An Inner Conflict

More of the same here, but if you don't like it well don't read it.

The question was posed to me at least more than once this weekend after learning about a few things that have gone on recently. I tried to not really think about it, but I couldn't help it and all day yesterday it was on my mind. When it was asked again last night I gave a more definitive answer, but after laying awake all night I guess that's not really the case anymore. I know myself a little too well and it made me think harder. What is it about what the heart wants that overpowers our senses so much more? Its the same reason I think anything happens in life. We use our brains to discover solutions to problems and overcome the obstacles that nine times out of ten the heart creates for us. The heart knows what it wants even if we don't.
I thought long and hard and my answer last night was mostly likely no. If someone asked me that anytime up till a few weeks ago or so I would have said yes immediately. Not being completely dive in head first, because obviously I would need to work a few things out in the middle and honestly be shown that I wouldn't be let down again. The feelings are still there, but the trust for the most part might not be. It kind of, no it really did break me almost completely. It shut everything down. I may know what I want, but like the child that touched the stove then got burned remembers to not touch the stove again until they know its safe. Its the same deal here.
But thinking about it so much last night made me think more of the time that was spent and the memories and everything that I had been trying to not think about and forget, even though my dreams never allow me to, it all just came flooding back. I try to stay away from where I will see and hear things, but I went back and took another look around like I used to. I pulled out the hard drive where all the pictures, chats, videos, and everything else were put away and just looked at it as a whole. Even the negative parts. All together. Specifically I read the list I was asked to make the day before of pros and cons of it all, the one that was never used. That list still holds far more pros than cons to me. Nothing as a deal breaker. Which brings me back to the original question. Now I'm not so sure. Other than the obvious let me think about this and let me be assured that it wouldn't again, I feel that I would. I don't particularly care the cost, I would. I know it would be twice as difficult as before and I probably wouldn't get the support from the people that mattered the most, too many things have been said and I don't really know where to look at from it all, but I still would. I guess I always would.

Will it ever happen? I doubt it. I'm still pretty positive I'm the only one who's ever looked back or felt hurt in the situation, but none the less if it did I would go back.