Same old, same old

Some days I just feel trapped in a life that I don't recognize as my own. It's funny how you think about how life is "supposed" to go or even how you'd like it to go, then when it takes off in a completely different direction you sort of fall asleep at the wheel after awhile, then you wake up one day and say "what the hell am I doing and where am I?". That was me this week. The shock value of the last few months is gone, the inability to do anything is gone as are most of the problems with it, gone and done. In its place are the occasional memory, reminder, the empty feeling a bit and all that jazz. I make it sound like I'm dying on a daily basis in this blog true, I'm really not. I can and do function on a day to day basis. Sure I still wish it would revert back to before and I still wish I could fix things because you know, the heart blah blah blah.

But lately I've been thinking about where I am now. I'm finally in a schedule of sorts, a route-en if you will. I work, I play music, I lay around, sleep, eat, repeat. Music is starting to loose its luster a little bit, not from desire, but from the non filling portion. Its job of distracting me did its part and it no longer really has the need to distract me anymore. Now I need something to fill that space. Music can do it and I still am heavily involved in it, but I'm no longer clinging to it like a pillow in the middle of the night. I like my job, I really do, but at the same time I hate it and everything it represents.
I think I'm at that point finally of saying, ok starting to get back up on my feet and steady now. Take a few steps and while wobbly I'm not falling on my ass again. I don't want to sit on my ass in my current position, I think I'm getting to the point of starting to take steps forward and I'm about to do just that. After next weeks show and the inevitable nothing going to come out of it most likely, I'll start doing serious job hunting for the first time since November, only centralize it to Arkansas for another few months. Then if nothing comes up by lets say June or so, expand to anywhere. I want to do something with my life, but I'm still not comfortable leaving where I'm located yet. I don't know how well I'd do away from this safety net at the moment, especially with the complete lack of savings. But maybe by then I'll have stood up straight enough to be able to. Who knows.
In the meantime I'm going to focus on not falling asleep at work and doing the best damn show I can muster next week and just cross my fingers. Because honestly, if I could choose to play music for the rest of my life that's a no brainier. Get paid to dance and sing stupid songs? Yes please. I'm not putting my hopes and dreams on it, but hey the opportunity is actually there in reality next Friday and dammit, I'm going to give it a shot. Wish me luck.