Love And Affection

Recently I’ve been drifting in my thoughts again, but in a good way for once. I’ve just noticed a steady trend to life not quite being what I imagined, but it not being all that bad either. It’s funny how things work out sometime. One thing in particular I’ve noticed is that some things are in fact turning out the way I wanted them to, what I had planned them to. Things are still happening although a bit more slowly than I wanted but life is still moving on towards whatever comes after today. Tomorrow I imagine. Personal progress, emotional progress, self assurance, and well to be honest physical things that I’ve wanted to purchase as I got into the life of “being an adult”. Its way to long off in my life that I’m just now getting a real bed for the first time, but that’s beside the point. There’s only one factor that’s missing, the thing I had, but I’m thinking to myself that I guess I don’t need it anymore. That thing being love.
Now I’m not claiming that I desire to live without love in my life, theres many different kinds, but I’m talking about the real deal. Love: affectionate, passionate, romantic love. I made a comment to myself this morning about some tasty food stuffs in the bakery and I began it by thinking “If I ever decide again that I want to be married..” and I stopped to think about it for a second. Do I even care about it anymore? I guess not. I mean sure that’s still a want and well I’d gladly take the life I had imagined instead, but for the first time in probably the last ten years or so I’m just not looking ahead to any kind of relationship of that kind at all. Not marking out being with somebody or wanting to be, just that feeling of well what can I hope to achieve from here on out? Through this whole situation of the last couple of years I learned firsthand what the difference to me between liking somebody and loving somebody. In previous relationships there always came a point where I thought to myself “this girl is great, I think I love her. Yeah that must be what this feeling is.” It wasn’t until my previous one that I really felt what love actually is and how much the other ones didn’t even come close. This was a much higher level, something completely untouchable. The relationship itself may have failed, but its lasting effects have made me think.
I’ve never been a big seeker of them in my life, relationships that is. I’ve got the uncanny feeling of not wanting to be alone and throughout the years always been on the lookout for companionship. I’ve never been on the prowl or anything like that, its funny how each one that has come alone has done just that: been in the right place at the right time. People come into our lives and go from our lives and any relationship I’ve ever had hasn’t been something that I had to look very far for, they just sort of fell into my lap, after which I did my part and all that jazz and it would happen. But I guess its never been a search, sure I’d have my eyes peeled, but the wait, the patience, and the timing has always been a part. Maybe I’m still jaded from it all or really honestly don’t care anymore but it just feels like I’m done for now. I thought to myself this morning for the first time in who knows how long “I guess I don’t really care if I ever get to that point again.” Don’t get me wrong, having somebody special in your life is always great but for me it always seems to end the same way and I think I’m done with it. Who knows if that’s a for now thing or a forever thing, but I’m not bitter or depressed about it either. Just a whatever, I’m just going to be me for awhile.
That’s love, something bigger and stronger. I have no idea if I’ve got it in me for another round or can bring myself to it again in the future. I did however think the same way about the other end, affection but I proved myself wrong as well. I enjoy the company of others and I’m currently enjoying the company of a friend of mine. Its not a full on relationship but its not a friends with benefits thing either. It’s a mutual enjoyment of each others company I guess. Maybe I’m over simplifying things and making it more complicated for myself, but this is easier for me it feels like. Its easy to care about somebody, but difficult to love somebody. I wonder if I’ll ever feel that way again about somebody else. I don’t know. I’m not bitter about my experience anymore, nor angry, nor really depressed. Still disappointed sure. Still love her sure, but I guess that’s the past. In the meantime I’m ok with just being me and if somebody is along for the ride then so be it. We can enjoy it together.