I bought a new journal yesterday after deciding that I don't want to reflect so much on previous entries in there, even though I got really bad about writing in it for the last year or so. They are scattered entries of maybe a handful over the last year and a half. It did however really chronicle the first half of 2009, but that's not what I feel really good about reading right now, so I bought a new one. Its funny because I started writing in that journal way back in 2005 when I came back from Mexico. The first entry was dated November 24, 2005 (the day after I came back) and the last entry was from June 16, 2010 (the day I talked to Virginia's parents to ask for their permission). The funny thing is that that journal isn't completely full either. It most certainly would be had I been writing in it as much as I intended. There are a lot and a lot of experiences that just aren't in there. Thankfully a lot of them exist on my computer or various social network sites.
But anyway, while reading through my last journal I remembered a couple of odd dreams I had and wrote down later. There were more in older journals but I couldn't find them. I just wanted to put them up here just because they are still interesting to me now, especially since they make sense to me now.
March 14, 2008
"I had an interesting dream. I was traveling through some small town and stopped at a school much like BYU Idaho and somehow/some reason I met a girl there. She was really cute and I really started to like her. I did think about my current gf, but also knew that this was better for some reason. I don't know. The details are fuzzy now but I honestly wonder what it means and more importantly I wonder who she was and if I'll ever find out? Because it seemed like one of "those kinds" of dreams."
(Going back to BYU Idaho was the furthest thing from my mind at this point, let alone seeing anyone else. Little did I know that both of these things would come true less than a year later).
March 20, 2008
"I wonder about a dream I had last night. I was going to Rexburg I think and Paula was with me, and I ran into Sarah and some girl I don't know. Sarah was excited to see me, but turned off by Paula and vice versa. It was a fun dream for a bit as the three of them seemed to compete for my attention. Then it was sad when I decided that I had to decide between them. I walked up to them standing around a table. Paula suddenly seemed against me choosing her, but more indifferent then anything. I wonder what does it mean? I certainly didn't make a decision in my dream, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't her."
(This also pre-dated things a long long while. I still hadn't decided to go to Rexburg, nor had I started to talk to Sarah at all either. That didn't happen until October or so. I do remember that not to long after I started talking to Virginia I identified and recognized her as that third girl. That's so weird to me.)
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Killing Time
If I could sit and play music all day long every day then life would be (nearly) perfect. Until then, playing shows with my friends and then writing my own music, then more with another friend, and even more with another group of friends, music really hits the spot. It relieves that itch that in my life that has felt vacant for awhile. Its a pipe-dream, but it would be a nice one one the less.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Exponential Lines
So I had to take a minute while I was at work to recompose myself this morning. Life is really a bitch when it interferes during the work day. I sat and pondered the last half a year or so since this downhill spiral seemed to start and wondered when that curve is going to kick back up.
For the first time in my life, I compared myself to math. Scary huh? This morning made me think about those line graphs you would do in algebra class. Most of the time when you are plotting points and connecting them the line starts in one quadrant and continues on a curve in one direction. There are other kinds that go back in the opposite direction or instead of continuing in the original path they curve upwards or downwards, in other words there are a ton of them and they make my brain hurt. Which is probably why I took that math class in college three times before I passed it but that's another matter.
I consider 2010 to be a very linear graph, with minor curves in it, not unlike one of those machines that charts out earthquake activity making it rapidly shoot from one direction to the other, but eventually this graph does continue onto its path in the same place it started. 2010 started out as honest to goodness the best year of my life. Everything was finally in place and I mean everything. So that starts out in quadrant two of the graph. You know the upper left hand one. So high note yeah. You can't see the future, so if everything is going great you only assume that its starting at that one point and continuing to the right into quad one right? Well with those ups and downs it still seemed like it was headed in the right direction. By the end of the year I see yes, it was a linear year, but it was heading into a diagonal straight for number 4, the bottom right hand corner.
So yes time is never ending and well just because we change over from one year to another doesn't really mean that we are starting over. Just calenders and to some extent money seasons and all that crap, but we're still where we're at. However, with that if we ended the year in quad 4, we start the year in quad 4 right? Well coupled with that new year optimism that we all seem to have, its like plotting new points and changing the trajectory of the line, essentially starting a new one, even though you really can't start a new line for real, just like you can't just start a new life, only change direction.
This early in the game I wonder what kind of line I'm making this year. I'm crossing my fingers for Exponential, or that upper curve that starts at the bottom and heads upwards and to the right. Hell I'd even settle for Quadratic, the one that dips but as it progresses it ends up higher than the origin point in most cases or at every least the same place where it started only in another quad. Although that would be cause of going deeper than you already are and I'm not sure I can handle that at all. Or maybe 2010 and 2011 are part of a quad line and I'm just at that bottom swell, very very slowly climbing back into 1? I don't know and I won't know until enough time passes that you can look back. Time is funny that way. We see all the answers after we've experienced everything even though we really don't want them then, we want them first. But that ruins the experience doesn't it? Although looking back does reveal the things we've missed a lot of times, but that's a whole different story.
That's what I thought about this morning. It makes sense to me, maybe not you. And I'm sure most of those terms were wrong, but hey what do I know? I flunked college algebra a couple of times, so obviously I didn't get it right the first time.
For the first time in my life, I compared myself to math. Scary huh? This morning made me think about those line graphs you would do in algebra class. Most of the time when you are plotting points and connecting them the line starts in one quadrant and continues on a curve in one direction. There are other kinds that go back in the opposite direction or instead of continuing in the original path they curve upwards or downwards, in other words there are a ton of them and they make my brain hurt. Which is probably why I took that math class in college three times before I passed it but that's another matter.
I consider 2010 to be a very linear graph, with minor curves in it, not unlike one of those machines that charts out earthquake activity making it rapidly shoot from one direction to the other, but eventually this graph does continue onto its path in the same place it started. 2010 started out as honest to goodness the best year of my life. Everything was finally in place and I mean everything. So that starts out in quadrant two of the graph. You know the upper left hand one. So high note yeah. You can't see the future, so if everything is going great you only assume that its starting at that one point and continuing to the right into quad one right? Well with those ups and downs it still seemed like it was headed in the right direction. By the end of the year I see yes, it was a linear year, but it was heading into a diagonal straight for number 4, the bottom right hand corner.
So yes time is never ending and well just because we change over from one year to another doesn't really mean that we are starting over. Just calenders and to some extent money seasons and all that crap, but we're still where we're at. However, with that if we ended the year in quad 4, we start the year in quad 4 right? Well coupled with that new year optimism that we all seem to have, its like plotting new points and changing the trajectory of the line, essentially starting a new one, even though you really can't start a new line for real, just like you can't just start a new life, only change direction.
This early in the game I wonder what kind of line I'm making this year. I'm crossing my fingers for Exponential, or that upper curve that starts at the bottom and heads upwards and to the right. Hell I'd even settle for Quadratic, the one that dips but as it progresses it ends up higher than the origin point in most cases or at every least the same place where it started only in another quad. Although that would be cause of going deeper than you already are and I'm not sure I can handle that at all. Or maybe 2010 and 2011 are part of a quad line and I'm just at that bottom swell, very very slowly climbing back into 1? I don't know and I won't know until enough time passes that you can look back. Time is funny that way. We see all the answers after we've experienced everything even though we really don't want them then, we want them first. But that ruins the experience doesn't it? Although looking back does reveal the things we've missed a lot of times, but that's a whole different story.
That's what I thought about this morning. It makes sense to me, maybe not you. And I'm sure most of those terms were wrong, but hey what do I know? I flunked college algebra a couple of times, so obviously I didn't get it right the first time.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
A Story I Remember
I remember a time two years ago around this day. There were two people who were both at a crossroads in their lives. One had just ending a semi-relationship they had gotten into that they weren’t sure about, while another was just finding the heartbreak of the feeling that comes with almost starting one, but failing to do so for various reasons. Neither of these two were looking for anything in particular, but were just happy being alive and both were taking life a day at a time.
One day a bit earlier than this, a few weeks perhaps, those two got to talking a little bit. Very little at first, but the conversations grew longer and longer. The smiles became glances and the feelings of something different danced around. Neither knew what they wanted in life, but both felt something different, something positive, and something happy. From the day these conversations began, neither went a day without seeing the other, if even for a few hours from that day forward. Calls were made, messages sent, comments, texts, just a good ole friendly time. Then slowly confessions were made, faces turned red, but neither could believe how earnest it felt, nor how right it seemed to be.
On this day two years ago, one came to the other’s home and had lunch. Then the two went outside for to work on a school project together. A seemingly pointless and stupid assignment, but the other didn’t care, for they were spending time with the first, and the first was getting to see more of the second. Then a bit later in the afternoon they found themselves sitting on a couch just thinking. Time gave way to a kiss and from there it stood and became something real. From that moment on those two were inseparable. They shared adventures, good times, bad times, hard times, exciting times, conversations, fights, dances, glances, smiles, all the time just enjoying being one with the other. It’s a very typical story, it happens to everyone sometime.
At one point they parted because one was foolish and took the other for granted. Then after some thought and real searching fought their way back to the other and things were as they were again. They were closer than ever before and shared life together. One special day they even promised to share their lives together from here on out and it brought peace to their hearts. Then sorrow, then fear, then doubt, but ultimately peace again where it remained. Sometime later things changed while one was away and they didn’t share each day together. Then they changed and one day one told the other that it was done and it just wasn’t there anymore and that was it.
No more smiles. No more hugs. No more being there for one another. No more memories. Now only one looks back and remembers it all, while the other lives on seemingly pretending that it never happened, even though it did. Perhaps this story is more words than its worth. But to one, it is their story, and still is and forever will be.
Life goes on regrettably without you now and I suppose I’m the only one who wishes it different. People may scoff at it, but the heart remembers everything and I’ll love you always. Happy 2 diamond cheek. Happy 2.
One day a bit earlier than this, a few weeks perhaps, those two got to talking a little bit. Very little at first, but the conversations grew longer and longer. The smiles became glances and the feelings of something different danced around. Neither knew what they wanted in life, but both felt something different, something positive, and something happy. From the day these conversations began, neither went a day without seeing the other, if even for a few hours from that day forward. Calls were made, messages sent, comments, texts, just a good ole friendly time. Then slowly confessions were made, faces turned red, but neither could believe how earnest it felt, nor how right it seemed to be.
On this day two years ago, one came to the other’s home and had lunch. Then the two went outside for to work on a school project together. A seemingly pointless and stupid assignment, but the other didn’t care, for they were spending time with the first, and the first was getting to see more of the second. Then a bit later in the afternoon they found themselves sitting on a couch just thinking. Time gave way to a kiss and from there it stood and became something real. From that moment on those two were inseparable. They shared adventures, good times, bad times, hard times, exciting times, conversations, fights, dances, glances, smiles, all the time just enjoying being one with the other. It’s a very typical story, it happens to everyone sometime.
At one point they parted because one was foolish and took the other for granted. Then after some thought and real searching fought their way back to the other and things were as they were again. They were closer than ever before and shared life together. One special day they even promised to share their lives together from here on out and it brought peace to their hearts. Then sorrow, then fear, then doubt, but ultimately peace again where it remained. Sometime later things changed while one was away and they didn’t share each day together. Then they changed and one day one told the other that it was done and it just wasn’t there anymore and that was it.
No more smiles. No more hugs. No more being there for one another. No more memories. Now only one looks back and remembers it all, while the other lives on seemingly pretending that it never happened, even though it did. Perhaps this story is more words than its worth. But to one, it is their story, and still is and forever will be.
Life goes on regrettably without you now and I suppose I’m the only one who wishes it different. People may scoff at it, but the heart remembers everything and I’ll love you always. Happy 2 diamond cheek. Happy 2.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
I took a long look at myself in the mirror this morning after I got out of the shower, something I haven't done for a long while now. I noticed this morning that I am a stronger person today than I was yesterday and the day before. I am no longer that quivering mass of flesh and bones that cannot function from day to day, although there are days when that person returns and leaves me on the floor for a few hours. But for the most part I can carry on my day to day life again. My mind is constantly running and thinking and remembering and feeling and regretting, but at least I can still get up and walk around instead of being paralyzed in my own home. These days still occur tho.
The tears don't come nearly as much anymore, they still happen often but not as much and when they do its never good and they last awhile. The dreams don't come as often anymore either, but again they still do and they are still crippling. But I'm managing. I'm not ok, just managing. I still don't hold a grudge and I still don't hold any contempt and I still feel the same way I have felt for the last two years and that's not ever going to change on my end, even if it already has on the other.
But today I'm still walking and still making myself get up, even if its at a crawl from time to time.
I'm a hopeful person, I always have been. Its been one of my strengths that has pushed me through most of my life, that great hope in living and making things work out. It has been one of my weaknesses at this time as hope combined with heartbreak makes an enemy out of you. But, somewhere inside there is still hope, even if its very tiny and not likely. Hope knows no difference. I kept myself from doing something really stupid last night that wasn't a well thought out decision or at least I thought it wasn't, which is why I didn't do it. I'm still tempted to do so, but I know what will be the result of which. The post I have already written that will go up tomorrow might spell a different story, but its still true. I may not be unable to function anymore and I may be moving at a snails pace, but that hope still lays in wait deep inside probably to never surface ever again, but its there. Where it always will be.
The tears don't come nearly as much anymore, they still happen often but not as much and when they do its never good and they last awhile. The dreams don't come as often anymore either, but again they still do and they are still crippling. But I'm managing. I'm not ok, just managing. I still don't hold a grudge and I still don't hold any contempt and I still feel the same way I have felt for the last two years and that's not ever going to change on my end, even if it already has on the other.
But today I'm still walking and still making myself get up, even if its at a crawl from time to time.
I'm a hopeful person, I always have been. Its been one of my strengths that has pushed me through most of my life, that great hope in living and making things work out. It has been one of my weaknesses at this time as hope combined with heartbreak makes an enemy out of you. But, somewhere inside there is still hope, even if its very tiny and not likely. Hope knows no difference. I kept myself from doing something really stupid last night that wasn't a well thought out decision or at least I thought it wasn't, which is why I didn't do it. I'm still tempted to do so, but I know what will be the result of which. The post I have already written that will go up tomorrow might spell a different story, but its still true. I may not be unable to function anymore and I may be moving at a snails pace, but that hope still lays in wait deep inside probably to never surface ever again, but its there. Where it always will be.
Monday, February 21, 2011
An Inner Conflict
More of the same here, but if you don't like it well don't read it.
The question was posed to me at least more than once this weekend after learning about a few things that have gone on recently. I tried to not really think about it, but I couldn't help it and all day yesterday it was on my mind. When it was asked again last night I gave a more definitive answer, but after laying awake all night I guess that's not really the case anymore. I know myself a little too well and it made me think harder. What is it about what the heart wants that overpowers our senses so much more? Its the same reason I think anything happens in life. We use our brains to discover solutions to problems and overcome the obstacles that nine times out of ten the heart creates for us. The heart knows what it wants even if we don't.
I thought long and hard and my answer last night was mostly likely no. If someone asked me that anytime up till a few weeks ago or so I would have said yes immediately. Not being completely dive in head first, because obviously I would need to work a few things out in the middle and honestly be shown that I wouldn't be let down again. The feelings are still there, but the trust for the most part might not be. It kind of, no it really did break me almost completely. It shut everything down. I may know what I want, but like the child that touched the stove then got burned remembers to not touch the stove again until they know its safe. Its the same deal here.
But thinking about it so much last night made me think more of the time that was spent and the memories and everything that I had been trying to not think about and forget, even though my dreams never allow me to, it all just came flooding back. I try to stay away from where I will see and hear things, but I went back and took another look around like I used to. I pulled out the hard drive where all the pictures, chats, videos, and everything else were put away and just looked at it as a whole. Even the negative parts. All together. Specifically I read the list I was asked to make the day before of pros and cons of it all, the one that was never used. That list still holds far more pros than cons to me. Nothing as a deal breaker. Which brings me back to the original question. Now I'm not so sure. Other than the obvious let me think about this and let me be assured that it wouldn't again, I feel that I would. I don't particularly care the cost, I would. I know it would be twice as difficult as before and I probably wouldn't get the support from the people that mattered the most, too many things have been said and I don't really know where to look at from it all, but I still would. I guess I always would.
Will it ever happen? I doubt it. I'm still pretty positive I'm the only one who's ever looked back or felt hurt in the situation, but none the less if it did I would go back.
The question was posed to me at least more than once this weekend after learning about a few things that have gone on recently. I tried to not really think about it, but I couldn't help it and all day yesterday it was on my mind. When it was asked again last night I gave a more definitive answer, but after laying awake all night I guess that's not really the case anymore. I know myself a little too well and it made me think harder. What is it about what the heart wants that overpowers our senses so much more? Its the same reason I think anything happens in life. We use our brains to discover solutions to problems and overcome the obstacles that nine times out of ten the heart creates for us. The heart knows what it wants even if we don't.
I thought long and hard and my answer last night was mostly likely no. If someone asked me that anytime up till a few weeks ago or so I would have said yes immediately. Not being completely dive in head first, because obviously I would need to work a few things out in the middle and honestly be shown that I wouldn't be let down again. The feelings are still there, but the trust for the most part might not be. It kind of, no it really did break me almost completely. It shut everything down. I may know what I want, but like the child that touched the stove then got burned remembers to not touch the stove again until they know its safe. Its the same deal here.
But thinking about it so much last night made me think more of the time that was spent and the memories and everything that I had been trying to not think about and forget, even though my dreams never allow me to, it all just came flooding back. I try to stay away from where I will see and hear things, but I went back and took another look around like I used to. I pulled out the hard drive where all the pictures, chats, videos, and everything else were put away and just looked at it as a whole. Even the negative parts. All together. Specifically I read the list I was asked to make the day before of pros and cons of it all, the one that was never used. That list still holds far more pros than cons to me. Nothing as a deal breaker. Which brings me back to the original question. Now I'm not so sure. Other than the obvious let me think about this and let me be assured that it wouldn't again, I feel that I would. I don't particularly care the cost, I would. I know it would be twice as difficult as before and I probably wouldn't get the support from the people that mattered the most, too many things have been said and I don't really know where to look at from it all, but I still would. I guess I always would.
Will it ever happen? I doubt it. I'm still pretty positive I'm the only one who's ever looked back or felt hurt in the situation, but none the less if it did I would go back.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
late night pt whatever we're at right now
As I lay awake in this daze I've been in since yesterday and the questions I've posed to myself that I can't find an answer to, all I know that deep down and sounding cliche but I don't care because it still holds true.
"Time is nothing and I'll love you always"
"Time is nothing and I'll love you always"
Yeah Yeah Yeah
This time around we shall march to battle
And bring (freedom) to the people
Isn't that what you want?
Isn't that what we've wanted all along?
now what?
And bring (freedom) to the people
Isn't that what you want?
Isn't that what we've wanted all along?
now what?
Gummi Care
I don't know what it is about music that just takes me somewhere else. Sure I can do that when I listen to music in headphones, or at a concert or whatever, but playing my own music and music with my friends just takes me somewhere far far away where everything just clicks like I feel it should in my life. I haven't felt this way in a long long time and every time I get together with one of the handful of groups I play music with on a regular basis it just does it. I'm getting more confident in my playing and singing abilities and it just helps me to vent out the things I feel and didn't know I felt, both good and bad.
Sure it doesn't make life completely better and when its all over and the glow wears off, I still sit here in the dark and feel a bit lonely or sad and still miss who I've lost, but at least in that moment I feel kind of whole again. Maybe one day I'll find something more permanent to be able to feel like that again. I still sit here with the same feelings I've always felt, no anger, no distaste, only mild regret, still missing, still loving, some days are better than others, but its nice to know that I have friends who are that safety net and help out when needs be.
Still as I sit up late at night I sit here and wonder the "what ifs" and "still maybes" that I know I shouldn't, but thats what dreams are for my friends. Thats what dreams are for and they can never be taken away from me.
Sure it doesn't make life completely better and when its all over and the glow wears off, I still sit here in the dark and feel a bit lonely or sad and still miss who I've lost, but at least in that moment I feel kind of whole again. Maybe one day I'll find something more permanent to be able to feel like that again. I still sit here with the same feelings I've always felt, no anger, no distaste, only mild regret, still missing, still loving, some days are better than others, but its nice to know that I have friends who are that safety net and help out when needs be.
Still as I sit up late at night I sit here and wonder the "what ifs" and "still maybes" that I know I shouldn't, but thats what dreams are for my friends. Thats what dreams are for and they can never be taken away from me.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
A Helpful Hint
Yes, helping friends in delicate situations is sketchy at best and hard to navigate, but let me give you a tip or two of what not to do and say.
-say "its better you find out now then later on" I get the sentiment of this statement, but its really not helpful to be honest and doesn't do much
-if you don't like the person or haven't thats fine, but telling them that is not helpful either. Unless that friend lets you know that "hey i hate them and i hate their guts" odds are they don't, so revealing that "we all hated them all along" actually is the furthest thing from comforting. All that says is, oh gee thanks for being supportive I suppose, but its nice to know that had it worked out we'd just be that couple that, oh we like you, but man is their wife a bitch and we hate her. Glad to know that's the life we'd be living.
-closely related to that is informing them in so many words "we weren't supportive because we collectively decided that you were making a huge mistake with your life and we didn't like it". So glad to know that your friend's life is now your responsibility to mend and control to your needs and wants. By all means dont think about what they want, no no.
There are a billion of em I could say sure, but hey if ever faced with needing to help a friend, do them a favor and avoid those three at least. They'll thank you for it eventually.
-say "its better you find out now then later on" I get the sentiment of this statement, but its really not helpful to be honest and doesn't do much
-if you don't like the person or haven't thats fine, but telling them that is not helpful either. Unless that friend lets you know that "hey i hate them and i hate their guts" odds are they don't, so revealing that "we all hated them all along" actually is the furthest thing from comforting. All that says is, oh gee thanks for being supportive I suppose, but its nice to know that had it worked out we'd just be that couple that, oh we like you, but man is their wife a bitch and we hate her. Glad to know that's the life we'd be living.
-closely related to that is informing them in so many words "we weren't supportive because we collectively decided that you were making a huge mistake with your life and we didn't like it". So glad to know that your friend's life is now your responsibility to mend and control to your needs and wants. By all means dont think about what they want, no no.
There are a billion of em I could say sure, but hey if ever faced with needing to help a friend, do them a favor and avoid those three at least. They'll thank you for it eventually.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Every Day Is A Good Day
I just felt like writing suddenly and I don't know why. I don't have anything important or worthwhile to say.
Valentine's Day is over for another year and it wasn't that bad. Sure there wasn't any great defining moment, nor anything special about it, its just another day. Yes yes, Feb 14th is just another day. The problem is that its such a commercial holiday that no matter who you are or where you are there is a definite feeling of expectation. If you are in a relationship with somebody there is the expectation you have to live up to in order to make sure its that "perfect romantic day". If you are not then you just feel lonely and sad.
I'm not one of those people who can't function without somebody else, although I guess you wouldn't think that if you have been reading this blog right? :P, but where my feelings of oh hey I don't have somebody today thats ok its just another day fails, is that in the past I have had people around and memories are my worst enemy. Days like today for me are bombarded from memories of past days. For me its not just this day, I tend to do it with everything. I'm a detail person when it comes to relationships as well as major projects. I document nearly everything from favorite memories, to what I was thinking at the time, to whatever happened on whatever day. Its fun for me to think back and look at a calender and say I did this on said day at this time. Especially if I look back at it a year or so later. Thats what have made any type of anniversary feel sort of successful for me when I can bring up these memories as if they just happened with somebody else. Quite fun.
The problem with that, is that when they go from happy memories to memories of times I wish were still around, they tend to get me down a bit. Valentine's day always being associated with romance and love as it is, makes the worst memories memorable, but really isn't that how any bad memories come to fruition in life? I suppose so.
Anyway, today has been a mix of emotions. Something of floating around in a sleepy daze from being so tired today, to being bored with what I was listening to, to taking a lengthy nap when I started to think too much, to being a little weepy when I received some mail from a friend, then reading a card from my sister. I may not have any one special person in my life right now, but its always nice to remember that I have many special people in my life, that while it isn't quite the same its still ok.
I've got lots of other thoughts and feelings that I don't really know what to do with at the moment that involve a menagerie of things and people, but I guess most of these situations I can't do anything about them so I might as well not get too involved. That's the best policy right?
Valentine's Day is over for another year and it wasn't that bad. Sure there wasn't any great defining moment, nor anything special about it, its just another day. Yes yes, Feb 14th is just another day. The problem is that its such a commercial holiday that no matter who you are or where you are there is a definite feeling of expectation. If you are in a relationship with somebody there is the expectation you have to live up to in order to make sure its that "perfect romantic day". If you are not then you just feel lonely and sad.
I'm not one of those people who can't function without somebody else, although I guess you wouldn't think that if you have been reading this blog right? :P, but where my feelings of oh hey I don't have somebody today thats ok its just another day fails, is that in the past I have had people around and memories are my worst enemy. Days like today for me are bombarded from memories of past days. For me its not just this day, I tend to do it with everything. I'm a detail person when it comes to relationships as well as major projects. I document nearly everything from favorite memories, to what I was thinking at the time, to whatever happened on whatever day. Its fun for me to think back and look at a calender and say I did this on said day at this time. Especially if I look back at it a year or so later. Thats what have made any type of anniversary feel sort of successful for me when I can bring up these memories as if they just happened with somebody else. Quite fun.
The problem with that, is that when they go from happy memories to memories of times I wish were still around, they tend to get me down a bit. Valentine's day always being associated with romance and love as it is, makes the worst memories memorable, but really isn't that how any bad memories come to fruition in life? I suppose so.
Anyway, today has been a mix of emotions. Something of floating around in a sleepy daze from being so tired today, to being bored with what I was listening to, to taking a lengthy nap when I started to think too much, to being a little weepy when I received some mail from a friend, then reading a card from my sister. I may not have any one special person in my life right now, but its always nice to remember that I have many special people in my life, that while it isn't quite the same its still ok.
I've got lots of other thoughts and feelings that I don't really know what to do with at the moment that involve a menagerie of things and people, but I guess most of these situations I can't do anything about them so I might as well not get too involved. That's the best policy right?
A Day In History
2003 - Spent driving a car back from Dallas for a job. Nothing exciting
2004-2005 - Was in Mexico and honestly didn't ever remember the day.
2006 - I can't for the life of me remember that day either.
2007 - Spent all day editing together a live DVD of Victim Effect performances.
2008 - Planned out a fancy dinner date with Paula as well as brought her flowers at work
2009 - Spent the weekend at Natalie's making Anti-Valentine's Cookies as well as spent the entire weekend flirting up a storm with Virginia through messages, wall posts, picture comments, pretty much everything. We had just barely met a few days prior and started dating pretty quickly after that.
2010 - The day before I got in the biggest fight with Virginia ever, but all out of a misunderstanding that got blown out of proportion. Then I made things right as well as proved that I did have something planned and that night and the actual day of V-Day went smoothly and was awesome.
2011 - ? Job training and then.... yeah I dunno, probably going to come home and take a nap? Hooray....
Never really been a fan of the day my whole life. Its very pushy and there are way too many expectations placed on it. Yes, it is tolerable and nice when you are with somebody on that day true, but even if I am on any given time, I still don't like the day. Oh well, see ya next year poopy day. See you next year.
2004-2005 - Was in Mexico and honestly didn't ever remember the day.
2006 - I can't for the life of me remember that day either.
2007 - Spent all day editing together a live DVD of Victim Effect performances.
2008 - Planned out a fancy dinner date with Paula as well as brought her flowers at work
2009 - Spent the weekend at Natalie's making Anti-Valentine's Cookies as well as spent the entire weekend flirting up a storm with Virginia through messages, wall posts, picture comments, pretty much everything. We had just barely met a few days prior and started dating pretty quickly after that.
2010 - The day before I got in the biggest fight with Virginia ever, but all out of a misunderstanding that got blown out of proportion. Then I made things right as well as proved that I did have something planned and that night and the actual day of V-Day went smoothly and was awesome.
2011 - ? Job training and then.... yeah I dunno, probably going to come home and take a nap? Hooray....
Never really been a fan of the day my whole life. Its very pushy and there are way too many expectations placed on it. Yes, it is tolerable and nice when you are with somebody on that day true, but even if I am on any given time, I still don't like the day. Oh well, see ya next year poopy day. See you next year.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
What Dreams May Be
I received a message a few days ago inviting us to a showcase of sorts at Downtown Music next month. That's fine and dandy and after asking the other guys, we're all in. So we'll play a showcase/festival next month. No problem. Well until I just thought about it. Showcase. That's not a normal show. Now I'm not, as with any nice opportunity that comes our way, getting myself overly excited nor jumping out of my skin about it, but I think it might be something to take a little seriously. Why? Well I'll tell you why. This is best case scenerio but I like to lay it out like that anyway.
This is a showcase of musical acts of the greater Arkansas area for the record label Rotten Records. They don't really have much on them that I've ever heard of, the only notable one that I know of is Green Jello,so yeah not really mega superstars or anything. But it is a legitimate indy label. The purpose that I was informed of in the email is to not only have a big place for these bands to perform, but for the president, whoever he is, to watch all these bands and possibly sign a few onto their label. Hmm... neat? Signing onto their label does not in any way or form mean hey I'm gonna make a ton of money and be supported for the rest of my life, be on tv, and everything else. But it does mean getting support to record an album as well as being able to tour and possibly play some large festivals across the country. That's something I would really love to do right now. Can it happen? Absolutely. Will it happen? Maybe maybe not. But hey.. this one could be an important one that I should pay attention to perhaps.
This is a showcase of musical acts of the greater Arkansas area for the record label Rotten Records. They don't really have much on them that I've ever heard of, the only notable one that I know of is Green Jello,so yeah not really mega superstars or anything. But it is a legitimate indy label. The purpose that I was informed of in the email is to not only have a big place for these bands to perform, but for the president, whoever he is, to watch all these bands and possibly sign a few onto their label. Hmm... neat? Signing onto their label does not in any way or form mean hey I'm gonna make a ton of money and be supported for the rest of my life, be on tv, and everything else. But it does mean getting support to record an album as well as being able to tour and possibly play some large festivals across the country. That's something I would really love to do right now. Can it happen? Absolutely. Will it happen? Maybe maybe not. But hey.. this one could be an important one that I should pay attention to perhaps.
You Wake Up In The Morning, Think Its A Brand New Day
This won't meant as much to me as it would have if I would have posted it this morning but oh well. I woke up this morning in the usual funk that I do after playing a show. Namely that of being funky, sore, and in that odd mix of dreaming/being awake the whole night. Its weird and I get rested, but it always fees like I'm not. I haven't played a show in awhile so its always a weird feeling to come back to.
The one thing that is normal however, is dreams. Always after a show I dream about it, or performing in general. Last night was an exception sadly. :/ Is there really no rest from the dreams I've been having for nearly three months now? I think last night was the worst of all. It mixed a few happy memories into what happened and was just the worst. I think in life that is the one saving grace of nightmares, they give you a good startle or scare sure, but when you wake up its not real and you can go on with your day. Occasionally there is something that just makes you feel off for a few hours but you tend to shrug it off after awhile. These however, absolutely not. There is no shrugging them off, it just painfully reminds me that being asleep and waking up are the same thing and I'm seriously tired of it.
Last night was a lot of fun and I think it was the first time that I had truly been enjoying myself completely and not thinking even for a moment about any of all this. That is until it was over. After all the high fives and small chat with everybody was done it reminded me of what I normally would do after a show and it was just odd to not have anybody waiting in the wings on a text from me to say how things went. Not to mention the feeling of ok I'll just head on home now I guess.
A small side note of things makes me really wonder how far I've come in close to three months time. I understand that its a lengthy process and its very difficult. I believe in progress and yes I have made some, but not nearly as much as I wish I would have. I also made the thought last night that while yeah people tend to not talk to me about things nor bring them up. I imagine it makes them uncomfortable and thats ok, it would to me to. I never felt angry or anything, maybe a little annoyed, that nobody tends to honestly ask me how I'm doing or anything tho. Yeah, I'm a pretty private person and I don't like to share things that I'm having problems with, this especially, but its nice to feel like your friends are at least a little concerned about you anyway. But the thing is, last night one of my friends whom I really hadn't seen very much in the past few months mentioned just off handed a couple of things to me, not as a big deal or anything, but I almost broke into tears then and there. So I guess that is something to be thankful for at the moment. I guess its a good thing people don't talk to me much about it, because I still can't handle it, not yet anyway. In time maybe.
The one thing that is normal however, is dreams. Always after a show I dream about it, or performing in general. Last night was an exception sadly. :/ Is there really no rest from the dreams I've been having for nearly three months now? I think last night was the worst of all. It mixed a few happy memories into what happened and was just the worst. I think in life that is the one saving grace of nightmares, they give you a good startle or scare sure, but when you wake up its not real and you can go on with your day. Occasionally there is something that just makes you feel off for a few hours but you tend to shrug it off after awhile. These however, absolutely not. There is no shrugging them off, it just painfully reminds me that being asleep and waking up are the same thing and I'm seriously tired of it.
Last night was a lot of fun and I think it was the first time that I had truly been enjoying myself completely and not thinking even for a moment about any of all this. That is until it was over. After all the high fives and small chat with everybody was done it reminded me of what I normally would do after a show and it was just odd to not have anybody waiting in the wings on a text from me to say how things went. Not to mention the feeling of ok I'll just head on home now I guess.
A small side note of things makes me really wonder how far I've come in close to three months time. I understand that its a lengthy process and its very difficult. I believe in progress and yes I have made some, but not nearly as much as I wish I would have. I also made the thought last night that while yeah people tend to not talk to me about things nor bring them up. I imagine it makes them uncomfortable and thats ok, it would to me to. I never felt angry or anything, maybe a little annoyed, that nobody tends to honestly ask me how I'm doing or anything tho. Yeah, I'm a pretty private person and I don't like to share things that I'm having problems with, this especially, but its nice to feel like your friends are at least a little concerned about you anyway. But the thing is, last night one of my friends whom I really hadn't seen very much in the past few months mentioned just off handed a couple of things to me, not as a big deal or anything, but I almost broke into tears then and there. So I guess that is something to be thankful for at the moment. I guess its a good thing people don't talk to me much about it, because I still can't handle it, not yet anyway. In time maybe.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Pre-flight jitters?
So tomorrow we perform again for the first time in months as T3. I personally will perform for the first time as a solo-ish acoustic act as Polar Bears n The Jungle. Excited? Sure, but a little nervous as well. While I've been riddled with disease this last week it hasn't left me with much prep work for my own set. Will it be ok? Absolutely, but none the less I always get nervous before shows. Now its time to really put myself to the test and see if I can truly handle it on my own. Ironic considering the turn of events really.
Honestly tho tomorrow will only be a good gauge to myself if nothing else, on seeing if I have the ability to do it and like it. It won't be a good example of what I'd normally be doing at all. I plan on playing all of my silly songs tomorrow and not my other ones that I actually like. I'm still on the fence about playing 1,000 years tomorrow, but I'm not sure if I should. Its really not fitting in with any of the rest of the set, nor the evening but I like it and its my show so.... who knows. If I like doing it, maybe I'll drop into an open mic night somewhere in the future and do PBnJ again only with my real music. Maybe, maybe not. I do know I'm going to re-record them all again in the near future tho. The ones I did the other day don't sound all that great even if there are 12 or so of them. It can always sound better.
So what am I really doing now? Just sitting and wondering and thinking. There's a lot more at steak in my mind than whats really on the table tomorrow. I think between the two sets I'm just going to be proving to myself that I do have something of worth to get out there. Maybe not the best thing in the world, but hey I'm not just something to be tossed aside. Or maybe that's being a tad dramatic, but as I've been saying for two months now, I just need a win right now. Just one. And I'm putting my chips on tomorrow being just that so I can get a bit better grounding here.
Honestly tho tomorrow will only be a good gauge to myself if nothing else, on seeing if I have the ability to do it and like it. It won't be a good example of what I'd normally be doing at all. I plan on playing all of my silly songs tomorrow and not my other ones that I actually like. I'm still on the fence about playing 1,000 years tomorrow, but I'm not sure if I should. Its really not fitting in with any of the rest of the set, nor the evening but I like it and its my show so.... who knows. If I like doing it, maybe I'll drop into an open mic night somewhere in the future and do PBnJ again only with my real music. Maybe, maybe not. I do know I'm going to re-record them all again in the near future tho. The ones I did the other day don't sound all that great even if there are 12 or so of them. It can always sound better.
So what am I really doing now? Just sitting and wondering and thinking. There's a lot more at steak in my mind than whats really on the table tomorrow. I think between the two sets I'm just going to be proving to myself that I do have something of worth to get out there. Maybe not the best thing in the world, but hey I'm not just something to be tossed aside. Or maybe that's being a tad dramatic, but as I've been saying for two months now, I just need a win right now. Just one. And I'm putting my chips on tomorrow being just that so I can get a bit better grounding here.
From Paranoid to Paralized
I hate being sick it causes the entire world to shut down for me. Luckily at this particular given time the whole world of Arkansas also shut down so its ok at the moment. We got yet another snowstorm earlier this week and its more snow then I've ever seen in my life in Arkansas. It honestly reminded me of being in Rexburg. But of course that only lasted one day and while there is still a lot of snow out there its bright and sunny outside right now and will continue to be for the rest of the weekend. Its only a matter of time before it all goes away.
As for me, thankfully my sickness is slowly going away as well which is good because I've been very worried about our big show tomorrow as is. My voice is almost back and my coughing has slowed down. I'm still not ready yet, but still have a day to prepare so we'll see what happens.
I'm living in a funk at the moment as I just had another one of those paralyzing dreams about an hour ago. I don't have them nearly as much anymore, but they still come in waves and it bothers me a whole lot. People say that they'll go away eventually but I dunno what eventually means. I'm assuming months and months and months from now or never. This time it was a text and I was about to send one back that said a very simple condensed how I feel now and felt good about it, knowing that it was going to be positive before I woke up. I always wonder in these dreams what the reaction would be, but I think I'll always wake up before them because my brain can't produce it. I know what I want to happen, but its not going to. The answer is always going to be blank.
As for me, thankfully my sickness is slowly going away as well which is good because I've been very worried about our big show tomorrow as is. My voice is almost back and my coughing has slowed down. I'm still not ready yet, but still have a day to prepare so we'll see what happens.
I'm living in a funk at the moment as I just had another one of those paralyzing dreams about an hour ago. I don't have them nearly as much anymore, but they still come in waves and it bothers me a whole lot. People say that they'll go away eventually but I dunno what eventually means. I'm assuming months and months and months from now or never. This time it was a text and I was about to send one back that said a very simple condensed how I feel now and felt good about it, knowing that it was going to be positive before I woke up. I always wonder in these dreams what the reaction would be, but I think I'll always wake up before them because my brain can't produce it. I know what I want to happen, but its not going to. The answer is always going to be blank.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Writer's Block
I spent the vast majority of yesterday and today recording really less than perfect versions of almost all the songs I've finished in the last month or so or at least am happy enough with to call them performable/sharable, whatever. I still have snippets of other songs and quite a few on the back-burner but I've been mesmorized by two in particular that I've been writing lately. One that was written by me last night and the other written by Ryan that I added words to. Both of them are similar in content and feel, while not musically but vocally, but I've hit a dead end on both of them. Its funny because I've had no problem writing these past few months as I've had plenty to write about, but suddenly poof. The stories of both of these songs have a similar feel and both progress to a point where I'm not sure where to go from there.
Maybe I should look at it more biographically? Like hey, that part is finished now and you haven't experienced nor know what you want next in life nor will your song be finished until then. I don't know, because I'm obviously not beyond point A yet but it just appears to me like hmmm I dunno. Maybe these two songs are just different or maybe I'm just distracted by something else. I've noticed myself become a little more distracted in the last few weeks and that's ok,even though I know I'm headed in the wrong direction that leads to no where. Not a bad thing, just a in this particular situation you can already see the end, which is what you always want, is it really worth a minute of feeling better? Maybe I'm just thinking too much. All I know is that I like these two new songs and can't wait to see how they turn out as I continue to polish them all.
In other news, I haven't been thinking about this weekend at all and that's probably a bad thing. I'm visualizing a panic attack here in a few days if I don't get memorizing the new stuff. But at least I know how this rocky slide goes and know how to deal with it.
Maybe I should look at it more biographically? Like hey, that part is finished now and you haven't experienced nor know what you want next in life nor will your song be finished until then. I don't know, because I'm obviously not beyond point A yet but it just appears to me like hmmm I dunno. Maybe these two songs are just different or maybe I'm just distracted by something else. I've noticed myself become a little more distracted in the last few weeks and that's ok,even though I know I'm headed in the wrong direction that leads to no where. Not a bad thing, just a in this particular situation you can already see the end, which is what you always want, is it really worth a minute of feeling better? Maybe I'm just thinking too much. All I know is that I like these two new songs and can't wait to see how they turn out as I continue to polish them all.
In other news, I haven't been thinking about this weekend at all and that's probably a bad thing. I'm visualizing a panic attack here in a few days if I don't get memorizing the new stuff. But at least I know how this rocky slide goes and know how to deal with it.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Long Overdue
I think I'm getting sick and that's no good. I did the neighborly friendly thing yesterday and ran some soup and medicine to a friend and hung around probably a bit too long yesterday and now I'm feeling a little under the weather but not completely so far, so we'll see what happens. Not a good combination: being sick and being depressed. Not at all. Throw a snow day on top of that where I think the roads will be iced over tonight if not right now and you can put a mash up of crappyness all together.
I think the worst part of being left behind is not just the feeling of being replaced but mostly the feeling of I don't really care about you anymore and you'll never see me ever again that is the worst part.
That and trying to replace old memories when I go to various places with new ones. February is just a crappy month to start with, March will be ok, April will be extremely hard and then I think it'll get better from there. It has to. It just has to.
I think the worst part of being left behind is not just the feeling of being replaced but mostly the feeling of I don't really care about you anymore and you'll never see me ever again that is the worst part.
That and trying to replace old memories when I go to various places with new ones. February is just a crappy month to start with, March will be ok, April will be extremely hard and then I think it'll get better from there. It has to. It just has to.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
welcome back
oh hey its been a minute since I had to constantly wipe my eyes every couple of hours, I really didn't miss it.
Full knowing there is someone else now causes that to be the focus of nightmares now oh goody. I'm so tired and fully knowing hey there really is no regret nor ill feelings and there never will be just makes it peachy keen. Not to mention the pit feeling in my stomach that I've always known but never wanted to accept, now its just painfully real, they're never coming back.
Full knowing there is someone else now causes that to be the focus of nightmares now oh goody. I'm so tired and fully knowing hey there really is no regret nor ill feelings and there never will be just makes it peachy keen. Not to mention the pit feeling in my stomach that I've always known but never wanted to accept, now its just painfully real, they're never coming back.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
1,000 Years
My favorite of the songs I wrote for PBnJ, but I'm still on the fence about peforming it next week. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback on it, but when I changed that last verse, the entire song gets super depressing and it won't really fit the tone of the evening. Thoughts? Suggestions? Maybe I could sing the original really happy ending it originally had?
Do you remember?
Back last December
I stood so nervously
I met you in a parking lot, I didn’t dare move from that spot
And I hugged you for what felt like a thousand years
Do you remember?
That day in the winter
I smiled so nervously
It was cold more than we could bear
And you looked in my eyes and I could see as far as an eternity
And you, you pulled the strings to my heart
And I, I let you we’d never be apart
Yes I remember
Way back late summer
I spoke so nervously
I got the courage and cleared my throat
And I sat on one knee for what felt like a thousand years
And you, you pulled the strings to my heart
And I, I let you we’d never be apart
But now it’s over
And I still remember
Waiting for you to call my name
But you won’t open, your voice anytime soon
And here I’ll sit and wait for you for a thousand years
Do you remember?
Back last December
I stood so nervously
I met you in a parking lot, I didn’t dare move from that spot
And I hugged you for what felt like a thousand years
Do you remember?
That day in the winter
I smiled so nervously
It was cold more than we could bear
And you looked in my eyes and I could see as far as an eternity
And you, you pulled the strings to my heart
And I, I let you we’d never be apart
Yes I remember
Way back late summer
I spoke so nervously
I got the courage and cleared my throat
And I sat on one knee for what felt like a thousand years
And you, you pulled the strings to my heart
And I, I let you we’d never be apart
But now it’s over
And I still remember
Waiting for you to call my name
But you won’t open, your voice anytime soon
And here I’ll sit and wait for you for a thousand years
PBnJ Lyric Dump
The Believer
Good morning, its nice to see you again
How long has it been? Far too long for me
I wish I could just pretend this isn’t the end
That our lives are still the same
I want you to stay
I want you to believe
The thoughts of yesterday
Slowly fade to gray
I’ll never change
The memories, bittersweet in my mind
They show a better life gone by
I know today is a new day full of change
Ill never be the same
I want you to stay
I want you to believe
The thoughts of yesterday
Slowly fade to gray
I’ll never change
I want you to stay
I need you to believe
And the battles we have fought together
Won’t ever fade away
Today is a new day, bright and gray
Have you forgotten what we’ve been through?
The promises we made may have been broken
But I’ll still hold them the same
I want you to stay
I need you to believe
The thoughts of yesterday
I hold up high today
Oh please wont you to stay
I choose to still believe
the battles we have fought together
were never fought in vain
I’ll always be the same
Excuses, Excuses
You wake up in the morning
Think it’s a brand new day
Nothing could go wrong now
Nothing stands in your way
You won’t see us coming
So you best start your running
You hear a knock at the door
Walk and smile now gleamin
Slowly pull it open
Bout to start the screamin
You wont see it comin
Too late to start runnin
Cuz we’re zombies….oooooo
Brains brains brains brains
Tasty little
Brains brains brains brains
Wanna eat yo
(silence)
Num num num
You start to hear the sirens
There’s nothing to be done
Don’t you start to panic
It ruins all our fun
You never saw it commin
On the tv its been running
Cities reduced to rubble
No more power to see
The horde is now growin
In small groups you now flee
No matter where you look now
We wont be far behind
Your group dwindles down to nothing
And we wont be so kind
The end of the world is coming
No more time for yo lovin
Now you see the situation
Why I won’t sit n cuddle
Time is now a waistin
Go ahead in this put your faith in
What I’ve said it is true
That’s why I won’t call you
The ExGirl Song
Ooo baby, you know I miss you (and)
Ooo baby, I just wanna kiss ya
And I love ya
But you, don’t know me
I just watch you on the bus
Don’t you, don’t you come near me
Because you, cuz you’re real stinky
And your breath its really nasty
And your face it is so greasy
Don’t you come near me, cuz I want to be alone
Ooo baby, I know you where you live (and)
Ooo baby, its cuz I followed you home
And I need ya
But you, you say don’t touch me
Your lips say no but your eyes say yes
Please, please listen to me
Because I, I wasn’t kidding
That you are, you’re really creepy
And I don’t, feel all that safe
Don’t you come near me or I will call the police
Ooo baby, please give me a chance (and)
Ooo baby, you could learn to love me
Cuz I want ya
But you, dunno what I want
Please I just wanna smell your hair
Leave me, leave me alone
What do I have to say to you
That will make you, understand me
Open your eyes, (n) I’ll tell you something
I do not love you, you just assumed that I did
I want you to know
How I feel on the inside not on the outside
I don’t want to hear
Anything that you will say, you’re much too creepy
When you…and me
I said back off!
I love you, I’ll not miss you
I’ll kiss you, I’ll kill you
Don’t you, don’t you come near me
Because you, cuz you’re real stinky
And your breath its really nasty
And your face it is so greasy
Don’t you come near me, cuz I want to be alone
Good morning, its nice to see you again
How long has it been? Far too long for me
I wish I could just pretend this isn’t the end
That our lives are still the same
I want you to stay
I want you to believe
The thoughts of yesterday
Slowly fade to gray
I’ll never change
The memories, bittersweet in my mind
They show a better life gone by
I know today is a new day full of change
Ill never be the same
I want you to stay
I want you to believe
The thoughts of yesterday
Slowly fade to gray
I’ll never change
I want you to stay
I need you to believe
And the battles we have fought together
Won’t ever fade away
Today is a new day, bright and gray
Have you forgotten what we’ve been through?
The promises we made may have been broken
But I’ll still hold them the same
I want you to stay
I need you to believe
The thoughts of yesterday
I hold up high today
Oh please wont you to stay
I choose to still believe
the battles we have fought together
were never fought in vain
I’ll always be the same
Excuses, Excuses
You wake up in the morning
Think it’s a brand new day
Nothing could go wrong now
Nothing stands in your way
You won’t see us coming
So you best start your running
You hear a knock at the door
Walk and smile now gleamin
Slowly pull it open
Bout to start the screamin
You wont see it comin
Too late to start runnin
Cuz we’re zombies….oooooo
Brains brains brains brains
Tasty little
Brains brains brains brains
Wanna eat yo
(silence)
Num num num
You start to hear the sirens
There’s nothing to be done
Don’t you start to panic
It ruins all our fun
You never saw it commin
On the tv its been running
Cities reduced to rubble
No more power to see
The horde is now growin
In small groups you now flee
No matter where you look now
We wont be far behind
Your group dwindles down to nothing
And we wont be so kind
The end of the world is coming
No more time for yo lovin
Now you see the situation
Why I won’t sit n cuddle
Time is now a waistin
Go ahead in this put your faith in
What I’ve said it is true
That’s why I won’t call you
The ExGirl Song
Ooo baby, you know I miss you (and)
Ooo baby, I just wanna kiss ya
And I love ya
But you, don’t know me
I just watch you on the bus
Don’t you, don’t you come near me
Because you, cuz you’re real stinky
And your breath its really nasty
And your face it is so greasy
Don’t you come near me, cuz I want to be alone
Ooo baby, I know you where you live (and)
Ooo baby, its cuz I followed you home
And I need ya
But you, you say don’t touch me
Your lips say no but your eyes say yes
Please, please listen to me
Because I, I wasn’t kidding
That you are, you’re really creepy
And I don’t, feel all that safe
Don’t you come near me or I will call the police
Ooo baby, please give me a chance (and)
Ooo baby, you could learn to love me
Cuz I want ya
But you, dunno what I want
Please I just wanna smell your hair
Leave me, leave me alone
What do I have to say to you
That will make you, understand me
Open your eyes, (n) I’ll tell you something
I do not love you, you just assumed that I did
I want you to know
How I feel on the inside not on the outside
I don’t want to hear
Anything that you will say, you’re much too creepy
When you…and me
I said back off!
I love you, I’ll not miss you
I’ll kiss you, I’ll kill you
Don’t you, don’t you come near me
Because you, cuz you’re real stinky
And your breath its really nasty
And your face it is so greasy
Don’t you come near me, cuz I want to be alone
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