I'm very tired at the moment and its been a long day. It was full of thinking, doing, moving, shaking, and more thinking. Tonight, while most likely not a life changing night, is about to become a life changing night for me.
Something may or may not happen in relation to this label and the band, whatever.
We're going to play a good show for lots of people and either do well or badly, whatever.
But I personally am going to take something away from tonight.
The past 4 months have been awful and even the few months before that were no picnic. In fact, ever since I graduated its been a downward spiral for me. One that to me personally spells failure. Before anyone says anything or gives that old saying "but Robert you aren't a failure, you're just having a hard time" I don't care. I can be told lots of things, but on the inside whether I am or not, I FEEL like a failure.
I wandered around in life forever and ever, but finally did get a degree last July. That's great, but what am I doing with it? Nothing. I attempted to get a job in lots of places and didn't come up with shit. I tried to find at least something to sustain myself and hopefully put things together during my engagement so that I could at very least support us for awhile till we figured something out. That failed. The very relationship with my fiance itself fell apart. Sure it was her decision and it came out of nowhere, but that doesn't mean that inheritanly there wasn't something that was going on at some point that was in my control that made her not want to be with me anymore. It could have been the relationship, the engagement, the stress, whatever. But in the end it came down to the decision of keep at it or drop me and thats what happened. So fail on my part. From there I gave up trying to do anything. I worked/work crap jobs for minimum wage because I can't pull myself together. I've laid awake at night, often full of tears, and can't seem to put myself into social situations for very long. My life at the moment = big amounts of fail.
That's not to say there haven't been good things or better things happening. Or that I'm not getting any better, but that's not the point I'm trying to make. The point is, that I FEEL like a failure. I've FELT like a failure. And I'm damn well sick of it. Tonight is for me. We've played a few shows before and yes I feel good after them and everything, but it doesn't stop me from going back to my shit life the next day on my own. Tonight I have something to prove and if nothing else it will be something I prove to myself and on the inside and it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. This is my life and as much as I don't like it, its mine and I have to fix it.
I'm going to do the best I can for myself tonight. I'm going to give it my all and leave no regrets. I'm going to prove to myself that I'm worth something. That at least some people out there like me for me. That I have talents. That I can accomplish something. I am creative. I am strong. I have real true friends. I have created something that people legitimately enjoy. I'm ok with me and just being me. I may miss her so very badly and still love her with all my heart, but I don't hold any content nor ill feelings towards her no matter what anybody else says. I will stand up and say this is me and if you don't like it kiss my ass world: I am not a failure. Its not over yet. I will not continue to be ignored.
I don't know how that's going to be accomplished, nor do I feel that tomorrow I'm going to wake up and be just fine, but I need this. I need a win and I need something, anything to keep me going because I just can't take this feeling anymore. I'm not a failure and I'm not done yet.
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