I stopped to think about it for a second. Do I even care about it anymore? I guess not. I mean sure that’s still a want and well I’d gladly take the life I had imagined instead, but for the first time in probably the last ten years or so I’m just not looking ahead to any kind of relationship of that kind at all. Not marking out being with somebody or wanting to be, just that feeling of well what can I hope to achieve from here on out? Through this whole situation of the last couple of years I learned firsthand what the difference to me between liking somebody and loving somebody. In previous relationships there always came a point where I thought to myself “this girl is great, I think I love her. Yeah that must be what this feeling is.” It wasn’t until my previous one that I really felt what love actually is and how much the other ones didn’t even come close. This was a much higher level, something completely untouchable. The relationship itself may have failed, but its lasting effects have made me think.
I’ve never been a big seeker of them in my life, relationships that is. I’ve got the uncanny feeling of not wanting to be alone and throughout the years always been on the lookout for companionship. I’ve never been on the prowl or anything like that, its funny how each one that has come alone has done just that: been in the right place at the right time. People come into our lives and go from our lives and any relationship I’ve ever had hasn’t been something that I had to look very far for, they just sort of fell into my lap, after which I did my part and all that jazz and it would happen. But I guess its never been a search, sure I’d have my eyes peeled, but the wait, the patience, and the timing has always been a part. Maybe I’m still jaded from it all or really honestly don’t care anymore but it just feels like I’m done for now. I thought to myself this morning for the first time in who knows how long “I guess I don’t really care if I ever get to that point again.” Don’t get me wrong, having somebody special in your life is always great but for me it always seems to end the same way and I think I’m done with it. Who knows if that’s a for now thing or a forever thing, but I’m not bitter or depressed about it either. Just a whatever, I’m just going to be me for awhile.
That’s love, something bigger and stronger. I have no idea if I’ve got it in me for another round or can bring myself to it again in the future. I did however think the same way about the other end, affection but I proved myself wrong as well. I enjoy the company of others and I’m currently enjoying the company of a friend of mine. Its not a full on relationship but its not a friends with benefits thing either. It’s a mutual enjoyment of each others company I guess. Maybe I’m over simplifying things and making it more complicated for myself, but this is easier for me it feels like. Its easy to care about somebody, but difficult to love somebody. I wonder if I’ll ever feel that way again about somebody else. I don’t know. I’m not bitter about my experience anymore, nor angry, nor really depressed. Still disappointed sure. Still love her sure, but I guess that’s the past. In the meantime I’m ok with just being me and if somebody is along for the ride then so be it. We can enjoy it together.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
early morning thought to self
I look like I'm getting doughy in my midsection lately. As soon as my back heals properly I think I need to take care of that. Odd.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I Think I Need A New Back
So I pulled a muscle in my lower back last Saturday doing nothing particularly strenuous. All I remember is leaning forward into the sink at work and suddenly it hurting. Saturday it hurt and Sunday it hurt worse, but then Monday it felt better. Yesterday and today it feels both better and worse. The pain has shifted from my lower back to just on the right side of my lower back, but for awhile earlier today it all but disappeared with the exception to moving to my tailbone. I'm at a loss for whats going on and it sucks.
I went to the doctor on Monday and he prescribed me some pain killers and a muscle relaxer. So far they do about nothing. Am I somehow immune to these pills? Its not a horrible unable to do anything pain, its just an obnoxious constant numbing pain that gets in the way of me bending over, picking things up, or standing/sitting down.
When I pulled a muscle in my back a few years ago it only took a few days and I was back on my feet, but this time its taking a min. Its a good thing I don't have any shows coming up. I guess I'm just getting old.
I went to the doctor on Monday and he prescribed me some pain killers and a muscle relaxer. So far they do about nothing. Am I somehow immune to these pills? Its not a horrible unable to do anything pain, its just an obnoxious constant numbing pain that gets in the way of me bending over, picking things up, or standing/sitting down.
When I pulled a muscle in my back a few years ago it only took a few days and I was back on my feet, but this time its taking a min. Its a good thing I don't have any shows coming up. I guess I'm just getting old.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Nights Like This
Nights like this I wander around aimlessly without any real purpose or reason.
I'll drive somewhere feeling the need to buy something or spend money but always end up staring at the shelves and keeping my wallet in my pocket before slumping out of the store feeling weird.
I'll drive around deep in thought not really paying attention to where I turn or where I go. I just let my body drive while my mind is away. I tend to drive safer that way for some reason as well.
I think about yesterday and tomorrow and wonder if this is really it or where I wanted to be. I usually wonder if this is all I'll get.
Nights like this answers don't seem to come as quickly as normal nor do they make sense if they do.
I'm not so much depressed as sort of melancholy or lonely or rather just something in between. Just sort of existing I suppose.
Nothing satisfies or entices or enchants. Everything is just sort of there.
Nights like this you're on my mind again if only for a brief amount of time. Right where I don't really want you to be anymore.
I'll drive somewhere feeling the need to buy something or spend money but always end up staring at the shelves and keeping my wallet in my pocket before slumping out of the store feeling weird.
I'll drive around deep in thought not really paying attention to where I turn or where I go. I just let my body drive while my mind is away. I tend to drive safer that way for some reason as well.
I think about yesterday and tomorrow and wonder if this is really it or where I wanted to be. I usually wonder if this is all I'll get.
Nights like this answers don't seem to come as quickly as normal nor do they make sense if they do.
I'm not so much depressed as sort of melancholy or lonely or rather just something in between. Just sort of existing I suppose.
Nothing satisfies or entices or enchants. Everything is just sort of there.
Nights like this you're on my mind again if only for a brief amount of time. Right where I don't really want you to be anymore.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
The Bovine Revolution Waits For No One
Friday we finally had another full band practice after nearly a month of not having one. Over the last few months its been an up and down ride for me with good ole T3. I was poised to let it go last year before everything happened, but when it all did I decided to just keep at it to help get me through it all. We played a few shows and gained some new friends and fans and even wrote some more really fantastical music. Then sort of off and on it seemed to be a struggle to keep myself motivated to keep it up. Maybe one week it was just apathy, maybe another it was me being concerned about what everyone else was thinking about, I dunno. But after we all got together this past time, it reminded me why I've stuck with it these four years now. Its still the unifying project that I created, along with the help of my friends, and built up from nothing and made it grow and become something big and awesome. I don't know to what extent it will ever get to or if we'll undoubtedly not go much further than we already have, but the point is that I enjoy it and its been my support/dream builder/expressive machine ever since it was created in April 2007.
We're about knee deep into having 8 songs about completed for our 2nd full length album and I couldn't be happier about it. There are so many different things going into this one in terms of style, content, sound, and songwriting than the original album. Your Music Is Bad And You Should Feel Bad was an experiment or rather the result of one. Most of the songs were written right up front or on the spot from jam sessions and written by various different people over the course of a year. The guitar parts were written by 3 or technically 4 different people. That and it was a first come first serve sort of basis as the first load of songs we had we ran with. Ken was the last song we wrote for the album and it was "finished" only a few weeks before we recorded it. I like to think of that album as a sort of fantasy world full of crazy things going on all at the same time. Just a close your eyes moment and listen to it all and escape for awhile. Nothing makes sense and nothing is serious. There are few gripes about things that are covered in parody but its mostly a very nonsensical bunch of songs about goofy things. Sure there are very serious things I wrote about that were stuck in the middle of it all, but you can't really tell that just by listening nor what you're listening for. Its something I really enjoy doing with these songs. They're fun bouncy and goofy, and I also get to express myself through them in both happy and not so happy.
This new album is doing that only to a further extent. Rather than dive into a crazy fantasy world, this time around its diving into the real world only through a crazy persons eyes. Normal everyday situations with extreme results as I like to say, but most if not all of them are things I've experienced to a certain extent. The one thing I'm mildly concerned about however, is how much of my expression of my own little life's moments are leaking into these songs. I know there is quite a bit in most of them but I don't know how obvious they are in there. The test of it all has come back quite positive on one song as its completely masked in there but I wonder about the rest of them, especially the songs that were written after November, but who knows. They're still fun and they're still enjoyable. Also this time around is the first real batch of songs other than the two or three we wrote in the last two years, that were written as a full band with permanent members. Every song was either formed from a jam session with everyone present or mostly everyone, or somebody brought something they were working on and played in practice. There is clearly a different sound this time around, possibly heavier, possibly more rocking but all fun still. Its still a goofy ride and I wouldn't have it any other way.
We're about knee deep into having 8 songs about completed for our 2nd full length album and I couldn't be happier about it. There are so many different things going into this one in terms of style, content, sound, and songwriting than the original album. Your Music Is Bad And You Should Feel Bad was an experiment or rather the result of one. Most of the songs were written right up front or on the spot from jam sessions and written by various different people over the course of a year. The guitar parts were written by 3 or technically 4 different people. That and it was a first come first serve sort of basis as the first load of songs we had we ran with. Ken was the last song we wrote for the album and it was "finished" only a few weeks before we recorded it. I like to think of that album as a sort of fantasy world full of crazy things going on all at the same time. Just a close your eyes moment and listen to it all and escape for awhile. Nothing makes sense and nothing is serious. There are few gripes about things that are covered in parody but its mostly a very nonsensical bunch of songs about goofy things. Sure there are very serious things I wrote about that were stuck in the middle of it all, but you can't really tell that just by listening nor what you're listening for. Its something I really enjoy doing with these songs. They're fun bouncy and goofy, and I also get to express myself through them in both happy and not so happy.
This new album is doing that only to a further extent. Rather than dive into a crazy fantasy world, this time around its diving into the real world only through a crazy persons eyes. Normal everyday situations with extreme results as I like to say, but most if not all of them are things I've experienced to a certain extent. The one thing I'm mildly concerned about however, is how much of my expression of my own little life's moments are leaking into these songs. I know there is quite a bit in most of them but I don't know how obvious they are in there. The test of it all has come back quite positive on one song as its completely masked in there but I wonder about the rest of them, especially the songs that were written after November, but who knows. They're still fun and they're still enjoyable. Also this time around is the first real batch of songs other than the two or three we wrote in the last two years, that were written as a full band with permanent members. Every song was either formed from a jam session with everyone present or mostly everyone, or somebody brought something they were working on and played in practice. There is clearly a different sound this time around, possibly heavier, possibly more rocking but all fun still. Its still a goofy ride and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Everyday's A Good Day
Today was at least...er yesterday...whatever.
Day off: check.
Hanging with my friendly friend: check.
Getting super excited over a not so exciting liquidation sale: check.
Getting semi ripped off for a GPS but it turning out ok: check.
Having full band practice for the first time in a month: check.
I've been wavering about T3 for the last few months as everything has gone kind of slow and honestly the lack of anything going on has made it difficult to get very excited about it, but last night made me remember why I'm still cracking at it. We had our first practice in the new space last night and while its much louder in there, it gives off a good vibe I think. Not to mention that while we didn't write anything new in particular last night, we tweaked a few things that seemed to be missing in three different songs that now sound awesome. We're about 8 songs deep into the new album now and its just exciting to think about recording one. These songs are a lot of fun and can really be layered with all sorts of crazy goodness when we finally get around to it. Last night was good. Motivational good. Not to mention with that impending possibility of the job I applied for the other day, things are a looking up.
Day off: check.
Hanging with my friendly friend: check.
Getting super excited over a not so exciting liquidation sale: check.
Getting semi ripped off for a GPS but it turning out ok: check.
Having full band practice for the first time in a month: check.
I've been wavering about T3 for the last few months as everything has gone kind of slow and honestly the lack of anything going on has made it difficult to get very excited about it, but last night made me remember why I'm still cracking at it. We had our first practice in the new space last night and while its much louder in there, it gives off a good vibe I think. Not to mention that while we didn't write anything new in particular last night, we tweaked a few things that seemed to be missing in three different songs that now sound awesome. We're about 8 songs deep into the new album now and its just exciting to think about recording one. These songs are a lot of fun and can really be layered with all sorts of crazy goodness when we finally get around to it. Last night was good. Motivational good. Not to mention with that impending possibility of the job I applied for the other day, things are a looking up.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
At The Buzzer
My schedule at work suddenly changes drastically today and while I'm enjoying not having to be up at the crack of dawn or at very least having some time to myself before I go in, I have a feeling that today is going to suck. Lets find out!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Softly We Tremble Tonight
(This was written yesterday and I thought I posted it but apparently I just saved it instead. Still holds up tho.)
My finger hurts right now. Its doing that mild throbbing thing that happens after you smash it in a door or drop something on it. Its been like this since right before I got off work as I did in fact smash my finger under some metal pans. Nothing bad or anything that left a mark or anything, just a lasting and annoying pain in my finger. Someone else around that same time got their finger cut off in some freak accident. I don't know who or where, but the world is a big enough place that I'm sure it did.
To me in that little moment it was pain city at least for a few minutes as that calming adrenaline feeling washed over the pain after a few minutes leaving a shakey wobbly feeling before it finally just faded into a dull thud. To me that was not a detrimental thing, but in my world at that particular moment it hurt and I was thinking about it. It reminds me of a lesson I learned today.
When we are blissfully unaware of the world around us, our own problems seem huge and scary. Even if we are aware of our surroundings our problems seem huge and scary but that's just how life works. Everybody has trials and they are both great and small. Some difficult things for you might not be even a challenge for others and the other way around. Sometimes we are pretty much brought to our knees by things that are so difficult we curse the life and imagine that everything is just about to give way into complete destruction and to us in our own world it sure might feel like it. But... odds are while you can't compare your problems to those of others, just like the whole smashing your finger versus cutting off your finger, there is always something far greater of a challenge out there. Sometimes from people you know.
The point is occasionally being aware of the other things going on in peoples lives makes your own problems seem petty and small. That's how I'm feeling today anyway. The last 6 or so months have been my own personal hell on earth but after looking back into a friend of mine's life from the past few years I just felt bad for complaining so much about my own little problems and seeing that honestly they aren't as bad as they could be in life and much worse things could ever happen. Sure trials are relative to each and every person and you really shouldn't compare to other people but sometimes its hard not to. Or in this case just feeling bad for being unable to deal with the honestly light enough load that I've been given. It could be much worse. Not to still be talking about my friend, but it makes me think in more general terms. Maybe that's a helpful tool in the long run perhaps? A sort of "hey suck it up, get over it, and buck up." I dunno, just lost in thought today is all.
My finger hurts right now. Its doing that mild throbbing thing that happens after you smash it in a door or drop something on it. Its been like this since right before I got off work as I did in fact smash my finger under some metal pans. Nothing bad or anything that left a mark or anything, just a lasting and annoying pain in my finger. Someone else around that same time got their finger cut off in some freak accident. I don't know who or where, but the world is a big enough place that I'm sure it did.
To me in that little moment it was pain city at least for a few minutes as that calming adrenaline feeling washed over the pain after a few minutes leaving a shakey wobbly feeling before it finally just faded into a dull thud. To me that was not a detrimental thing, but in my world at that particular moment it hurt and I was thinking about it. It reminds me of a lesson I learned today.
When we are blissfully unaware of the world around us, our own problems seem huge and scary. Even if we are aware of our surroundings our problems seem huge and scary but that's just how life works. Everybody has trials and they are both great and small. Some difficult things for you might not be even a challenge for others and the other way around. Sometimes we are pretty much brought to our knees by things that are so difficult we curse the life and imagine that everything is just about to give way into complete destruction and to us in our own world it sure might feel like it. But... odds are while you can't compare your problems to those of others, just like the whole smashing your finger versus cutting off your finger, there is always something far greater of a challenge out there. Sometimes from people you know.
The point is occasionally being aware of the other things going on in peoples lives makes your own problems seem petty and small. That's how I'm feeling today anyway. The last 6 or so months have been my own personal hell on earth but after looking back into a friend of mine's life from the past few years I just felt bad for complaining so much about my own little problems and seeing that honestly they aren't as bad as they could be in life and much worse things could ever happen. Sure trials are relative to each and every person and you really shouldn't compare to other people but sometimes its hard not to. Or in this case just feeling bad for being unable to deal with the honestly light enough load that I've been given. It could be much worse. Not to still be talking about my friend, but it makes me think in more general terms. Maybe that's a helpful tool in the long run perhaps? A sort of "hey suck it up, get over it, and buck up." I dunno, just lost in thought today is all.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
But Thats Not All
What a great weekend. Sometimes life hands out little happy things that make up for the bad ones. You just have to wait for them and I'm glad I did.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
But I Won't
This week was the first time I’ve had more than one day off in a row in a long long while. It’s been pretty nice seeing that only one day off at a time never seems to be enough time. I’m not really sure why, it just doesn’t. Then again, waking up this morning was weird as I thought I had to go to work but was pleasantly reminded that I didn’t. Tomorrow is going to not have the same effect tho I’m sure.
As with any extended periods of time to myself, I think. A lot. A whole lot. Thankfully these thinking periods don’t leave me in a quivering mass on my bed anymore, well not as much anyway. This time I was thinking about news from a friend of mine that I had suspected for a bit, but never really got confirmation of till now. She had apparently reconciled with her ex boyfriend and it appears that they’ll be getting back together in some form or fashion pretty soon, if not already. That’s great for them, it really is. At first it was a bit of disappointment as well as maybe a bit of petty jealousy but it dawns on me that its not my story they are involved with, even if I kind of wanted it to be. That’s how it goes sometimes, no matter what moments you share with someone or how you think something may or may not go. You can’t really see that far ahead in life and sometimes you just can’t predict what will happen next, which leads me to what I was thinking about today.
I don’t seem to think about the far off future anymore even though I should. I went to a job fair yesterday and as I was looking around it occurred to me that I wasn’t just looking for a decent job, but I was looking for a job that I would be at for years to come, not a defined period of time, but just time. The time of here a little there a little is over and now it’s a more long term commitment sort of deal. Everything in my life should be gearing to that these days honestly. A friend of mine commented on his relationship with his girlfriend not too long ago saying “I’m not breaking out rings yet, but we’re getting to that age where its time to start looking more long term and not just for today and tomorrow anymore”. That’s pretty true. While we all don’t have any reason to settle in one routine at the moment or a stay put relationship, job, or place to live we do need to start thinking more long term. Maybe more thinking about years instead of months or weeks. Its just weird to me that I’ve stopped or maybe never started to do that. I know the reason why, but I don’t get why I’m still doing it.
Perhaps it’s the not really attempting to move on with my life completely kind of deal. Maybe its fear or maybe its just plain lazyness. Who knows. I mean sure I’ve taken little steps, been job hunting, there have been girls since then although nothing really serious, and have been making long term/short term plans to get me on track but I’m still doddling. Or maybe I’m not and its one of those stuck in the moment and can’t tell how far or fast you’re moving kind of deals. Life is full of those kinds of things.
So instead of thinking about them all, I played with my bass yesterday for the first time in awhile. Good ole Ren, you are a sexy sexy lady in my hands.
As with any extended periods of time to myself, I think. A lot. A whole lot. Thankfully these thinking periods don’t leave me in a quivering mass on my bed anymore, well not as much anyway. This time I was thinking about news from a friend of mine that I had suspected for a bit, but never really got confirmation of till now. She had apparently reconciled with her ex boyfriend and it appears that they’ll be getting back together in some form or fashion pretty soon, if not already. That’s great for them, it really is. At first it was a bit of disappointment as well as maybe a bit of petty jealousy but it dawns on me that its not my story they are involved with, even if I kind of wanted it to be. That’s how it goes sometimes, no matter what moments you share with someone or how you think something may or may not go. You can’t really see that far ahead in life and sometimes you just can’t predict what will happen next, which leads me to what I was thinking about today.
I don’t seem to think about the far off future anymore even though I should. I went to a job fair yesterday and as I was looking around it occurred to me that I wasn’t just looking for a decent job, but I was looking for a job that I would be at for years to come, not a defined period of time, but just time. The time of here a little there a little is over and now it’s a more long term commitment sort of deal. Everything in my life should be gearing to that these days honestly. A friend of mine commented on his relationship with his girlfriend not too long ago saying “I’m not breaking out rings yet, but we’re getting to that age where its time to start looking more long term and not just for today and tomorrow anymore”. That’s pretty true. While we all don’t have any reason to settle in one routine at the moment or a stay put relationship, job, or place to live we do need to start thinking more long term. Maybe more thinking about years instead of months or weeks. Its just weird to me that I’ve stopped or maybe never started to do that. I know the reason why, but I don’t get why I’m still doing it.
Perhaps it’s the not really attempting to move on with my life completely kind of deal. Maybe its fear or maybe its just plain lazyness. Who knows. I mean sure I’ve taken little steps, been job hunting, there have been girls since then although nothing really serious, and have been making long term/short term plans to get me on track but I’m still doddling. Or maybe I’m not and its one of those stuck in the moment and can’t tell how far or fast you’re moving kind of deals. Life is full of those kinds of things.
So instead of thinking about them all, I played with my bass yesterday for the first time in awhile. Good ole Ren, you are a sexy sexy lady in my hands.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Its Funny To Me How You've Turned Into Such A Drug
So this past Monday night I stepped food into Juanita's for the first time in what feels like forever. Its always an odd feeling now a days when I go there and I'm not performing to be honest. But then again I get that feeling anytime I go to a venue that I've played at as a spectator rather than a performer.
Anyway, I went with a friend of mine to go see some friends of mine (belair)open up for The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. That alone was an odd turn of events. When I first heard belair last year sometime my first thought was that they sounded like RJA and here they were getting a chance to open for them. Hooray! I enjoyed their set a great deal as always, every time I see them I get a little more into it and can't help but smile as they rock out in their own special way. Apparently it wasn't the best of days before their set and none of them seemed too terribly enthusiastic to be there. oh well, even with a few things that went wrong during their set, it was pretty enjoyable. Its also weird to go to their shows when not a lot of their fans show up. I guess I'm getting to see what it was like for us from the crowds point of view to play a handful of big shows with a ton of people, then slowly watch them stop showing up.
There was a second band that performed and while they were alright, all their music sounded the same and I couldn't understand the vocalist but that's the venues fault not hers. They were pretty enthusiastic and full of energy so that's a plus. When it was time for RJA to come out I kept thinking about the many times I've seen them before and how much fun it had been every time.
May 2006 - They opened the Forever Night Never Day tour with 30 Seconds To Mars in Nashville, TN. They had just barely been signed to a record label and nobody knew who they were yet, but they still got the crowd rocking out and having a good time. Plus I talked to Ronnie(vocals), after the show and he's a really friendly guy.
July 2006 - Saw them at the opening slot on the Warped Tour in Salt Lake City, UT. Now their album had been out for a few weeks and Face Down was just starting to take hold on the radio. Their crowd was still semi-small, but it started to get a little fierce, but still fun.
September 2006 - X96 Big Ass Show in Salt Lake City, UT. I thought it would be the same deal as before but no, far from it. This was the scariest experience in a concert ever for me. The crowd was so huge and the entire block from back to front was moving and swaying. I was mashed up against everybody in the crowd and when somebody in front of us fell down suddenly about 20 of us came crashing down in a giant heap. I thought I was going to die. Still a good show tho.
May 2007 - Rivervest in Little Rock, AR: also known as the Great Bottle War of 2007. The crowd was less frightening this time or maybe I just was a lot more aggressive, but it was a blast. The best part was the amount of little teenie bopper girls who were in the crowd because they've obviously only heard the non screamy version of Face Down and Guardian Angel on the radio and thought it would be a nice and easy show. Then from the first notes of In Fates Hands and the immediate screaming the crowd exploded and about a quarter of it ran screaming out of the crowd. Best day ever.
Then Monday at Juanita's it was different. There was no real pizzaz during their set, but then again I don't think they ever did more than just song, hello, song, hi, song, etc. It sure felt like a greatest hits sort of concert tho. They played a few songs from their independent EP release and one or two from their upcoming new cd, but mostly played songs from their first album and only one from their second. Odd, but I was ok with it for the most part. I just kept thinking of how full circle I've seen this band come. I watched them grow as a band that tons of people knew and liked and came to their shows to "oh hey I remember them." Not to mention the crowd was mostly full of 16-17 year olds who must have only been 11 or 12 when Face Down was big on the radio. Really? Oh I'm just feeling old now..
Anyway, I went with a friend of mine to go see some friends of mine (belair)open up for The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. That alone was an odd turn of events. When I first heard belair last year sometime my first thought was that they sounded like RJA and here they were getting a chance to open for them. Hooray! I enjoyed their set a great deal as always, every time I see them I get a little more into it and can't help but smile as they rock out in their own special way. Apparently it wasn't the best of days before their set and none of them seemed too terribly enthusiastic to be there. oh well, even with a few things that went wrong during their set, it was pretty enjoyable. Its also weird to go to their shows when not a lot of their fans show up. I guess I'm getting to see what it was like for us from the crowds point of view to play a handful of big shows with a ton of people, then slowly watch them stop showing up.
There was a second band that performed and while they were alright, all their music sounded the same and I couldn't understand the vocalist but that's the venues fault not hers. They were pretty enthusiastic and full of energy so that's a plus. When it was time for RJA to come out I kept thinking about the many times I've seen them before and how much fun it had been every time.
May 2006 - They opened the Forever Night Never Day tour with 30 Seconds To Mars in Nashville, TN. They had just barely been signed to a record label and nobody knew who they were yet, but they still got the crowd rocking out and having a good time. Plus I talked to Ronnie(vocals), after the show and he's a really friendly guy.
July 2006 - Saw them at the opening slot on the Warped Tour in Salt Lake City, UT. Now their album had been out for a few weeks and Face Down was just starting to take hold on the radio. Their crowd was still semi-small, but it started to get a little fierce, but still fun.
September 2006 - X96 Big Ass Show in Salt Lake City, UT. I thought it would be the same deal as before but no, far from it. This was the scariest experience in a concert ever for me. The crowd was so huge and the entire block from back to front was moving and swaying. I was mashed up against everybody in the crowd and when somebody in front of us fell down suddenly about 20 of us came crashing down in a giant heap. I thought I was going to die. Still a good show tho.
May 2007 - Rivervest in Little Rock, AR: also known as the Great Bottle War of 2007. The crowd was less frightening this time or maybe I just was a lot more aggressive, but it was a blast. The best part was the amount of little teenie bopper girls who were in the crowd because they've obviously only heard the non screamy version of Face Down and Guardian Angel on the radio and thought it would be a nice and easy show. Then from the first notes of In Fates Hands and the immediate screaming the crowd exploded and about a quarter of it ran screaming out of the crowd. Best day ever.
Then Monday at Juanita's it was different. There was no real pizzaz during their set, but then again I don't think they ever did more than just song, hello, song, hi, song, etc. It sure felt like a greatest hits sort of concert tho. They played a few songs from their independent EP release and one or two from their upcoming new cd, but mostly played songs from their first album and only one from their second. Odd, but I was ok with it for the most part. I just kept thinking of how full circle I've seen this band come. I watched them grow as a band that tons of people knew and liked and came to their shows to "oh hey I remember them." Not to mention the crowd was mostly full of 16-17 year olds who must have only been 11 or 12 when Face Down was big on the radio. Really? Oh I'm just feeling old now..
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Flashes of Light
Last night I was driving home from Little Rock when I got caught up in another one of those crazy storms we've been having lately. Luckily this wasn't a do or die situation or even one with the torrential winds that we've been having lately either. No, it was just extremely heavy rain and a lot of lightning. Note a LOT of lightning. As I drove I settled in that awareness kind of feeling when you are not panicking, but you're not relaxed either. You're sort of in a happy medium that could get overly off balanced at a moments notice, but it is a calm and collective sort of feeling that you need to be in while you drive in bad weather conditions. Its what got me through the various trips to Idaho over the last few years, through a horrific blizzard heading from Salt Lake to Rexburg in the middle of the night, leaving the crazy events in Park City and now this. I think I drove at a max of 40mph on the freeway and thought about a few things as I drove.
First was my inability to see very far in front of me. I could see maybe a good 50 yards or so through the rain, but the rain that's kicked up by other cars as they pass or were in front of me made it a little harder. Also impeding my vision were the headlights of cars behind me. However, the taillights of the cars in front of me guided me to where I needed to be. That was the first lesson learned. Sometimes life is a rainy road and we're just driving down it and have no choice but to push through it. Its hard to see as is, but sometimes you have those behind you either in life, your past, or just people you don't know who are getting in your way, all making it harder for you to see ahead because they have their bright lights on behind you. Sure it may illuminate your immediate area, but it makes it more difficult to see very well. On the other hand there are those who are in front of you whom occasionally you get behind. They are taking the brunt of the storm and driving slowly sure, but are picking up the hard end of things. Because they are doing this however you can benefit by following the light they leave behind. Its slow going but it helps you see where you are.
The other lesson I learned had to do with the lightning itself. There was a lot of it and it was flashing roughly every few seconds. In retrospect that was not a safe drive to be making but oh well. The lightning always came from one side of the road or the other it seemed. Occasionally out of the corner of my eye I'd look at it, or if a particularly impressive bolt came down I would glance then keep glued to the road in front of me. More often that I was comfortable with there would be a huge number of flashes right in front of me that lit up the sky brilliantly. In any normal circumstance it would have been pretty and helpful to light through the darkness. However, with all the rain all it did was illuminate the rain and causing me to not be able to see hardly anything at all. Lucky for anyone driving, they have those lines painted in the road to guide you to where it goes, turns, and stops. Sometimes in life there are really flashy things that distract us to where we are trying to go. Sometimes we don't look at them, sometimes we take our eyes off the road to get a better look, and occasionally they flash in front of us almost in a tantrum for us to pay attention. When this happens it makes it very difficult to see where we need to go. Its a matter of where you focus your attention that will help you get through it.
Eventually I managed to outrun the storm and its downpours. The rain fluctuated from very heavy to sprinkling back to heavy to eventually being behind me. This is also true for life. Sometimes we just have to bear it and wait till it passes, sometimes we need to barrel through it and leave it behind. Either way, storms always pass eventually. It just takes a little know how, focusing your attention, and staying on target to get through them safely or not.
First was my inability to see very far in front of me. I could see maybe a good 50 yards or so through the rain, but the rain that's kicked up by other cars as they pass or were in front of me made it a little harder. Also impeding my vision were the headlights of cars behind me. However, the taillights of the cars in front of me guided me to where I needed to be. That was the first lesson learned. Sometimes life is a rainy road and we're just driving down it and have no choice but to push through it. Its hard to see as is, but sometimes you have those behind you either in life, your past, or just people you don't know who are getting in your way, all making it harder for you to see ahead because they have their bright lights on behind you. Sure it may illuminate your immediate area, but it makes it more difficult to see very well. On the other hand there are those who are in front of you whom occasionally you get behind. They are taking the brunt of the storm and driving slowly sure, but are picking up the hard end of things. Because they are doing this however you can benefit by following the light they leave behind. Its slow going but it helps you see where you are.
The other lesson I learned had to do with the lightning itself. There was a lot of it and it was flashing roughly every few seconds. In retrospect that was not a safe drive to be making but oh well. The lightning always came from one side of the road or the other it seemed. Occasionally out of the corner of my eye I'd look at it, or if a particularly impressive bolt came down I would glance then keep glued to the road in front of me. More often that I was comfortable with there would be a huge number of flashes right in front of me that lit up the sky brilliantly. In any normal circumstance it would have been pretty and helpful to light through the darkness. However, with all the rain all it did was illuminate the rain and causing me to not be able to see hardly anything at all. Lucky for anyone driving, they have those lines painted in the road to guide you to where it goes, turns, and stops. Sometimes in life there are really flashy things that distract us to where we are trying to go. Sometimes we don't look at them, sometimes we take our eyes off the road to get a better look, and occasionally they flash in front of us almost in a tantrum for us to pay attention. When this happens it makes it very difficult to see where we need to go. Its a matter of where you focus your attention that will help you get through it.
Eventually I managed to outrun the storm and its downpours. The rain fluctuated from very heavy to sprinkling back to heavy to eventually being behind me. This is also true for life. Sometimes we just have to bear it and wait till it passes, sometimes we need to barrel through it and leave it behind. Either way, storms always pass eventually. It just takes a little know how, focusing your attention, and staying on target to get through them safely or not.
But Only For You
I for one am tired of this upward downward trend of things I've been feeling lately. Who knew the heart was such a fickle thing that has to say one day "meh I don't care anymore", then others go "oh wait.. I remember this or that"
I think I just need to move somewhere far away and try again or something.
I think I just need to move somewhere far away and try again or something.
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