I've got my list of things to do in the upcoming months to make things happen how I'd like and now its just a matter of taking a deep breath and trying to make them happen. Here's to making the best of a shitty situation huh? And making those realizations reality that you didn't really want to but can't do anything about.
I started the first tiny steps the other day and a couple other ones today. Lets just see if I can get on track. Hopefully by this summer I'll start to see the fruits of it all.
Secret much? Sure, but I just don't want to talk about it all yet until I make up my mind.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Enough Is Enough
I'm not exactly the poster child of good health, but I've always been pretty healthy. I'm usually full of energy to a point and don't have a problem getting up nor moving around, but my weight is an issue I've had for years. Just like a lot of people my weight is closely tied to my emotional position, but unlike most people I don't just eat I do the opposite.
Usually its pretty manageable and while at the moment I don't feel puny weak nor incapable of accomplishing things like I have in the past I made a frightening discovery when I happened to step on the scale today. Way below even my normal for when I get like this. I figured that it would be like this for awhile, as it always is when I get depressed so it all just fluctuates for awhile then eventually gets back to normal. Maybe its been the fluctuation of feeling alright then not alright for the last month or so that's done it, or maybe I should factor in that I was pretty sick last week, but still I don't like it. I know I'm capable of getting up to a comfortable weight as I've done it a few times in my life where I was at and felt better. Not to mention I didn't look like a cancer patient all the time either. So.....its time to really plan out something and start eating. A lot. Wish me luck. Today is 121 and thats not where I'd like to be. Even my low the last few years has been 128 or higher. I'm thinking upto 135 or 140 is where I want to be. Suggestions?
Usually its pretty manageable and while at the moment I don't feel puny weak nor incapable of accomplishing things like I have in the past I made a frightening discovery when I happened to step on the scale today. Way below even my normal for when I get like this. I figured that it would be like this for awhile, as it always is when I get depressed so it all just fluctuates for awhile then eventually gets back to normal. Maybe its been the fluctuation of feeling alright then not alright for the last month or so that's done it, or maybe I should factor in that I was pretty sick last week, but still I don't like it. I know I'm capable of getting up to a comfortable weight as I've done it a few times in my life where I was at and felt better. Not to mention I didn't look like a cancer patient all the time either. So.....its time to really plan out something and start eating. A lot. Wish me luck. Today is 121 and thats not where I'd like to be. Even my low the last few years has been 128 or higher. I'm thinking upto 135 or 140 is where I want to be. Suggestions?
Monday, March 28, 2011
Late Night Fiddle Faddle
I'm amazed at how much of a cycle I'm in at the moment. Lately I've managed to distance myself from just about everybody in my life it seems like because I just don't feel like talking to people. There are very few people I seem to hang out with anymore and that's ok I guess, seeing that a majority of the rest of the people I know are busy enough with their own lives that me not popping up as much really affects it too much. But other than that I seem to follow the same patter day in day out kind of in a daze here and there. I wake up, go to work, come home, eat, sometimes take a nap, then its either play the guitar or sit on the computer a majority of the rest of the day while working at a snails pace on little projects then back to bed. My though process is about the same too. It cycles around thinking of musical projects, what I aspire to do with my time and how to pull myself out of this funk, but ultimately back to memories that seem to cycle it all around again. This is the same story I've been telling for months now, but hey if you don't like it don't read it. This is me just saying whats on my mind. I'm not really sure who the consistent five or so people are who read this thing, but yeah. Its not an attention thing, I'm just too lazy to write in my journal anymore so things go here. Believe you me I've got a lot more personal things to say, but they sure aren't going up here.
Anyway, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine today about a similar situation she has found herself in recently and we compared notes so to speak. Its always funny how easy it is to dispense advice that you know is helpful and can help you get back up again when its not you. Irony is always that its the same exact things that people tell you on a daily basis, but you don't seem to listen. Is it because you don't feel that it'll help? Or you don't want it to help? Maybe we all just like to feel down every once in awhile. Maybe we just want the attention? I dunno about you, but its not the last one for me, but maybe I just like it a little perhaps? Well maybe not like it, but they say misery loves company right? Anyone who gets depressed tends to stay a bit longer than necessary on occasion and beat themselves up probably a little too much. I know that's where I'm at right now. Part of me wonders what I hope to accomplish for that too. Or do I even think about it? There's that cycle again. Everyday its a mix of I'm a piece of crap who deserves what I get to well maybe things aren't totally my fault, back to a middle ground of just not wanting to think about it. I just really wish I had something else to think about instead of what I've been thinking about for way too long now. Oh well, I'm sure with my little stunt last week had cemented any hopes of ever fixing anything just deep deep down and far away. If she didn't hate me before she probably does now. Get over it Robert.
But back to that conversation I had with my friend. I thought about how time just cycles things around. In the course of two years time a lot of things can change. I can look at my own life in little two year chunks for example. 2003-2005 I went through a world of changes in Mexico. 2005-2007 there was all that confusion and mix up coming back from Mexico, mishaps with Amanda, dropping out of school and finally at the tail end figuring things out. 2007-2008ish (not so much two years but whatever) the whole Paula situation, making serious mistakes, fixing them, then getting back on track,2009-present everything to do with Virginia.
All of those little brackets start in one place and end up back in the same place. I start out either ok and happy with things, then they get better, then worse, then better, then horrible and end, then climb back up. Or maybe they started in crappy place and came back around to great, then ultimately back to crap again. I've got to stop categorizing my life in little groups, chapters, books, and what have you. I've always done it tho and can't seem to stop myself. Whats scary about right now tho is the uncertainty of well... anything. This is literally the first time that there is nothing ahead at the moment. In times past there was always something on the horizon whether it be school or well...pretty much school. Other times it was a plan or an event or something but right now nothing. The only definite thing I have to do for the next few years is earn money to pay back my loans. There is nowhere I have to be and nobody I have to be with. Its a little scary.
This is where goals come in handy, but sadly I have none at the moment. Well thats not true, I made a huge list the other day of things I wish to accomplish this year and it all started with that message I got next week. I don't know if I should say thank you or just bow down in continued shame because of the realization I had but well I don't know. I just know I have a lot of work to do and without a reason behind it I'm not sure how fast that's going to go until I find one.
Anyway, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine today about a similar situation she has found herself in recently and we compared notes so to speak. Its always funny how easy it is to dispense advice that you know is helpful and can help you get back up again when its not you. Irony is always that its the same exact things that people tell you on a daily basis, but you don't seem to listen. Is it because you don't feel that it'll help? Or you don't want it to help? Maybe we all just like to feel down every once in awhile. Maybe we just want the attention? I dunno about you, but its not the last one for me, but maybe I just like it a little perhaps? Well maybe not like it, but they say misery loves company right? Anyone who gets depressed tends to stay a bit longer than necessary on occasion and beat themselves up probably a little too much. I know that's where I'm at right now. Part of me wonders what I hope to accomplish for that too. Or do I even think about it? There's that cycle again. Everyday its a mix of I'm a piece of crap who deserves what I get to well maybe things aren't totally my fault, back to a middle ground of just not wanting to think about it. I just really wish I had something else to think about instead of what I've been thinking about for way too long now. Oh well, I'm sure with my little stunt last week had cemented any hopes of ever fixing anything just deep deep down and far away. If she didn't hate me before she probably does now. Get over it Robert.
But back to that conversation I had with my friend. I thought about how time just cycles things around. In the course of two years time a lot of things can change. I can look at my own life in little two year chunks for example. 2003-2005 I went through a world of changes in Mexico. 2005-2007 there was all that confusion and mix up coming back from Mexico, mishaps with Amanda, dropping out of school and finally at the tail end figuring things out. 2007-2008ish (not so much two years but whatever) the whole Paula situation, making serious mistakes, fixing them, then getting back on track,2009-present everything to do with Virginia.
All of those little brackets start in one place and end up back in the same place. I start out either ok and happy with things, then they get better, then worse, then better, then horrible and end, then climb back up. Or maybe they started in crappy place and came back around to great, then ultimately back to crap again. I've got to stop categorizing my life in little groups, chapters, books, and what have you. I've always done it tho and can't seem to stop myself. Whats scary about right now tho is the uncertainty of well... anything. This is literally the first time that there is nothing ahead at the moment. In times past there was always something on the horizon whether it be school or well...pretty much school. Other times it was a plan or an event or something but right now nothing. The only definite thing I have to do for the next few years is earn money to pay back my loans. There is nowhere I have to be and nobody I have to be with. Its a little scary.
This is where goals come in handy, but sadly I have none at the moment. Well thats not true, I made a huge list the other day of things I wish to accomplish this year and it all started with that message I got next week. I don't know if I should say thank you or just bow down in continued shame because of the realization I had but well I don't know. I just know I have a lot of work to do and without a reason behind it I'm not sure how fast that's going to go until I find one.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Maybe Its Time To Change
After mulling on it over the past week I think I've made some decisions about my life that I'm going to change/fix/keep the same/do better/not care about etc. I'm still wondering what my real intentions are for. I've been in a slump for the better part of a year now since school ended and maybe this is the push I was needing. Probably not, but it sure doesn't hurt.
The crappy/hard thing about it all is the initial motivation for it will not get the result of what I want, yet will still yield very good results irregardless. So how does one change your desires to not get dissapointed when one good thing comes along even if the other good thing you wanted is not going to happen? Confused yet? Me too. : /
The crappy/hard thing about it all is the initial motivation for it will not get the result of what I want, yet will still yield very good results irregardless. So how does one change your desires to not get dissapointed when one good thing comes along even if the other good thing you wanted is not going to happen? Confused yet? Me too. : /
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I Googled Your Name Last Night, How Can I Be of Assistence?
So I was told the other day that I was being a stalker and not in that playful hey you're stalking me kind of way that sometimes friends joke about. But a legitimate you're creeping me out, knock it off. I'm not really here to dispute that because honestly in a way I've been doing just that and as I was told to back off I have, but it raises a point that I've been thinking about.
Doesn't everybody do it?
Especially in these days where we don't really have to try very hard to come up with nearly everything about anybody and everybody when its all posted online. Anything we write, mention, or scribble down in our blogs, facebook, twitter, any social media platform ends up on the internet forever. You might delete your post or whatever but that doesn't mean somebody didn't see it, or that its not saved into some database by the system forever and ever. That's a whole other blog all together tho. We all do that as well but thats not what I was thinking about.
What I did start to think about is like I said, everybody does it. We do it to bands we get into. We look up any and all information we can get our hands on because we want to know. We do it when we like somebody and want to get to know them better. The only thing missing from the equation is if that person equally wants to get to know you. Then its no longer stalking its affectionate. If you have a job where you're going to have a client of some sort you research them thoroughly. If you hire somebody for a position for a job you look up anything you can that is online about them. We're all a little stalker-ish from time to time.
I'm not disputing that yeah I was, but it just made me think of where the line is drawn these days. What if you're dating somebody and then you break up? You go from being "affectionate" to stalker about instantly when one party doesn't want anything to do with you anymore and would like that you don't either. Its a fickle system if you ask me. But oh well. I guess I'm just a creeper, sorry.
Doesn't everybody do it?
Especially in these days where we don't really have to try very hard to come up with nearly everything about anybody and everybody when its all posted online. Anything we write, mention, or scribble down in our blogs, facebook, twitter, any social media platform ends up on the internet forever. You might delete your post or whatever but that doesn't mean somebody didn't see it, or that its not saved into some database by the system forever and ever. That's a whole other blog all together tho. We all do that as well but thats not what I was thinking about.
What I did start to think about is like I said, everybody does it. We do it to bands we get into. We look up any and all information we can get our hands on because we want to know. We do it when we like somebody and want to get to know them better. The only thing missing from the equation is if that person equally wants to get to know you. Then its no longer stalking its affectionate. If you have a job where you're going to have a client of some sort you research them thoroughly. If you hire somebody for a position for a job you look up anything you can that is online about them. We're all a little stalker-ish from time to time.
I'm not disputing that yeah I was, but it just made me think of where the line is drawn these days. What if you're dating somebody and then you break up? You go from being "affectionate" to stalker about instantly when one party doesn't want anything to do with you anymore and would like that you don't either. Its a fickle system if you ask me. But oh well. I guess I'm just a creeper, sorry.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Tonight Tonight
Sleep is far from my mind at the moment, even though my body demands it. So in short, tonight was epically what I needed and then some. What I may not have in a close personal relationship that I have longed for ever since I lost it, I was reminded tonight of the close personal relationships I hold with so many people who showed me whats what tonight.
We came, we rocked, we danced our little asses off and it paid off. People were VERY impressed and VERY happy about what we did.
But for me, I feel ok. Things are looking up.
We came, we rocked, we danced our little asses off and it paid off. People were VERY impressed and VERY happy about what we did.
But for me, I feel ok. Things are looking up.
Friday, March 18, 2011
This One Is For Me
I'm very tired at the moment and its been a long day. It was full of thinking, doing, moving, shaking, and more thinking. Tonight, while most likely not a life changing night, is about to become a life changing night for me.
Something may or may not happen in relation to this label and the band, whatever.
We're going to play a good show for lots of people and either do well or badly, whatever.
But I personally am going to take something away from tonight.
The past 4 months have been awful and even the few months before that were no picnic. In fact, ever since I graduated its been a downward spiral for me. One that to me personally spells failure. Before anyone says anything or gives that old saying "but Robert you aren't a failure, you're just having a hard time" I don't care. I can be told lots of things, but on the inside whether I am or not, I FEEL like a failure.
I wandered around in life forever and ever, but finally did get a degree last July. That's great, but what am I doing with it? Nothing. I attempted to get a job in lots of places and didn't come up with shit. I tried to find at least something to sustain myself and hopefully put things together during my engagement so that I could at very least support us for awhile till we figured something out. That failed. The very relationship with my fiance itself fell apart. Sure it was her decision and it came out of nowhere, but that doesn't mean that inheritanly there wasn't something that was going on at some point that was in my control that made her not want to be with me anymore. It could have been the relationship, the engagement, the stress, whatever. But in the end it came down to the decision of keep at it or drop me and thats what happened. So fail on my part. From there I gave up trying to do anything. I worked/work crap jobs for minimum wage because I can't pull myself together. I've laid awake at night, often full of tears, and can't seem to put myself into social situations for very long. My life at the moment = big amounts of fail.
That's not to say there haven't been good things or better things happening. Or that I'm not getting any better, but that's not the point I'm trying to make. The point is, that I FEEL like a failure. I've FELT like a failure. And I'm damn well sick of it. Tonight is for me. We've played a few shows before and yes I feel good after them and everything, but it doesn't stop me from going back to my shit life the next day on my own. Tonight I have something to prove and if nothing else it will be something I prove to myself and on the inside and it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. This is my life and as much as I don't like it, its mine and I have to fix it.
I'm going to do the best I can for myself tonight. I'm going to give it my all and leave no regrets. I'm going to prove to myself that I'm worth something. That at least some people out there like me for me. That I have talents. That I can accomplish something. I am creative. I am strong. I have real true friends. I have created something that people legitimately enjoy. I'm ok with me and just being me. I may miss her so very badly and still love her with all my heart, but I don't hold any content nor ill feelings towards her no matter what anybody else says. I will stand up and say this is me and if you don't like it kiss my ass world: I am not a failure. Its not over yet. I will not continue to be ignored.
I don't know how that's going to be accomplished, nor do I feel that tomorrow I'm going to wake up and be just fine, but I need this. I need a win and I need something, anything to keep me going because I just can't take this feeling anymore. I'm not a failure and I'm not done yet.
Something may or may not happen in relation to this label and the band, whatever.
We're going to play a good show for lots of people and either do well or badly, whatever.
But I personally am going to take something away from tonight.
The past 4 months have been awful and even the few months before that were no picnic. In fact, ever since I graduated its been a downward spiral for me. One that to me personally spells failure. Before anyone says anything or gives that old saying "but Robert you aren't a failure, you're just having a hard time" I don't care. I can be told lots of things, but on the inside whether I am or not, I FEEL like a failure.
I wandered around in life forever and ever, but finally did get a degree last July. That's great, but what am I doing with it? Nothing. I attempted to get a job in lots of places and didn't come up with shit. I tried to find at least something to sustain myself and hopefully put things together during my engagement so that I could at very least support us for awhile till we figured something out. That failed. The very relationship with my fiance itself fell apart. Sure it was her decision and it came out of nowhere, but that doesn't mean that inheritanly there wasn't something that was going on at some point that was in my control that made her not want to be with me anymore. It could have been the relationship, the engagement, the stress, whatever. But in the end it came down to the decision of keep at it or drop me and thats what happened. So fail on my part. From there I gave up trying to do anything. I worked/work crap jobs for minimum wage because I can't pull myself together. I've laid awake at night, often full of tears, and can't seem to put myself into social situations for very long. My life at the moment = big amounts of fail.
That's not to say there haven't been good things or better things happening. Or that I'm not getting any better, but that's not the point I'm trying to make. The point is, that I FEEL like a failure. I've FELT like a failure. And I'm damn well sick of it. Tonight is for me. We've played a few shows before and yes I feel good after them and everything, but it doesn't stop me from going back to my shit life the next day on my own. Tonight I have something to prove and if nothing else it will be something I prove to myself and on the inside and it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. This is my life and as much as I don't like it, its mine and I have to fix it.
I'm going to do the best I can for myself tonight. I'm going to give it my all and leave no regrets. I'm going to prove to myself that I'm worth something. That at least some people out there like me for me. That I have talents. That I can accomplish something. I am creative. I am strong. I have real true friends. I have created something that people legitimately enjoy. I'm ok with me and just being me. I may miss her so very badly and still love her with all my heart, but I don't hold any content nor ill feelings towards her no matter what anybody else says. I will stand up and say this is me and if you don't like it kiss my ass world: I am not a failure. Its not over yet. I will not continue to be ignored.
I don't know how that's going to be accomplished, nor do I feel that tomorrow I'm going to wake up and be just fine, but I need this. I need a win and I need something, anything to keep me going because I just can't take this feeling anymore. I'm not a failure and I'm not done yet.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Upcoming
Today
-Off for 2 days starting now
-Quick band practice in a few hours to get our set down
-Drive to LR to hand over ticket/money/receive our passes
-Hang out with Jay Nasty for the rest of the evening and enjoy his wit and wisdom.
-Plot with him about going to Texas.
Tomorrow
-sleep sleep sleep
-get press kit together
-load up equipment
-make ass of myself in front of hundreds of people
-make ass of myself for record label president
-cross fingers that they like us and give me a job or something
-make ass of myself trying to hit on anybody who will give me the time of day (that one probably won't happen, but hey I could try right? yeah... not really)
-Off for 2 days starting now
-Quick band practice in a few hours to get our set down
-Drive to LR to hand over ticket/money/receive our passes
-Hang out with Jay Nasty for the rest of the evening and enjoy his wit and wisdom.
-Plot with him about going to Texas.
Tomorrow
-sleep sleep sleep
-get press kit together
-load up equipment
-make ass of myself in front of hundreds of people
-make ass of myself for record label president
-cross fingers that they like us and give me a job or something
-make ass of myself trying to hit on anybody who will give me the time of day (that one probably won't happen, but hey I could try right? yeah... not really)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Phonecalls of destiny? Perhaps.
I just got off the phone with another rep from Rotten Records a few minutes ago and she seemed very interested in what we're doing and seems very excited to see our set on Friday. Now that could be what she says to everybody, but the fact that she said "I was looking at your name and watching a video of you guys and spit out my food because I was laughing so hard" is a pretty good sign I think. Who knows. Again, trying not to get myself overly excited or get my hopes up, which seems to be my feelings of just about every aspect of my life these days, but I do think things are going to go well on Friday. If nothing else we do have a rather large amount of people who are actually coming to the show. Not just the usual hey I'm gonna show up kind of thing, but people buying tickets and talking to me about it. So, good news I rekken.
In other news, its spring here now and its beautiful. That is easing my stress a bit and that's great. Its exactly what I need right now to get my mind off the coming weeks and everything thats going to go well about them, and the things that are going to go bad about them. Thats my life tho.
In other news, its spring here now and its beautiful. That is easing my stress a bit and that's great. Its exactly what I need right now to get my mind off the coming weeks and everything thats going to go well about them, and the things that are going to go bad about them. Thats my life tho.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
This Time
This week should feel more important than it is but I don't know why it doesn't. Maybe that hope and faith in succeeding in things really isn't where it ought to be anymore. I'm still learning to what extent how badly I was shaken back in November as it still creeps up from time to time to remind me that "hey, while you can semi-function on a day to day basis now, you're still not there and who knows when you will be. haha" What a jerk of an emotion.
I stopped dreaming about it a few weeks ago, but they came back a few days ago so yeah.. semi-progress? I don't know. Nerves mostly is what is going on. I don't know what I'm doing with my life still and as I'm coming out of the haze of realizing that any last hope I might have for anything ever getting fixed is diminishing, I see that nothing really satisfies as it should. Maybe that's why I jumped back on the T3 train as soon as things fell apart. It's been that crutch that I've needed to get through the hard times I've had over the last 3 years. And man, the last 3 years have been way too tough, yet I'm still here. I guess that says something. This time is different and honestly for the first time I don't know whats next nor do I have any indication of what to do. I just kind of exist at the moment and I have a feeling its going to keep going for awhile.
The first step of keeping busy and filling my days with things to not think so much are done, now I need to fill them with something worthwhile. The problem is, nothing feels worthwhile anymore so I guess that's where I have to go from here. But back to this week. Whereas I used to hold high hopes for these kinds of things, I guess lately its more along the lines of its just not going to happen. I can dream though can't I? Even though that's not specifically the dream I'd rather have come true if I had to choose.
I stopped dreaming about it a few weeks ago, but they came back a few days ago so yeah.. semi-progress? I don't know. Nerves mostly is what is going on. I don't know what I'm doing with my life still and as I'm coming out of the haze of realizing that any last hope I might have for anything ever getting fixed is diminishing, I see that nothing really satisfies as it should. Maybe that's why I jumped back on the T3 train as soon as things fell apart. It's been that crutch that I've needed to get through the hard times I've had over the last 3 years. And man, the last 3 years have been way too tough, yet I'm still here. I guess that says something. This time is different and honestly for the first time I don't know whats next nor do I have any indication of what to do. I just kind of exist at the moment and I have a feeling its going to keep going for awhile.
The first step of keeping busy and filling my days with things to not think so much are done, now I need to fill them with something worthwhile. The problem is, nothing feels worthwhile anymore so I guess that's where I have to go from here. But back to this week. Whereas I used to hold high hopes for these kinds of things, I guess lately its more along the lines of its just not going to happen. I can dream though can't I? Even though that's not specifically the dream I'd rather have come true if I had to choose.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
All of Me
Sundays are seriously the worst day ever for me. I'm actually glad that I've been working most of them so I don't spend time laying around like I did today. Sundays were always the best, the most relaxing, and the most time spent around one another. Oh well. Sundays are hard now.
What else is hard today is my palms and my forearms and I'm not sure why, they just hurt a lot. Yesterday I spent a little bit of time helping my mom in the yard, yanking up a few of these awful sticker plants so that might explain the forearms. Then today I made 40+ angel food cakes and in order to get them out of the pan you have to tip them upside down and grip it real tight as you bang it on the counter. (That's what she said). Doing this really hard over and over for a lengthy period of time makes you sore and tired after awhile. (Again that's what she said. Yeah.... :/ )
In other news, only 5 days till the big showcase show and I hope it goes well. We might also play at toad suck daze this year. That would be interesting as well as a good time if it works out. This week is going to be a mess I can already feel it. It doesn't help that I've already started it on the mope train.
What else is hard today is my palms and my forearms and I'm not sure why, they just hurt a lot. Yesterday I spent a little bit of time helping my mom in the yard, yanking up a few of these awful sticker plants so that might explain the forearms. Then today I made 40+ angel food cakes and in order to get them out of the pan you have to tip them upside down and grip it real tight as you bang it on the counter. (That's what she said). Doing this really hard over and over for a lengthy period of time makes you sore and tired after awhile. (Again that's what she said. Yeah.... :/ )
In other news, only 5 days till the big showcase show and I hope it goes well. We might also play at toad suck daze this year. That would be interesting as well as a good time if it works out. This week is going to be a mess I can already feel it. It doesn't help that I've already started it on the mope train.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Same old, same old
Some days I just feel trapped in a life that I don't recognize as my own. It's funny how you think about how life is "supposed" to go or even how you'd like it to go, then when it takes off in a completely different direction you sort of fall asleep at the wheel after awhile, then you wake up one day and say "what the hell am I doing and where am I?". That was me this week. The shock value of the last few months is gone, the inability to do anything is gone as are most of the problems with it, gone and done. In its place are the occasional memory, reminder, the empty feeling a bit and all that jazz. I make it sound like I'm dying on a daily basis in this blog true, I'm really not. I can and do function on a day to day basis. Sure I still wish it would revert back to before and I still wish I could fix things because you know, the heart blah blah blah.
But lately I've been thinking about where I am now. I'm finally in a schedule of sorts, a route-en if you will. I work, I play music, I lay around, sleep, eat, repeat. Music is starting to loose its luster a little bit, not from desire, but from the non filling portion. Its job of distracting me did its part and it no longer really has the need to distract me anymore. Now I need something to fill that space. Music can do it and I still am heavily involved in it, but I'm no longer clinging to it like a pillow in the middle of the night. I like my job, I really do, but at the same time I hate it and everything it represents.
I think I'm at that point finally of saying, ok starting to get back up on my feet and steady now. Take a few steps and while wobbly I'm not falling on my ass again. I don't want to sit on my ass in my current position, I think I'm getting to the point of starting to take steps forward and I'm about to do just that. After next weeks show and the inevitable nothing going to come out of it most likely, I'll start doing serious job hunting for the first time since November, only centralize it to Arkansas for another few months. Then if nothing comes up by lets say June or so, expand to anywhere. I want to do something with my life, but I'm still not comfortable leaving where I'm located yet. I don't know how well I'd do away from this safety net at the moment, especially with the complete lack of savings. But maybe by then I'll have stood up straight enough to be able to. Who knows.
In the meantime I'm going to focus on not falling asleep at work and doing the best damn show I can muster next week and just cross my fingers. Because honestly, if I could choose to play music for the rest of my life that's a no brainier. Get paid to dance and sing stupid songs? Yes please. I'm not putting my hopes and dreams on it, but hey the opportunity is actually there in reality next Friday and dammit, I'm going to give it a shot. Wish me luck.
But lately I've been thinking about where I am now. I'm finally in a schedule of sorts, a route-en if you will. I work, I play music, I lay around, sleep, eat, repeat. Music is starting to loose its luster a little bit, not from desire, but from the non filling portion. Its job of distracting me did its part and it no longer really has the need to distract me anymore. Now I need something to fill that space. Music can do it and I still am heavily involved in it, but I'm no longer clinging to it like a pillow in the middle of the night. I like my job, I really do, but at the same time I hate it and everything it represents.
I think I'm at that point finally of saying, ok starting to get back up on my feet and steady now. Take a few steps and while wobbly I'm not falling on my ass again. I don't want to sit on my ass in my current position, I think I'm getting to the point of starting to take steps forward and I'm about to do just that. After next weeks show and the inevitable nothing going to come out of it most likely, I'll start doing serious job hunting for the first time since November, only centralize it to Arkansas for another few months. Then if nothing comes up by lets say June or so, expand to anywhere. I want to do something with my life, but I'm still not comfortable leaving where I'm located yet. I don't know how well I'd do away from this safety net at the moment, especially with the complete lack of savings. But maybe by then I'll have stood up straight enough to be able to. Who knows.
In the meantime I'm going to focus on not falling asleep at work and doing the best damn show I can muster next week and just cross my fingers. Because honestly, if I could choose to play music for the rest of my life that's a no brainier. Get paid to dance and sing stupid songs? Yes please. I'm not putting my hopes and dreams on it, but hey the opportunity is actually there in reality next Friday and dammit, I'm going to give it a shot. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
A Sense of Timing
To make things easier to organize in my life I've always seemed to group certain experiences and instances together based on whatever reasoning I find important at the time. Being a big believer 'everything happens for a reason' is a massive supporter of this little jaunt. Although that personal belief has really been shaken to the core in the last few months, I guess although weaker at the moment, I still believe it to be true. But mostly what I've been interested in reflecting on lately is a sense of timing.
I don't believe in luck nor dumb luck or any kind of luck at all. I also don't believe in coincidences, although it is pretty close to what happens I think. In the last ten years or so I can connect things that I've experienced in my life like a chain of events and memories that all seem to lead together to an inevitable end of some sort where things culminate into something great or fizzle out, or rather they never end I suppose. They just drop most of the details and linger on just a bit into another occurrence as if just to push it along a little further.
A few events in particular I look at for example seem to have merged together to create a sense of good timing that is all together weird to me that honestly I believed that chain had ended, but apparently it still goes on.
For example: I formed T3 in early 2007 and it intertwined through my life over the past few years and served not only as a boost of confidence, a way of making a lot of new friends, but to help support me through difficult times. Its been that anchor and rock that has helped me keep my sanity over the last 4 years. Even if nothing more grows from it than already has, to me on a personal level its been that steady constant in my life that I can always depend on. That one tiny thing that I can always control even if I can't control my life around it. In late 2007 I started into a pretty serious relationship that blossomed and grew along the same lines and time that T3 did. Then when it ended and other things happened T3 just happened to pick up when the other fell through and cushioned the fall. Those events from that relationship helped T3 grow and while I grew from that and made it get better, timing dictated I went back to school even though I swore that I never would. There's more to this, but I'm not about details right now, just trust me it makes sense to me.
Back up at school it was mentioning T3 at the right time and place that happened to land into the next step of my life and a much more important one, where T3 then took a backseat. Then when I made dumb decisions and the important role fell back, T3 stepped in and grew some more taking me along with it, helping me to realize a lot of things I should have all along, then thankfully switched positions again by the end of the year. Then again when things fizzled out in such an abrupt position, even though I had pretty much laid T3 to rest completely or was just about to more being said, it was there to cushion me once again.
Now that I'm reading this here its less of timing and more like what has been a back and forth sort of events, but the timing thing can't really be described without the extra details that I don't wish to talk about. But the important thing is, timing is everything. Timing made all of these good things happen over the last few years even when things like that should not have happened ever, in about every case. My life seems to be a series of good timing, not luck, but timing. Everything has happened to fall into place at the very last second making the chain of events seem to just fit like they were always meant to be. What I'm discovering now is that where I thought that story, that chain was ending, apparently was not and while its not the story path I would have chosen it goes on and just like the occasional movie that I think I had figured out but was wrong, I was wrong here and can only imagine what will happen in the future.
Timing at the moment seems impossible as there are so many things against it in one category, yet seeming like they might be about to fall into place for another. Can you guess which one? I sure can't and its really bugging me to be honest.
I don't believe in luck nor dumb luck or any kind of luck at all. I also don't believe in coincidences, although it is pretty close to what happens I think. In the last ten years or so I can connect things that I've experienced in my life like a chain of events and memories that all seem to lead together to an inevitable end of some sort where things culminate into something great or fizzle out, or rather they never end I suppose. They just drop most of the details and linger on just a bit into another occurrence as if just to push it along a little further.
A few events in particular I look at for example seem to have merged together to create a sense of good timing that is all together weird to me that honestly I believed that chain had ended, but apparently it still goes on.
For example: I formed T3 in early 2007 and it intertwined through my life over the past few years and served not only as a boost of confidence, a way of making a lot of new friends, but to help support me through difficult times. Its been that anchor and rock that has helped me keep my sanity over the last 4 years. Even if nothing more grows from it than already has, to me on a personal level its been that steady constant in my life that I can always depend on. That one tiny thing that I can always control even if I can't control my life around it. In late 2007 I started into a pretty serious relationship that blossomed and grew along the same lines and time that T3 did. Then when it ended and other things happened T3 just happened to pick up when the other fell through and cushioned the fall. Those events from that relationship helped T3 grow and while I grew from that and made it get better, timing dictated I went back to school even though I swore that I never would. There's more to this, but I'm not about details right now, just trust me it makes sense to me.
Back up at school it was mentioning T3 at the right time and place that happened to land into the next step of my life and a much more important one, where T3 then took a backseat. Then when I made dumb decisions and the important role fell back, T3 stepped in and grew some more taking me along with it, helping me to realize a lot of things I should have all along, then thankfully switched positions again by the end of the year. Then again when things fizzled out in such an abrupt position, even though I had pretty much laid T3 to rest completely or was just about to more being said, it was there to cushion me once again.
Now that I'm reading this here its less of timing and more like what has been a back and forth sort of events, but the timing thing can't really be described without the extra details that I don't wish to talk about. But the important thing is, timing is everything. Timing made all of these good things happen over the last few years even when things like that should not have happened ever, in about every case. My life seems to be a series of good timing, not luck, but timing. Everything has happened to fall into place at the very last second making the chain of events seem to just fit like they were always meant to be. What I'm discovering now is that where I thought that story, that chain was ending, apparently was not and while its not the story path I would have chosen it goes on and just like the occasional movie that I think I had figured out but was wrong, I was wrong here and can only imagine what will happen in the future.
Timing at the moment seems impossible as there are so many things against it in one category, yet seeming like they might be about to fall into place for another. Can you guess which one? I sure can't and its really bugging me to be honest.
The Inspiration That Looms
Its only after a pretty sleepless night that I think of things like this apparently.
It's been a songwriting miracle as of late and I've been on fire. Ever since I got that new guitar, or possibly right before it, I started writing music like crazy both lyrically and musically. I've noticed that there are two kinds of writing that I do in life: the extremely goofy and funny and the mildly depressing take a look at my life kind of deal. I don't know at what point it happened but I was inspired enough in October or late November that I hopped back on that goofy train and haven't gotten off yet, despite all the difficult things I was/pretty much still am going through. Maybe its my defense mechanism, in fact I'm pretty sure it is, but I've gotten a lot of good songs out of it, some of which we've used, others we're going to, and the like. Then because of everything that happened it inspired a whole slew of other songs, ones just for me really. Those are the a little sad, a little inspiring, semi hopeful, semi regretful songs that have mostly littered my little side project.
That's where the filter comes in and a lot of those will never see the light of day to anybody but me, because like in any situation when you are extremely controlled by your emotions a lot of what you write is just crap. Maybe its because I'm still slightly in the moment but I don't feel that much of it is, and maybe its not or maybe I'm just still in the moment like I said.
But the more time goes on, the more as anyone would, healing happens and some things aren't as impactful and important as others anymore. It still dominates my thoughts when I think about it, but its mostly manageable for the most part. There are still days, like last night or a few days before that, that I still feel crippled by my dreams and memories, but it doesn't seem to inspire me anymore. That makes me wonder if I've finally got about all of it out. I've noticed a trend these newer songs that its starting to shift from the "why me" to "what next" and finally some other topics all together and I think that's good. I think that's where my brain is headed in general in life and that's good too. I've also noticed that I let it slip into a few T3 songs that to me aren't so oblivious, yet are extremely obvious but I'm hoping they aren't to everyone else. Then again we might not use some of those songs. Those aren't sad, but they deal with a few of these issues. Music is funny like that.
I just know that two songs in particular that I've been writing on with PBnJ have come to a dead stand still in the last few weeks and I don't know why. One can go either way depending on what gets written next. It can be a song about finding hope and new love in general or it can be about regret and giving up. Maybe I'll make two different versions I don't know. The other, a song I'm very proud of and mostly all I've played it for really seem to like on a legitimate level is also trapped in the final verse. That one is more of a progressive story and maybe the reason I can't finish it is because I haven't decided how this story is going to end yet. Yeah me. I didn't start this story, but at this point its up to me to finish it and its a day to day struggle to figure out what I want anymore. On one hand my brain says just let it go and continue on. On the other my memories and heart says hold on just a bit longer. Maybe that's how the song should end instead of waiting to be based on the real story, because that seems like its going to be too far away from here.
None the less after the last few days I sit and wonder still as I look at what I've been up-to, I wonder what you've been up-to and wonder if I still cross your mind at least once in awhile.
It's been a songwriting miracle as of late and I've been on fire. Ever since I got that new guitar, or possibly right before it, I started writing music like crazy both lyrically and musically. I've noticed that there are two kinds of writing that I do in life: the extremely goofy and funny and the mildly depressing take a look at my life kind of deal. I don't know at what point it happened but I was inspired enough in October or late November that I hopped back on that goofy train and haven't gotten off yet, despite all the difficult things I was/pretty much still am going through. Maybe its my defense mechanism, in fact I'm pretty sure it is, but I've gotten a lot of good songs out of it, some of which we've used, others we're going to, and the like. Then because of everything that happened it inspired a whole slew of other songs, ones just for me really. Those are the a little sad, a little inspiring, semi hopeful, semi regretful songs that have mostly littered my little side project.
That's where the filter comes in and a lot of those will never see the light of day to anybody but me, because like in any situation when you are extremely controlled by your emotions a lot of what you write is just crap. Maybe its because I'm still slightly in the moment but I don't feel that much of it is, and maybe its not or maybe I'm just still in the moment like I said.
But the more time goes on, the more as anyone would, healing happens and some things aren't as impactful and important as others anymore. It still dominates my thoughts when I think about it, but its mostly manageable for the most part. There are still days, like last night or a few days before that, that I still feel crippled by my dreams and memories, but it doesn't seem to inspire me anymore. That makes me wonder if I've finally got about all of it out. I've noticed a trend these newer songs that its starting to shift from the "why me" to "what next" and finally some other topics all together and I think that's good. I think that's where my brain is headed in general in life and that's good too. I've also noticed that I let it slip into a few T3 songs that to me aren't so oblivious, yet are extremely obvious but I'm hoping they aren't to everyone else. Then again we might not use some of those songs. Those aren't sad, but they deal with a few of these issues. Music is funny like that.
I just know that two songs in particular that I've been writing on with PBnJ have come to a dead stand still in the last few weeks and I don't know why. One can go either way depending on what gets written next. It can be a song about finding hope and new love in general or it can be about regret and giving up. Maybe I'll make two different versions I don't know. The other, a song I'm very proud of and mostly all I've played it for really seem to like on a legitimate level is also trapped in the final verse. That one is more of a progressive story and maybe the reason I can't finish it is because I haven't decided how this story is going to end yet. Yeah me. I didn't start this story, but at this point its up to me to finish it and its a day to day struggle to figure out what I want anymore. On one hand my brain says just let it go and continue on. On the other my memories and heart says hold on just a bit longer. Maybe that's how the song should end instead of waiting to be based on the real story, because that seems like its going to be too far away from here.
None the less after the last few days I sit and wonder still as I look at what I've been up-to, I wonder what you've been up-to and wonder if I still cross your mind at least once in awhile.
Friday, March 4, 2011
The New Generation
I spent a few hours after band practice talking to Derek about the direction these crazy new tunes are headed in and it reminded me of a conversation I had about the same thing a year or so ago.
When T3 first started it was about being a goofy band. Almost all the songs reflected the carefree life I was living at the time. Little by little as the band grew there began to be a division in the songs that were not only nonsense songs and goofy, but a lot of them hold a second and very personal meaning that I don't really talk about. Not many on the first album are like that, but they are there. It might be a line or it might be the song in general, but its the pattern that I've started to develop as I've been writing music. T3 will never be serious and will never be sad, its just not what it is. I've gone against limiting of what it is and what it isn't, but that is the one rule and only rule I've ever held us to, other than keeping things less than vulgar.
When we released Your Music Is Bad And You Should Feel Bad, it comprised of pretty much the first nine songs that we had completed and were satisfied with. During that period of time there were quite a few songs that were worked on, but ultimately never finished. The only ones that ever popped up later from that time period in all honesty were Unemployed and Momma's Boy, even though they didn't really get past the basic rhythm or just lyrically for another 2 years or so. After those songs were done I started to dive deeper into what I was writing and many of the songs that were written at that period of time took a much different tone than originally. Fewer songs were just nonsense songs straight up, and were more that divided meaning that I mentioned before. I describe the YMIBAYSFB as daydreaming of some extraordinary world where anything is possible and does. The most ridiculous things that could be happening are happening, but all are grounded in semi-realistic ideas, places, and things.
I assumed that the next album was going to be more focused on personal yet more realistic experiences that I had been through in my life, as that was the tone that was going on at the time. It was still going to be abstract and funny, but a majority of the songs were more relatable I think as they all dealt with everyday situations to the extreme. You can see this starting to happen in the last two songs that were written for that album in Ken and Unemployed. They were real situations with a goofy twist. You know, stuff like that.
However with lineup changes, the passing of time, and general dissatisfaction with some of the things I had written, a lot of those songs just never materialized or never got past the demo stage and a lot of them never will. At the moment we have roughly 9 demos ready with another 4 or 5 on deck that we'll be working on over the next few months that will dwindle down to the best 11 or 12 tracks for the new album at some point. I made a list of those songs the other day and noticed the pattern is returning but in a more divided way. There are songs that are completely not about anything and there are other songs that have a strong tie to the experiences I've had in the last year. That's the weirdest thing to me really. With the exception of maybe one or two songs so far, all of the new songs were written brand new as of September or October of last year. None of the older ones survived or at least aren't resurfacing right now. Because of the experiences that have made up my life over these past ten or so months have shaped something very different. If you combine that with the fact that we are all collectively much better musicians now and aren't just throwing crap together and calling it a day at the first handful of songs, its shaping up to be a whole different monster this time around.
That is all things considered, we won't know until we record and release the album later this year, but it just makes me think of how far we've come. But as always, I'm not going to say what these songs are about. People can take the meaning however they want. I just know that I enjoy writing songs that have dual and recently sometimes tri-meanings in them. Maybe I'm getting better at this kind of thing?t
When T3 first started it was about being a goofy band. Almost all the songs reflected the carefree life I was living at the time. Little by little as the band grew there began to be a division in the songs that were not only nonsense songs and goofy, but a lot of them hold a second and very personal meaning that I don't really talk about. Not many on the first album are like that, but they are there. It might be a line or it might be the song in general, but its the pattern that I've started to develop as I've been writing music. T3 will never be serious and will never be sad, its just not what it is. I've gone against limiting of what it is and what it isn't, but that is the one rule and only rule I've ever held us to, other than keeping things less than vulgar.
When we released Your Music Is Bad And You Should Feel Bad, it comprised of pretty much the first nine songs that we had completed and were satisfied with. During that period of time there were quite a few songs that were worked on, but ultimately never finished. The only ones that ever popped up later from that time period in all honesty were Unemployed and Momma's Boy, even though they didn't really get past the basic rhythm or just lyrically for another 2 years or so. After those songs were done I started to dive deeper into what I was writing and many of the songs that were written at that period of time took a much different tone than originally. Fewer songs were just nonsense songs straight up, and were more that divided meaning that I mentioned before. I describe the YMIBAYSFB as daydreaming of some extraordinary world where anything is possible and does. The most ridiculous things that could be happening are happening, but all are grounded in semi-realistic ideas, places, and things.
I assumed that the next album was going to be more focused on personal yet more realistic experiences that I had been through in my life, as that was the tone that was going on at the time. It was still going to be abstract and funny, but a majority of the songs were more relatable I think as they all dealt with everyday situations to the extreme. You can see this starting to happen in the last two songs that were written for that album in Ken and Unemployed. They were real situations with a goofy twist. You know, stuff like that.
However with lineup changes, the passing of time, and general dissatisfaction with some of the things I had written, a lot of those songs just never materialized or never got past the demo stage and a lot of them never will. At the moment we have roughly 9 demos ready with another 4 or 5 on deck that we'll be working on over the next few months that will dwindle down to the best 11 or 12 tracks for the new album at some point. I made a list of those songs the other day and noticed the pattern is returning but in a more divided way. There are songs that are completely not about anything and there are other songs that have a strong tie to the experiences I've had in the last year. That's the weirdest thing to me really. With the exception of maybe one or two songs so far, all of the new songs were written brand new as of September or October of last year. None of the older ones survived or at least aren't resurfacing right now. Because of the experiences that have made up my life over these past ten or so months have shaped something very different. If you combine that with the fact that we are all collectively much better musicians now and aren't just throwing crap together and calling it a day at the first handful of songs, its shaping up to be a whole different monster this time around.
That is all things considered, we won't know until we record and release the album later this year, but it just makes me think of how far we've come. But as always, I'm not going to say what these songs are about. People can take the meaning however they want. I just know that I enjoy writing songs that have dual and recently sometimes tri-meanings in them. Maybe I'm getting better at this kind of thing?t
Thursday, March 3, 2011
You Can Be Your Own Spotlight
Today is a beautiful day outside and I feel pretty alright. I have most of the week to be honest. I'm not sure why tho, its just been happening. I think honest to goodness peace from this whole situation is finally starting to settle in a little. Its not completely ok, but its getting there. That being said, I'm still bummed about being rejected, forgotten, ignored, hated, and replaced but that's how it goes anyway. I'm doing my best to not think about it anymore, and say to that little beating organ in my chest "hey, cool it for now. We both know what you want, but you're driving me nuts. Lets just relax for awhile".
In the meantime I was sitting and thinking the other day about where I am in life. At our show last weekend I came face to face with a girl I went to high school with. It made me think about the time since high school and what all I've accomplished or not accomplished since then. My ten year reunion is next year and its been making me curious as to where I'll be in one year's time. The idea of thinking slightly ahead like that isn't new to me, especially in the last few months but its made me think.
What is the norm of ten years out of high school? I don't really know, but if I were to make an assumption I think it would be something like this:
-go to college, graduate, get a 2 or 4 year degree
-get a career oriented job and you know... work at it
-get married and/or have kids
-be an adult
That's a shitty list I know, I don't really know what "normal" is supposed to be to be honest. But thats only because my life since high school has been anything but normal. Here's my mini checklist from then till now. My track record if you will:
-worked odd jobs to get by
-went to and dropped out of college on 3 separate occasions before getting my degree
-dated um... 3 maybe 4 different people in actual relationships over the last ten years. (is that it honestly? Well I just suck at that)
-briefly was engaged, then dumped in a pretty awful and sudden matter
-traveled all across the county many many times
-studied, learned, and became fluent in Spanish
-lived in Mexico for 2 years
-during those two years I performed service, taught the gospel, helped homeless people, and lots and lots of other things and had an innumerable amount of experiences that could fill books
-fulfilled my dream of forming a band that eventually did take off and am currently performing, recording, and just having fun with
-met so very many good friends and people as well as lost a lot as well
and other junk, but I guess those are the big ones
I don't care what the people I went to high school have accomplished, I may not have hardly any of the "real things" done in life yet, but I don't care. I've led a pretty fulfilling life with a wide spectrum of success, failure, happiness and sadness and its all mine.
In the meantime I was sitting and thinking the other day about where I am in life. At our show last weekend I came face to face with a girl I went to high school with. It made me think about the time since high school and what all I've accomplished or not accomplished since then. My ten year reunion is next year and its been making me curious as to where I'll be in one year's time. The idea of thinking slightly ahead like that isn't new to me, especially in the last few months but its made me think.
What is the norm of ten years out of high school? I don't really know, but if I were to make an assumption I think it would be something like this:
-go to college, graduate, get a 2 or 4 year degree
-get a career oriented job and you know... work at it
-get married and/or have kids
-be an adult
That's a shitty list I know, I don't really know what "normal" is supposed to be to be honest. But thats only because my life since high school has been anything but normal. Here's my mini checklist from then till now. My track record if you will:
-worked odd jobs to get by
-went to and dropped out of college on 3 separate occasions before getting my degree
-dated um... 3 maybe 4 different people in actual relationships over the last ten years. (is that it honestly? Well I just suck at that)
-briefly was engaged, then dumped in a pretty awful and sudden matter
-traveled all across the county many many times
-studied, learned, and became fluent in Spanish
-lived in Mexico for 2 years
-during those two years I performed service, taught the gospel, helped homeless people, and lots and lots of other things and had an innumerable amount of experiences that could fill books
-fulfilled my dream of forming a band that eventually did take off and am currently performing, recording, and just having fun with
-met so very many good friends and people as well as lost a lot as well
and other junk, but I guess those are the big ones
I don't care what the people I went to high school have accomplished, I may not have hardly any of the "real things" done in life yet, but I don't care. I've led a pretty fulfilling life with a wide spectrum of success, failure, happiness and sadness and its all mine.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)