This Time

This week should feel more important than it is but I don't know why it doesn't. Maybe that hope and faith in succeeding in things really isn't where it ought to be anymore. I'm still learning to what extent how badly I was shaken back in November as it still creeps up from time to time to remind me that "hey, while you can semi-function on a day to day basis now, you're still not there and who knows when you will be. haha" What a jerk of an emotion.

I stopped dreaming about it a few weeks ago, but they came back a few days ago so yeah.. semi-progress? I don't know. Nerves mostly is what is going on. I don't know what I'm doing with my life still and as I'm coming out of the haze of realizing that any last hope I might have for anything ever getting fixed is diminishing, I see that nothing really satisfies as it should. Maybe that's why I jumped back on the T3 train as soon as things fell apart. It's been that crutch that I've needed to get through the hard times I've had over the last 3 years. And man, the last 3 years have been way too tough, yet I'm still here. I guess that says something. This time is different and honestly for the first time I don't know whats next nor do I have any indication of what to do. I just kind of exist at the moment and I have a feeling its going to keep going for awhile.

The first step of keeping busy and filling my days with things to not think so much are done, now I need to fill them with something worthwhile. The problem is, nothing feels worthwhile anymore so I guess that's where I have to go from here. But back to this week. Whereas I used to hold high hopes for these kinds of things, I guess lately its more along the lines of its just not going to happen. I can dream though can't I? Even though that's not specifically the dream I'd rather have come true if I had to choose.