Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

I took a long look at myself in the mirror this morning after I got out of the shower, something I haven't done for a long while now. I noticed this morning that I am a stronger person today than I was yesterday and the day before. I am no longer that quivering mass of flesh and bones that cannot function from day to day, although there are days when that person returns and leaves me on the floor for a few hours. But for the most part I can carry on my day to day life again. My mind is constantly running and thinking and remembering and feeling and regretting, but at least I can still get up and walk around instead of being paralyzed in my own home. These days still occur tho.
The tears don't come nearly as much anymore, they still happen often but not as much and when they do its never good and they last awhile. The dreams don't come as often anymore either, but again they still do and they are still crippling. But I'm managing. I'm not ok, just managing. I still don't hold a grudge and I still don't hold any contempt and I still feel the same way I have felt for the last two years and that's not ever going to change on my end, even if it already has on the other.
But today I'm still walking and still making myself get up, even if its at a crawl from time to time.
I'm a hopeful person, I always have been. Its been one of my strengths that has pushed me through most of my life, that great hope in living and making things work out. It has been one of my weaknesses at this time as hope combined with heartbreak makes an enemy out of you. But, somewhere inside there is still hope, even if its very tiny and not likely. Hope knows no difference. I kept myself from doing something really stupid last night that wasn't a well thought out decision or at least I thought it wasn't, which is why I didn't do it. I'm still tempted to do so, but I know what will be the result of which. The post I have already written that will go up tomorrow might spell a different story, but its still true. I may not be unable to function anymore and I may be moving at a snails pace, but that hope still lays in wait deep inside probably to never surface ever again, but its there. Where it always will be.