I'm amazed at how much of a cycle I'm in at the moment. Lately I've managed to distance myself from just about everybody in my life it seems like because I just don't feel like talking to people. There are very few people I seem to hang out with anymore and that's ok I guess, seeing that a majority of the rest of the people I know are busy enough with their own lives that me not popping up as much really affects it too much. But other than that I seem to follow the same patter day in day out kind of in a daze here and there. I wake up, go to work, come home, eat, sometimes take a nap, then its either play the guitar or sit on the computer a majority of the rest of the day while working at a snails pace on little projects then back to bed. My though process is about the same too. It cycles around thinking of musical projects, what I aspire to do with my time and how to pull myself out of this funk, but ultimately back to memories that seem to cycle it all around again. This is the same story I've been telling for months now, but hey if you don't like it don't read it. This is me just saying whats on my mind. I'm not really sure who the consistent five or so people are who read this thing, but yeah. Its not an attention thing, I'm just too lazy to write in my journal anymore so things go here. Believe you me I've got a lot more personal things to say, but they sure aren't going up here.
Anyway, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine today about a similar situation she has found herself in recently and we compared notes so to speak. Its always funny how easy it is to dispense advice that you know is helpful and can help you get back up again when its not you. Irony is always that its the same exact things that people tell you on a daily basis, but you don't seem to listen. Is it because you don't feel that it'll help? Or you don't want it to help? Maybe we all just like to feel down every once in awhile. Maybe we just want the attention? I dunno about you, but its not the last one for me, but maybe I just like it a little perhaps? Well maybe not like it, but they say misery loves company right? Anyone who gets depressed tends to stay a bit longer than necessary on occasion and beat themselves up probably a little too much. I know that's where I'm at right now. Part of me wonders what I hope to accomplish for that too. Or do I even think about it? There's that cycle again. Everyday its a mix of I'm a piece of crap who deserves what I get to well maybe things aren't totally my fault, back to a middle ground of just not wanting to think about it. I just really wish I had something else to think about instead of what I've been thinking about for way too long now. Oh well, I'm sure with my little stunt last week had cemented any hopes of ever fixing anything just deep deep down and far away. If she didn't hate me before she probably does now. Get over it Robert.
But back to that conversation I had with my friend. I thought about how time just cycles things around. In the course of two years time a lot of things can change. I can look at my own life in little two year chunks for example. 2003-2005 I went through a world of changes in Mexico. 2005-2007 there was all that confusion and mix up coming back from Mexico, mishaps with Amanda, dropping out of school and finally at the tail end figuring things out. 2007-2008ish (not so much two years but whatever) the whole Paula situation, making serious mistakes, fixing them, then getting back on track,2009-present everything to do with Virginia.
All of those little brackets start in one place and end up back in the same place. I start out either ok and happy with things, then they get better, then worse, then better, then horrible and end, then climb back up. Or maybe they started in crappy place and came back around to great, then ultimately back to crap again. I've got to stop categorizing my life in little groups, chapters, books, and what have you. I've always done it tho and can't seem to stop myself. Whats scary about right now tho is the uncertainty of well... anything. This is literally the first time that there is nothing ahead at the moment. In times past there was always something on the horizon whether it be school or well...pretty much school. Other times it was a plan or an event or something but right now nothing. The only definite thing I have to do for the next few years is earn money to pay back my loans. There is nowhere I have to be and nobody I have to be with. Its a little scary.
This is where goals come in handy, but sadly I have none at the moment. Well thats not true, I made a huge list the other day of things I wish to accomplish this year and it all started with that message I got next week. I don't know if I should say thank you or just bow down in continued shame because of the realization I had but well I don't know. I just know I have a lot of work to do and without a reason behind it I'm not sure how fast that's going to go until I find one.
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