I’d Never Thought I’d Say This, Or It’s Just The Loneliness

So according to my dashboard thingy this is blog #100. Hooray?

I dunno, I think it would mean more to me if I would have stuck to the original intention of this blog and keeping it about non personal topics or just opinions or reviews or something. But sadly it just became the downward spiral of me venting my frustrations and depressing junk for the last 6 months or so. I'm on track to fix that, but its anybodies game at this point. I suppose now is as a good time as any to do another look back and see where I am with my life and evaluate how far I've come since the last time I did this, which I also don't remember to be honest.

-I am 26 years old a college graduate and I currently live at home.
-I work in a bakery while I'm slowly but surely applying to various career oriented jobs around the state. Pretty soon I'm going to just straight up branch out of the state and go to wherever it takes me. At this point and after so many months of looking around I'm willing to bet that when that job finally does come, whatever it is, it'll be somewhere that is not in Arkansas and I'm both ok and not ok with that.
-I've had many a heart to heart with various people and its amazing that once you bow out of so many activities and situations how different the world looks and the people you have surrounded yourself with. I'm much more aware of people's personalities and actual amounts of "who gives a damn" from a lot of people these days, which makes the idea of moving away from my hometown not feel so bad when it eventually happens. It will for the sake of those whom I'll really miss, but for the others ehh... not so much anymore.
-The elapsed course of what would originally be the end of my single life and the start of married life has come and gone and surprisingly its gotten easier from a few days before that till now. Maybe its finally out of my system for the most part. Not completely of course, but an acceptance although reluctant. The feelings are still there and always will be, but I think I've dusted myself off and licked my wounds enough that I can get back on the horse now. Well, life anyway, not so much other things but whatever. The point is, although I haven't had that void of a hole filled with anything else yet, but at least its not a gaping wound anymore. Its just empty.
-My days variate from happy to a little distant and reluctant, but mostly doing alright these days. Today is one of those, I feel a bit misplaced and alone days but I am the master of my own destiny so if I don't want to feel that way maybe I should go find something to do. And now I can honestly say I'm doing that, just every once in awhile I stop for a minute before keeping on keeping on.
-I've made a few very good friends, lost a few, am in the process of loosing a few others, and have had to make realizations and choices that aren't pleasant to have to deal with. In the long run its just another bumpy path in the road, but I'm not dead yet and now nor do I wish I was so, experience it. Yeah.
-I'm still gearing up to move out in the near future, just some minor financial setbacks have stepped in the way, but now I think I'm doing it for the right reason, not just on a whim because I thought it might help anything.
-Long talks I've had with important people have helped settle the dust and made things better.
-short talks with others have made reality a crappy thing to understand but I do understand it. Oh well, it was a pipe dream anyway.

In short, life is going on at the moment and I'm working on it. I don't know where/when/why or any of the other questions about who I am or where I'm going at the moment, but until I figure that out here I am world. Here I am.

Somebody Call Up The New York Times, This Fever's Gonna Make Headlines

It's been awhile since I've been to a large concert and even longer since I've been to one where I've had as much fun as I did last night. Family Force 5 is hands down one of my favorite live bands ever if not my most favorite. Its really a toss up for best live performance with maybe one or two others but either way it was a hoot.

I've only gotten to see them once before and that was a quick set at the Warped Tour back in 08' so getting to see a full on set was just awesome. The day however could have been better and was almost a complete disaster. I left work a little early and drove straight to Memphis to meet up with Ryan and Amanda at the venue. They were supposed to be there at 5 and I was gonna get there around then as well, no problemo. Wrong. About 4:45 I get a text saying they'll be an hour late. Ok, no problem because I needed to gas up and get some food anyway. Then an hour passes. And another. And another. Lots of texts and a few calls of them getting lost and not understanding where the venue was blah blah blah. In the end they parked literally 3 or 4 miles away and hoofed it over to where I was. Doors to the show were at 6 with the show starting at 7, but they arrived about 730ish when I was about a half hour from just going in without them.

After that it was fantastic. Minglewood Hall is easily one of the coolest venues I've ever seen. Half music venue, half hipster disco club, great sound, and nice and cool. They had a smoking patio where we spent a majority of the night before FF5 came out seeing that it was nice to sit in the sun while they smoked a few and the entire crowd were 15-16 year old kids. When I say entire crowd I mean a good 30 or so people. That alone was very weird to see. I know that Family Force 5 isn't too well known but I thought for sure they were a bit better known than that. Oh well, I love smaller shows that have just enough people to dance with. And dance we did. I haven't bounced around that much in a long long while and to do it with such easy going good friends it was fantastical. The show itself just amazes me. They blasted through a majority of their songs from both of their albums as well as 3 new ones from their upcoming third album. These guys have more energy on stage then I've ever seen any band in my entire life. Its like watching 5 larger versions of me jumping around only with actual talent and having a good time.
After the show was over we hung out for a bit and talked to their guitarist for awhile and took a few pictures. Again was surprised at how nice that guy is, it never ceases to amaze me. Good times had by all and its sad that its over so fast. Oh well, I've just got to find a way to see them again soon.

This was more or less the set list:

Country Gentlemen
Drama Queen
Fever
Earthquake
Dang Gurl
Lose Yourself
Get Your Back Off The Wall
Wobble
SuperSonic
Dance or Die
Radiator
Luv Addict
Ghostride the Whip
You Got It

Springtime And Lollipops

It's been so long since I've been in Conway during springtime that I don't really remember what its like here. The weather is nuts and it freaks me out to be a little honest. Its been raining off and on for a few weeks ago and these storms are just straight up nasty. I woke up at midnight to a really loud constant sound that turned out to be nothing but rain, but the hardest rain I've ever seen in my life. It was like those tropical storms you see in movies when somebody is hanging out in South America somewhere. Nuts.

No, I'm used to the only storms I'm dealing with in the early spring are snowstorms up in Rexburg. Not tornado I'm going to eat all of you kind of storms. I guess its not that bad really since I spend most of my time inside anyway, but it just seems that the only days that its truly nasty while I'm at work are the days that I have my hour long lunch break and have to drown in it while I forage for food in town. At least its keeping my allergies at bay. That is something we can all be thankful for.

Well that and not being eaten by a tornado. Too bad I can't say the same thing for our poor backyard fence.

Day One

I woke up this morning and something honestly felt different. Relaxing even. As I'm staring out the window its not exactly sunny, but the light is peeking through the clouds a little although I know its going to storm later today and I think at various points this week, but at the moment its serene and pretty outside.

That's how I feel inside as well. I feel good today. I got good sleep last night, no nightmares, I spent yesterday laughing and enjoying myself almost not thinking about what I was worrying about at all. I build things up too much in head sometimes and create monstrous enemies that I can't possibly face. But its all over now and hey I feel better.

Its time to start a new life and time to explore the possibilities of things for me alone and not wait around anymore. To stop being haunted by the ghosts of the past. I can wish all day long and hope and dream, but that wont change the fact if somebody hates your guts. I guess I shouldn't worry about it anymore. Its become just another part of the story now. Sure that feeling of strong love will always be there, but now its accepted its fate and will just hang out with the other things down in there that had their moment and now sit on a rocking chair reminiscing of the good old days. Sorry old timer, it wasn't your time either, my bad.

Yesterday was a pretty alright day. Today will be even better.

The Blessings of the Promised Savior

(Another post written a few days ago and I just re read through it, man I need to stay on track better. But I was distracted while I wrote this. Oh well, hopefully you'll still get something out of it).

Today being Easter I suppose it would be a better idea to write something a bit more
positive in here right? Not to mention the idea behind the events of Easter are something I want to reflect on a little in my own life at the moment anyway.

To most people Easter means taking that once a year trip into your church with a lot of family, getting dressed up and having some big dinner, not unlike Christmas Eve. To others it means chocolate, egg hunts, or any other sort of nonsense that has been tacked onto this day. To few it still holds meaning of importance that really should be made note to everyone, not just those who believe in such things. So yeah this is going to get into some faith based stuff so just warning you.

We all know the story of Easter: Jesus returned to Jerusalem, met with the apostles one last time, performed the atonement, was crucified and subsequently resurrected three days later on Sunday morning. Very cut and dry story really. It’s a wonderful story actually if you really think of the baseboard of what’s behind it all. For me to really appreciate it all you have to think beyond just the events of or the very light answer some people give as to why “because Jesus loves you”. Well yes, yes he does, but what does it all mean? Why do that? To save you? From what? Why? Does everyone really understand or think about it? Probably not. I know I don’t think about it all too much sometimes, even though I should. What was the point of a savior and why would we ever need one in the first place? And what effect does it have on us now?

Really we have to keep in mind the difference of times both before and after the events of Easter. To us now, it’s already happened and to some it’s just a nice story. It happened, its over, it continues to inspire us today, and we try to live our lives being better and doing good things among other stuff that I’m not going to talk about here because it would just fill out pages and pages. Not to mention it’s the biggest debate of why there are so many churches today, but none the less we have a much different scenario than the people who came before that time. To us the savior has already come and gone and await him to come back someday. To the people before that, they awaited his arrival to free them from what price they couldn’t already pay. The promised Savior that was talked about before even the world was.

As a kid it didn’t make too much sense to me when I learned about when the plan was presented in the pre-existence. To me it sounded like the choice was about which way we were going to do this and how it was all going to go down, instead of the reality which was here is the plan do you accept it? The wording of “if” may or may not have been there but it seems like it was always part of the plan as well. If man should fall and be lost then a savior will be provided to reclaim them. I don’t believe that whole Adam and Eve ruined it all for it all for us by getting kicked out of the garden like some churches do. That just doesn’t make sense. There would be no progression, which is why we’re all here in the first place. Why we chose to come here at all. As a kid it just seemed like the idea of a savior was plan B. It was always the plan, the choice just needed to be made to set the events in motion.

The one eternal concept that I do not understand even if it makes sense by my brain is the concept of sin. Other than it being the very definition of doing something contrary to what we were asked to or asked not to do. I get that. I wonder where these rules and commandments came from in the very first place or at least what defines things as good and evil. I mean when the definitions have been established so we can make those judgments and understandings ourselves so I get it, but just an idea that I think about sometimes. Has the definition of good and evil existed since the very beginning if there even is one at all? Oh well, now I’m getting off topic here.

Anyway, what I was trying to get at is for some reason it is impossible for anything unclean or evil to be in the presence of God. We know that. So therefore the gift of agency of choice becomes a double edged sword. It can lead us to grow and strengthen ourselves or it can be our downfall depending on what choices we make. So mankind began to exist and had no problems because there were no real choices to make or at least nothing to go against. Then commandments were introduced and suddenly agency comes into play. We all make choices and we all make good and bad ones, but the very real truth is that the price that comes with making bad decisions is far too much for us to be able to pay for. I’m not entirely sure why, but it is. It’s another eternal concept that has always existed but I don’t quite get, oh well. So then why take your greatest creation, what you love, what you want to give all to, send them away and then essentially doom them to grow and strengthen but never be able to return? Well you don’t. That’s what the concept of a savior is for. I always liked the story of the man who goes into debt and can’t afford to pay his debt and is about to be sent to prison, but a friend steps in and pays the debt for him as a mediator. Then the friend can work under his friend’s conditions to repay the debt, but is no longer under the burden of the original price of the debt. That’s what happened essentially.

We as a people were trapped under a debt that we all bring onto ourselves because nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes and that’s ok. It’s part of life. But thankfully that was the point of him coming down and doing all that for us. Paying our price all at once in a way we can’t really grasp completely, just that it happened and that it was extremely painful and agonizing but did it out of love. Out of necessity sure, but he didn’t have to but did it anyway. The House of Israel of the Old Testament understood all this before this time came. They had a system that was a similitude of the sacrifice of the savior and worked as a form of repentance, but just didn’t quite pay that price completely. They all waited in earnest for that time to come. They got it, they understood it. It was the freedom they all had awaited for. The freedom that we all awaited for as we waited to come to earth ourselves and get our turn at taking a crack at life. I’ve gotten off track a bit here, but it’s just some things I’ve been thinking about anyway. And appropriate to think about today I think. I'm grateful for it even if I take it for granted or forget about it from time to time.

Time Is Nothing. I'll Love You Always

I’m writing this much earlier in the week while I’m thinking straight rather than on Saturday where I don’t know where my mind will be. Maybe I’ll be in the same mindset that I am right now, or maybe I’ll be crippled with depression who knows. But I’ll write it as if it were that date instead and hope that it sees fit to be correct. If not, well then years later I’ll pretend it was and hope that I’ll feel better about it.

Today in another time and in another life I was going to be married. That’s an odd thing to wrap my brain around, it really is. When plans change sometimes its easy to imagine how they would have happened or what you would be doing or whatever. This is a time that’s much harder to do because its not like I’ve ever done it before or anything similar to it. It’s something that most people only do once and that’s it. It’s a one shot and it comes and goes so fast. Its funny to me how fast time has gone by when it feels like only yesterday I was talking to her saying something along the lines of “It seems so far away now, but 9 months will fly by and then its eternity from here on out”. Eternity alright. Eternity of a different life.

I mentioned a few weeks ago when I was at Paula’s wedding that it felt odd that I wasn’t more broken up about being there than I was. Not at it being her wedding, not at all, but a wedding in general. I guess it’s because when this all went down my thoughts were instantly and always on the individual and the relationship rather than marriage. I was far more concerned with holding onto her in any way shape or form rather than imagining that one little date and time. Ironically it was me who cut almost all communication a few days later by deleting her from all my social media networks, deleting pictures of her and rounding up everything that included her of letters, pictures, texts, gifts, the ring, chat messages and everything else into one little box that sits in my mom’s closet. This was the one time that being just friends was just not good enough. I thought differently with others in the past thinking “well being friends means they are still in my life and its better than nothing”, but not this time. This was far greater of a thing for me and I couldn’t bear to have her in my life but not have her as my life. I knew that for sure. Maybe one day I could imagine it, but I still can’t now.

The time from then till now has been an absolute nightmare and has reshaped everything about my life. It showed light on my own insecurities, my faults, my mistakes, friends who are real friends, real friends who are not really real friends. It shut down everything I had hoped for, my dreams, my inspiration, my hope, and life in general. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I didn’t smile. I didn’t laugh. I was just empty. Its slowly been coming back, but its still a long ways off. Since then there have been a few bits of communication back and forth, lots of “stalking” as she puts it, on my part and lots of tears and heartache. Moments of anger and many moments of regret. Lots of blame for myself and lots of blame from her to me. Lots of blame of me blaming her, but then back to blaming myself. Moments of seeing small hints that she still thinks of me from time to time, moments of me knowing she doesn’t care anymore. Moments of daydreaming of possibilities and moments of knowing that its over and she’s moved on completely.
These things I write today as a reminder to myself of where I’ve been and to remind myself that the longer I hold on the less of myself there will be to pick up when I’m done. The hurt is most likely never going to completely go away, but there isn’t anything I can do about it. The love will never go away that I’m sure of. We’re both hypocrites and we’re both wrong about a lot of things, but that can’t fix it now.

So today is just another day like any other. The weather may be not the best but its still spring time. I’m going to go to work, come home, eat some food, and then maybe play my guitar for a while. I’m positive I’ll play the song I wrote for her and still sing it anyway like I was planning on today anyway, even if it’s just for me. Maybe then I’ll go for a drive or maybe I’ll take a walk if it’s not raining. Perhaps I’ll ride my bike. I need to start doing that again anyway. The point is its time to just take another step forward. This is not one of those declarative I’m moving on now or I’m over it now moments, because that would be a big lie. It’s a I’m reflecting on today and what it means to me kind of day. I’m still a long ways off from being ok, but that’s ok too. Life is just getting started and while it’s rocky now it has to have a few good moments left right? I’m only 26 and have a lot of life left. Then forever and a day afterwords. I’ll just try not to bitch about this anymore in here from here on out. Or less anyway. Or well I’ll do whatever I want because its my blog and I will if I want to : ) But I’m going to try anyway.

Note to Self

Let's take a deep breath and not make myself my own worst enemy tomorrow ok? Ok.

Falling Leaves

I am honestly humbled and amazed at how things in my life apparently do tend to work out sometimes if only for a mild solution. I am amazed that things like this even still do happen, but I am grateful for it.

This weekend might not suck so much after all, but if it does then I'll at least be where I planned to be all along.

It Came Back Again

I keep having this tiny portion of a reoccurring dream and now that I went back to think about it I forgot who it was. None the less this chunk has popped up a time or two before always right before I woke up and think to myself, what the hell is she talking about?

Its always this one friend of mine, I think, or it could be a different friend every time I don't remember who but I know its a friend of mine. They are always patting me on the back congratulating me on some project or something big that I have no idea what they are talking about and they won't be more specific than that, then I always wake up. It baffles the mind.

That and I also dreamed of a movie that was a combination of Scream and Indiana Jones. Indy was supposed to come to the rescue, but he was drunk. And flying a plane. And was being chased by the sky police for being drunk. Then trailer park shenanigans. Then illegal fireworks. Weird.

Just Noticing

I'm very much unhappy about how this week is progressing. On the outside its just fine, happy even. Things are going well, there is hope for the near future. Things are clicking and I'm keeping busy and figuring things out. But on the inside they are breaking down and feeling worse and worse everyday. I'm not allowing myself to be depressed or sad or anything and I've got a legitimate smile on my face for a majority of the day this week as opposed to the fake one I've been putting up for a few months now. But that same sinking feeling is there on the inside reminding me of how its still there even though I've jammed it so far down in there.

Things aren't going to be any different than they already are nor is anything going to change really but as much as I'm looking away this week I know its not going to be a happy day, not by a long shot.

Let’s play the color game!

Based on another couple of dreams I’ve had lately most likely a song in the works so I’m plopping it here to remember it later.

There are four colors in this question: green, red, black, and purple.
-black and purple both have a physical history
-red is semi distant and can’t be read
-black is most readily around but doesn’t have all the pieces to the puzzle
-purple will never be a part of the puzzle again even if it would fit perfectly
-green combines well with all three to make new colors
-red doesn’t know what is going on
-black wants to know what’s going on
-purple doesn’t care what’s going on
-green doesn’t know anything period
-red and black are very comforting and supportive
-green and purple have been around the longest
-red has other colors to look at
-purple isn’t thinking about these colors or at least trying not to
-black is thinking about one color
-green is thinking about all of the above
-purple is the color of bruises
-red is the color of fire and renewal
-green is the color of envy
-black is the color of the unknown
-all 4 can smile like nobodies business
-all 4 are far to complex to make simple decisions
-all 4 are part of the story now
-all 4 are in their own little worlds

That’s all I can think of right now, but I’m sure I’m still going to pen more later. This isn’t anything important just a song idea I had in mind.

All My Heroes Are Dead

An Introspective Look At Resident Hero Part 2

Its been awhile since I’ve really looked track by track to anything really especially any sort of album review, but as long as I’m the topic of Resident Hero, I’ll give it a go here.

A little bit of back story as it pertains from my point of view.

As far as I know Resident Hero has been around for a good ten years with an ever changing lineup over time. The one constant has been Ryan White on vocals/guitar. A few years back their website posted nearly all of their older albums up for free download and like a giddy schoolchild I was quick to gobble them all up. I already owned the two EPs that with their current/final lineup from shows but was interested to see how they sounded before. It’s different, but that’s because really it’s a different band, a different era. I don’t really want to go much into them, but you can definitely see progression from album to album, even with the the newer EPs they were selling on tour (Brown and White EPs). When they announced that they were finally going to head into the studio to record a full length LP on their own instead of waiting for a record company to do it for them I was pretty stoked. The quality on previous records was pretty alright as is, but there was always promise of better and more. They posted studio vlogs and little updates here and there to entice us all. At one point there was a semi track list that showed up in the video which left me ecstatic to see how many songs I already knew were on there and some new ones I’d never heard of before. Then nothing happened. They sort of sat on the record for a good year while they tried to get it out there and get support for it.

I had almost forgotten about it until one day a meekly little post appeared on their myspace informing that the record was coming out later in the summer with some full on touring behind it. Fantastic. And it did and we all rejoiced in it. I purchased Look off of Itunes at midnight when it was released and while very excited to finally have a copy, was surprised to see a few tracks that were previously missing that were my favorites (no Permanent Tracers? No Open Target? This is a sham!) But what did show up on the final track was more than enough. It told a story in a round about way. The album itself created a world that showed just what goes on in someone’s life when you struggle from the day to day. The joys and heartbreaks, the passions and the lies, the successes and the failures.

Vendetta Black – The album beings strong with what is most likely the heaviest song on the entire album. Right from the get go it’s like a punch in the face bombarding the listener with a catchy riff and a powerful question of what do you do when your heroes fail? This to me seems to be a general theme throughout the album. Maybe its not and this song just sets the tone for it, but it seems like it to me anyway. Its no wonder this was a staple at every live show since its incarnation in 2007.

Tears And Kisses – This to my knowledge was a “new song” first heard on the album itself. I know I never heard it live along with a couple other songs on this album anyway. This was also one of the songs that I did in fact hear long before this album came out however. When RH toured through Little Rock in December of 07’, Ryan left his guitars in town and by some strange turn of events I picked them up and drove to meet him halfway between here and Tyler, TX on Christmas Eve to return them to him. In return he gave me a copy of a cd that included a live acoustic show he performed sometime earlier. Many of those songs eventually became Resident Hero songs. As for the song itself, it starts of slow and melancholy admitting to a sadder moment, then erupting into something more fierce in declaration of the truth of a situation and how things really were behind the scenes.

The Pressure – Another track from that live acoustic cd this song is another that starts out in a way to fool you into thinking that the entire song will be just as heavy as the intro, but no. It starts off powerful then backs off considerably while maintaining momentum from start to finish. It deals with the pressures of life and responsibilities that come with it, yet I can’t ever stop to think of how it was described the last time I saw them live: “this song is about eating hamburgers and sleeping on your friends couch”. Well played Mr. White. Well played.

Stepping Through – Often heard, at least to me, as the first song performed live towards the end of their touring run, Stepping Through is a straight forward progressive rock song. Its honest and true and almost seems to cry out to the listener of its story and where its been while asking for assistance to press on further. It begins with simple clean guitar and vocals simply explode mid verse into something that grabs anybodies attention.

Look – One of two tracks I had never heard before the cd was released and I’m glad I never had, as it made it fresh and new right from the start. Its hands down one of the most bouncy and if I dare say dancey songs on the album if you can call it that. Jay’s simple yet catchy drumbeat that beings the song sets the tone for something that you know is going to build into something better the longer it goes. To me its one of those songs that says simple is often just as powerful as something far more complex. There can’t be more than 3 or 4 sections of this song that go on repeat, yet strong enough to hold their own. My second favorite track on the album.

Throwing Knives – This song is similar to Tears and Kisses as it has a very prominent piano part added into it. It’s a slower song especially coming out of the previous track but its another one of those start slow and explode pretty quickly catching you off guard. It starts with acoustic guitar and piano then turns full band at the first chorus. I suppose that I should note that Jay’s two measure hi hat dance as I like to call it right before the second verse sets in gets stuck in my head all the time. Its another song that seems to reflect back on a previous situation, but not with regret but in true reflection with a determination to move on from it or at very least to correct the mistakes from the past.

Happy (Without Me) – Haven’t we all heard this song enough already? It’s been on how many recordings now? No, that’s ok because each time it’s re-recorded it sounds much better than the last. This very well may be the definitive version of Happy. Cited as the pop song of RH, the song that record companies desired most of all to take and sign the band on, but then most likely dump after it plays its course. Its one of those hey this relationship is over and we know it, but as the title says I don’t want you to be happy without me. Simple yet selfish concept, but we’ve all been there. I know I have.

Title Withheld – By far one of the most honest tracks on the entire cd that almost feels as if it doesn’t belong here, for that reason it’s mostly entirely piano. It’s a deeper confession of what happens in the aftermath of a failed relationship and the feelings we all go through when we struggle to get back up. It begins with a confession, then a desire, then a description, then finally a resolution to give up and move on. It’s a relationship in itself. Mid way through it picks up steam when the drums and bass power in then fade away as the song concludes. Very ballad and very strong. On a personal note I was always confused by the title or lack of on the album. On the live cd I have it does have a title, but I’m not sure if it was changed for Look or if that just wasn’t the real title at all. Due to the nature of the song, I don’t think I’ll ever ask but it always made me wonder.

Life In Hell - Starting with the previous track and from here on out the album seems to shift gears drastically. The general tone goes from regret and pain to acceptance, love, as well as semi-frustration and anger as Life In Hell is full of. It begins with a wicked distortion from Luke’s bass and powers on once again in a very simple formula of verse chorus verse chorus to the end, but it doesn’t need anymore than that. After the acceptance of Title Withheld, Life In Hell is almost the semi-fall back into habits of before accomplishing such a task. You are fully aware of what has transpired and yet are now past the depression and move into the frustration of forging ahead and realizing that maybe in some sick way this is what you wanted and asked for all along when you wanted an out of the previous situation. Luke once said in a video that of the newer RH songs this was his favorite, and there’s good reason for it.

Stars – The second song I had never heard before and what I like to think of as Time Is Nothing part 1, especially live as it seems to just transition into the final track so flawlessly. Another stripped down simple song that breathes honesty. It follows a simple yet strong pattern set on by the simple clean guitar strokes for the majority of the song before it builds into a more intense version of the intro for the rest of the way out. This time the feelings of regret are reversed and its almost as looking the other way of a bad situation almost as if you were the one who made that decision and the other person is the one left in the dust seeing stars, but I’m not.

Time Is Nothing – My absolute favorite song on the album and I’ll admit favorite song period in music. I was a fan of it before this album but after they revised, beat it to death, resurrected it, and made it longer in the studio; it really did become something of a monster in its own right and gained something that was missing all along. It’s a very slow song that becomes extremely intense then backs off multiple times before giving it all its got at the very end with something of a primal scream that always reminds me of watching it be performed live as on the very last moment of the song the band always just dropped their instruments on the stage and stormed off while the distortion rings in your ears. Always the last thing you see of Resident Hero on stage. Part personal experience, part inspired by the book The Time Traveler’s Wife, Time Is Nothing is something of an epic tale without the tale in it, just sort of the lost love letters that were never read nor ever will be. It tells of love that is destined to be but never will be fully realized for some reason unknown to us. There is a past of this love, there is a present, and there would be a future if there wasn’t enough regret or something serious standing in the way. An almost I won’t let you waste your life waiting for me, nor will I let you throw it away for me despite how strong of a sense it is for both you and I. This was a very personal song for me as well that seemed to gain meaning from my previous relationship and even more meaning when it ended and the feelings were mirrored in more ways than one. Time Is Nothing and I’ll Love You Always. While Ryan didn’t write that line, he perfected it.

Behind Your Back – The “bonus track” if you will that was not originally released on the album and can only be found if you bought the album from amazon.com. Its place in the track list feels a bit tacked on and out of line with the story, but it wasn’t intended to be included in the first place as far as I can tell. That doesn’t however diminish the intensity of the song. Another song similar to the pressure as it starts off strong and heavy then backs off considerably to tell as sweet story of trial and error with a very sweet goodbye at the end of it. It may be less of an intensity after Time Is Nothing but it does bring you back to sweet remembrance of the feelings portrayed mid album when you had listened to it just minutes ago.

Look the album as a whole is a potpourri of heavy sounds, soft tones, and pure driving emotion. Some may argue that every song seems to deal with the same subject matter and perhaps that’s true, but it almost seems intentional to create a sort of story. It begins with a realization and goes through the emotions of the hardships of life, all of them. Then in the end gives an ending more realistic to life: sometimes life isn’t a fairy tale. Sometimes everything doesn’t work out the way you had planned nor the way you wanted but we live, we learn, we experience, we fail, and we have to get back up. It’s the progress in life that creates who we are from then on out. A text I received from Ryan last November says it all to me here:

“How you recover from hardships are what defines you.”

If You Can't Save This Noise, Then How The Hell Can I?

An Introspective Look At Resident Hero Part 1

Yesterday a package from amazon.com arrived in the mail. It was a copy of Resident Hero’s full length album Look. It came out in mid 2009 and I’ve been listening to it practically on a daily basis since then. So why am I just now getting around to buying a physical copy? I don’t honestly have that answer, I just know I’m glad I did. It feels complete now I suppose. Maybe it was inspired by the fact that Ryan(vocals) finally admitted that RH was done in a blog a few weeks ago. This is something I’ve both suspected for a long while and known when I’ve hung out with Jay (drums) a few times in the past few months. It doesn’t make it any less crappy however.

I first saw Resident Hero open up for Flyleaf in the spring of 2007. My first thought of them being at that show was annoyance to be honest. I went to see the show because I was just getting into Flyleaf and I was really enjoying Kill Hannah, who was also on the bill. Sick Puppies were also there whom I fell in love with as well, so that was just an extra bonus. When we got there I was annoyed hearing that a 4th band was on the bill. Anybody who goes to long concerts knows that feeling of dread when you’re already tired. But I was honestly and extremely surprised when they hit the stage. Sure on the outside I was making fun of Ryan for looking like he was batshit crazy onstage and super veiny in his neck, but the music spoke for itself and I was hooked. Even though by the time I got home from the concert I had to be up for work in a matter of hours I was busy looking up everything I could about them on the internet. I bought their EP the next day online and saw they were doubling back around with Flyleaf in Fayetteville in a few weeks. That show was much more enjoyable seeing that I was now hooked on their music and seeing them and knowing the words was even better. I bought merch, I got a picture with the band and told them how awesome they were. I was impressed with the genuine friendliness of the guys and how excited they were to be there.

Around that time they had just released their song Vendetta Black that in a nutshell is about the question they posed of “when even your heroes fail what do you do then?” From what I understand it was written when Ryan’s favorite band, a band whom he saw as really having something special and was sure to go places, ultimately fail and crumble apart at the seems. So what do you do when this happens? According to them you pick up the pieces and you forge ahead and remember the path paved for you and move on without them, but remembering them the whole way. And that’s just what Resident Hero did. They forged ahead. They never quite made it to being signed to a major label. They never truly reached nation attention. They did it all themselves. They worked hard for every step they took and every bit of success they had was made their own. They used their own money, time, effort, and energy to create a truly excellent album and got it out there themselves. They toured, fought, won, lost, and everything in-between and rocked the entire time.

The songs they played seemed to touch something inside my own life. I had finally found an artist who’s music I could listen to from beginning to end and actually feel like most everything I could relate to. There have been other bands I’ve obsessed over or could deeply relate to, but not quite like this. It almost felt like this legitimately was the soundtrack of the days I was living. And the best part is that it kept evolving as I did. What meant something to me one day took on a whole new meaning the next. It was like a living breathing thing that came along with me for the ride. The cd was left unchallenged in my car for months on end. I seriously never took it out of there and even when I did, it went right back in shortly thereafter. That’s still the case. It still has a permanent place of easy access to where I can listen to it. Time Is Nothing has become my favorite song of all time. It means something to me on so many levels and even though the faces have changed over the years, its irony of how much it follows the pattern of my own life. They were one of the greatest influences on me perusing music in my own right. The question of “if these bands can play and do their thing why cant I?” was always the focal point of why I started a band, but watching RH closely enough really made me think and feel and have hope. “If they can do it, then so can I. If only I work hard enough and believe.” And that happened too. They’ve done more for me than could be known.

My whole life I’ve never really had a hero. I’ve made that realization numerous times growing up that I just didn’t have one. I had people I admired and looked upto but no heroes. But ironically enough they became heroes to me. They fought for what they believed and never took no for an answer. They became my friends; I was able to bond with them on different and special occasions, hell they even crashed at my own house while on tour!

Then suddenly they were done. Gone. Poof. I’ve heard the stories, the reasons we were told, the reasons behind the curtain, and everything in between from the guys themselves and from what has been written down online. Near devastation to be honest. The real irony is the very thing Ryan had penned down as inspiration for Vendetta Black became their swan song and became what happened to them as well. They may be gone now as a band, but I still stay in communication with them and follow their new endeavors pretty closely. Birds of New York still has that defining pinch, but its not quite the same to me. I still love it to death, but yeah. They still continue to inspire me to this day and make me wonder to really what great lengths we all will go to to achieve our dreams and will we make it or will we fail trying? To quote Mr. White: “All My Heroes Are Dead”.

But they’ll never be forgotten.

Dreams Are Stupid Sometimes

I may be kinda dumb from time to time, but this really takes the cake. Sort of.

Last night I had a dream that I was going to see 30 Seconds To Mars in concert here in Little Rock. Mike and Sam were going to meet me there with a few other people and for some reason so was this guy from some of my classes back at school who I didn't really like very much. Oh well. I had somebody else with me but I don't remember who, but on the way to the show I went to pick up...my ex fiance and her sister to take them to the show too. : / What? Yeah that had awkward turtle written all over it. I got to their apartment and was sitting on the couch with my friend and her sister just staring at each other attempting to be civil. It was small talk at first but then after a few minutes we relaxed and were able to laugh about a couple of things so that was ok, till my ex came in. Then it got quiet and super tense. It was almost like one another wasn't in the room tho because we made absolutely no attempt at communicating with each other. We didn't make eye contact much and just pretty much pretended that neither of the other was there. Then we all piled into my car and drove to the venue in near complete silence. Once we got there we thankfully separated for a bit and I made some phone calls and Mike told me they were running late and to save their place in line.
The line was miles long and went through a few different buildings and I thought I was in it, but apparently I was in the pre-line that was 4 buildings over. Very odd. Then things got to the weird and crappy part. I got a phone call from my apparent then girlfriend who was on her way to meet me there. They both knew who each other were and it was just anger and resentfulness as soon as she got there between the two of them. A couple of clashes happened but I don't remember them very well. Then there was more waiting in line and sort of catching upto Mike who seeing my current situation tried to pretend that we hadn't seen him so he didn't have to get stuck in the middle of it either.
Then apparently there was a huge shouting match between the three of us and a big fight ensued and we were escorted into some room in the back of the building with everyone else for some impromptu counseling session? I don't know. It was a either talk this stuff out or else kind of deal. Well, that didn't go well either and more yelling happened then everybody left. Then it was just me and my gf on our way to the show which was now over and I missed the whole thing, end of dream.

Apparently my dream self wants me to lead a more soap opera life that I do now. I just woke up immediately thinking to myself "I'm dumb sometimes, but I'm not that dumb and that would never ever happen."

A Slice of Humble Pie, Almost

This past Sunday I went to church for the first time in a few months. Mostly I haven't been there due to my schedule at work, but I haven't really made too much of an effort to do so either to be honest. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and my life in relation to going to church. I've always been a pretty faithful person and believed the things I've believed, heard, seen with my own eyes, felt, heard, and the like. Always through that tried tested and true way of thinking them over before I make a solid decision. That's all great and I'm not questioning that or anything. I'm also not declaring that I've stopped believing in it or anything either cuz I haven't. I guess my real problem is myself or pride or most likely bitterness.

Let me take a step back a little. Everyone in life has their own challenges both great and small. What is a challenge to me might not be one to somebody else and vise-versa, yet in our own ways we go through difficult times from time to time. I can think of quite the handful of challenges in my life that have shaken me to my very core and almost all of them in the past ten years or so. I've not led a difficult life by any means, in fact apparently I've led a pretty sheltered life but not only due to the life that I was born into, the family I have or anything, but also due to my own choices. I've never run into a lot of struggles lots of people have in life because I've chosen to avoid them. Those things might include substance abuse or pregnancy scares or whatever. Those are really generic, but its just to illustrate my point. Not taking a moral high standpoint here either, I'm just wanting to set the stage. No, my struggles generally involve trust and the breaking of it. Betrayal or dishonesty. Sometimes just outright injustice.

Anytime I've been confronted with these major issues in my life I've always relied on the strength of my friends, family, or my faith to get through it. Its never easy and you always feel pretty broken because of it. But in the end you come out stronger and while you never wish it upon somebody else or would ever want to go through it again, but later on down the road I generally see positive results from said difficult times or even the reasoning behind them if I'm lucky. In fact a series of events from 2007 up-til 2009ish seemed to slam into me like a ton of bricks one after another. Each time I fell back, licked my wounds, but kept on trucking always continuing to believe that everything happens for a reason and kept strong in my beliefs and what I've stood for. Good, great. However all of those things seemed to culminate into a new beginning of sorts, a chance to reap the benefits of learning from my mistakes and forge ahead stronger than before. It also felt like good things were coming my way as sort of "you went through all this and came out stronger, now this is what you get for it. Congrats!" Maybe not that exactly, but it sure felt that way when I went back to school in 2009. Hell, even getting back into school at all felt like that. It was a series of not perfect times, but almost rewards and everything seemed to finally be falling into place for once. The dark night was over.

The next two years were no picnic as I had new things to overcome, myself. My pride. My obsessions. My lies. All of that I had to fix and figure out. I made huge mistakes and paid dearly for them, but it was one of the one and only times in my life that I was able to reclaim what I had lost while crawling on my knees while asking for forgiveness, ok so that had happened once before but that's a different story. But whats important is that it seemed like I had learned from my mistakes and fixed them for the most part and life continued to get better. I finally got serious about life and everything about it and it got to where I wanted it. Then everything just sort of deflated and fell apart into what I like to refer to the best/worst year of my life. Early 2010 was awesome. From about October on was awful. And it made me mad.

These things had happened similarly in my life, the difficulties, the challenges, and all that stuff. Only this time it was on a much larger scale because it felt like more of a slap in the face. It felt like "I know you worked so hard for all of this but never mind, now you get nothing". Rather than humble myself about it I got bitter and I got angry amongst my depression. Now I'm not claiming that things were deliberately taken from me or I'm claiming foul play on God by saying you took it all away from me, but I was just bitter none the less. Maybe I did blame him for what happened. Maybe I blamed myself. Maybe both. I don't know but it sure shook everything that I had believed about life and how I understood it to work and I just didn't bounce back from it. Nothing really seemed to sooth anymore after that.

But back to what I was talking about in the first place. Originally it was embarrassment. I didn't want to answer those questions of "when is the date?" "what are you going to do? tell me about her" etc etc. Then it was just being annoyed of hearing about/seeing happy people around me. Then just bitterness of seeing people who I started to judge as crappier than me doing really deceitful things in life, yet still having the one thing in the world I wanted the most. That stability. that feeling of having that one special person who matters to you the most and whom you matter to the most. The thing I thought I had then lost. This time it almost felt personal and a waste of my time. Among the other feelings I had had about the situation and my feelings of being lost, the most often that came to mind was "why the hell did I go through all of that just to be happy and finally have some sort of rest only to have it taken away in an instant?" Rather than ponder it out, I just shut everything out instead. So it became faking enthusiasm of going. Then showing up late but still being there. Then zoning out instead of paying attention, to going for the first hour then going back home and going to bed to finally just not going at all. I guess that's what inactivity feels like.

Flash forward to this week and I went back this past Sunday. I had finally talked to my boss about moving my schedule on Sundays to let me come in a few hours later so that I could attend church like they told me I could do when I was hired but never did. I suppose a happier ending to this entry would to describe some fantastical moment of clarity as I went. Or some bold words of wisdom that made me think and give me hope once again, but nah. That honestly happens more often than not, but not this time. This time its just one of those well....you either do it or you don't. Maybe I've finally started to soften my heart a little to the point of hey maybe I should apologize about that, but I'm not there yet. So in the meantime I'll just take it a step at a time. I've never stopped believing, and I don't think I will, like I said I'm just a little bitter that's all. But even that's changing ever so slowly.

Things Have Changed For Me

So.... made this page look like a box of crayons vomited up some colors here. Oke doke. Why not?

Today I was thinking about some things I wanted to differently with my life, as I have been recently, and one of those I thought about I had done in the past and that has to do with my body itself. I'm doing a bit better about eating in general and that's great, but I know to keep it up I not only have to eat a lot, but I need to be eating a lot of the right things. Now I know that I don't have to go on any sort of you can't eat this or that because weight really isn't a problem or factor here. Nor are calories or anything like that. Well, in terms of too many I suppose. I don't eat a lot of sweets to begin with anymore, nor candy, or chocolate. I don't know when I stopped eating so much of it, but I'm not too broken hearted about it either. I do however drink a lot of soda and that just makes you feel kinda urpy in your stomach from time to time. The last two summers I was out in Rexburg I really cut down on it and drank mostly water, well not last summer but the summer before anyway, and I felt fantastic. Maybe that will be the start.

Tack onto that some exercise as well. Its nice and warm daily here and hasn't gone full out hot hot heat yet so its time to start biking again. Its just too bad that Conway isn't very bike friendly and trying to go anywhere with my day is just too much of a hassle. Oh well, I can get some in anyway. Lots of other things like getting better amounts of sleep would help too as my sleeping habits are somewhat of a mystery to me these days. Maybe I can even get some sun this summer instead of being the vampire that I have been for the past 3 or 4 years? I think that's a great idea.

I should probably get a haircut at some point too, but I don't feel like it. But that's the start I'm going to make and so lets have at it.

Sleep Is A Luxury That I Cannot Afford

Why is it so much harder to wake up and function to get to work by 9am than it is to be there at 5am? This is a concept I'll never understand.

Nor will I understand that in my 26 years of existence that when you have a complicated schedule coming up that you should get ahead or at least stick to the schedule you have so that when things do get more busy. Argh.. because I'm dumb thats why. Here's a look at the forecast:

-work 9-4 today
-head to Derek's to boo at myself for T3 practice
-take a break and head to The Rev Room to see Belair play and boo at Jameson for awhile because he's a horrible horrible guitarist. (this joke never gets old to me as my favorite part of any show of theirs is to boo and yell at him around people who don't get that he's my friend and I'm not being serious then proceed to get pissed at me. Especially when I write on their wall on facebook the next morning praising the band but informing them of how much he sucks and they need to kick him out.) I'm an ass.
-go back home and yell at myself some more for not finishing up this wedding video in all the time in the world that I've had this past week to work on it before staying up super late tonight finishing it so I can get paid for it tomorrow
-attempt to sleep for a few hours? *crosses fingers*
-drive to Memphis for a very short lived reunion with an old friend
-drive straight back to go straight to work most likely for the 5am shift.
Boo. I'm an idiot sometimes. I miss the days of my last couple of semesters of college where I had forced myself to have homework and other projects done at least 3 or 4 days in advance.

Also I'm apparently deeper into another confusing situation than I thought. Or what else does it mean when a conversation turns to:
"You're not exempt either."
"?? From what?"
"Making my life complicated."

How did my hat get thrown into the ring there? I was pretty sure I gave up on that a few months ago, but apparently I was already in. *sigh* These sorts of things never come up when I'm actually happy about being on my own do they, nooooo sir.

What are coincidences anyway?

It's no wonder I get as fed up with life as I do when every time I attempt to fix things, or even made that solid decision to fix things something else crumbles around me.

I had just made a resolution last night/this morning too and its just irony that right after I find out that yes indeed something else got taken away. To anyone else this won't mean anything I'm sure, but considering my circumstances its a pretty big deal to me. I've been very picky about friendships that I've held onto in the past few years and even now I've questioned some and wondered about others during these difficult times the last 6 months or so. Friends that have been not quite as friendly and others that have shown more support than I thought.

Above all else tho I honestly had been getting the most support from my mom, my friend Julie, and then out of nowhere my buds Amanda and Ryan. While mom is mom and Julie is a very good listening long distance friend, Amanda and Ryan were right here and have been right here every step of the way. They reminded me of what friendships were like when we were kids. Non judgmental, overly friendly, always wanting to hear your opinions and respecting your thoughts, you know making you feel like you're important to them because you are. I haven't had such an overwhelmingly good feeling from people in a long while. Don't get me wrong, I've got a lot of very good and close friends, but this was something different. I really felt at peace when we'd hang out, then suddenly I got a phone call as to why I haven't been able to get a hold of them over the weekend: they're gone.

I can't blame them, its a family situation and they're doing whats right in their hearts in a difficult situation but now they're gone. Selfishly it brought some tears to be honest to feel something that close torn away again right when everything was starting to feel right. Who else has been making me feel good about myself while also being optimistic about my own thoughts. Man, life just seems too tough sometimes and it really feels like somebody is just out to get me with how many times I start to crawl back up then just get slapped right back down again.

But today is...

For no reason in particular I feel a little better this morning.

Last night was stress and a feeling of being a little lost, but this morning for the first time in a long while a little bit of peace. I think I had a moment of clarity last night before I went to bed and probably figured out a few things for myself that I had been trying to for awhile now. Or maybe it was the full nights sleep. Or maybe it was the letter I wrote right before I went to bed. Or the dreams I had (that last one most likely no because it involved me talking to that Beiber kid and being friendly? Yeah...that'll get brought up in my next blog about dreams for sure). Maybe it was something I read this morning. Who knows, but one this for sure is that I think despite decisions I thought I had made yesterday I thought about again last night and I think I'm figuring a few more things out. But lets just stick with that little bit of peace feeling and for the first time in a good while, hope.

Today was..

Today while it didn't feel like it was progressive to say the least:

-finally got access to both websites for my two loans so I can start a direct deposit into them starting with my paycheck this weekend
-got the give go about being paid for that wedding video, so this month might actually prove to get a little ahead in savings perhaps if I'm smart about it?
-talked and thought a bit more about moving whenever I do in the near future. Its going to happen I just wonder when
-took a nap. that didn't help anything, but it was the perfect temperature in my room so its ok
-made lots of other conscious decisions about the near future
-tried not to think about the what ifs and what would bes this week (didn't do so hot on that, but I'm getting better at it).

So I'll call it progress if any I suppose. I'm having the hardest time with that last one currently as its really wrecking everything about me at the moment. I'm a person who remembers dates, times, memories, and the like of relationships, friendships, and other ships almost to the point of obsession which is great when I'm involved in them still but its pretty horrible if things don't work out. These next two weeks are going to be just awful because of that. Hopefully they'll get better otherwise. And hopefully I can stop thinking that instead of heading to Memphis this weekend I would be heading to Isabella instead. : / Oh well.

The Resistence

I was talking briefly to my friend today who gave me the go ahead about his apartment and that's pretty exciting. And sooner than I though too. Now the question is will I be financially able to then or do I need to wait a bit longer? Who knows, but it is nearly a done deal and that's a-ok. Not surprisingly I'm getting not the most encouragement from home about it, but this is what I feel like I need to do. I can't just sleep through my life anymore, hard blows to the head or not, its time for a change. I physically cannot just sit and wait for something to happen in my life anymore, I've gotta make something happen even if I don't quite know what that is.

Thinking about this however made me think of a letter I got not too long ago and made me think of how hypocritical both myself and the person who wrote it to me are. Irony is bitter and crappy. Oh well, no fixing it now.

Feigning Fatigue

While I was doing mindless tasks at work today I was trying to think up a reason why I'm doing the things I'm doing with my life currently. So long I've been making excuses for myself, my behavior, and most of all my complacency of where I'm at in the current moment, that I sometimes remember why I'm living in the first place. I blamed it this morning on being tired in general, most likely because at the moment I was just physically tired as I am right now which is probably why it reminded me.

I think its a generally universal trait we all have at some points in our lives. We tend to get comfortable where we are and while we might be in a good place or a bad place, we're just ok how things are. Its any wonder anybody ever gets anything done in life because of how easy it is to get in a habit or in a trend of living that we don't strive for anything better.

Lately that's what has been on my mind, what is it that I want anymore? I'm still not sure of the answer, but at least I'm recognizing that where I'm at is not where I want to be. People in general are lazy. We always tend to just drift towards the easiest option in life that makes it more of a comfortable ride. However we sit back and enjoy the little things in life that were made possible because somebody out there didn't do that. Ironic isn't it? Inventions, advances in technology, music, movies, just about everything in life is somebody's accomplishment. Its somebody standing up and saying hey, I'm not ok with just kicking my feet up and relaxing. If we want to accomplish anything in life or make a name for ourselves we just have to do it. No sitting and thinking about it, just get up and do it. Ok well, yeah you have to think about it, but honestly you can make a tiny plan then think up the rest as you go along. You adjust your plans as you walk according to the situation and surroundings you're in.

I don't know what inspired this today, maybe its just my feeble attempt to get back into writing in this blog, or anything for that matter. I'm still having the hardest time being motivated to do anything. I'm drifting, slowly towards a semi goal I've come up with, but instead of drifting I should just get out of the raft and hike it the rest of the way. It'll feel more worth it that way. And hey, today provided one of those little footholds that might help speed up the process, but who knows. I dunno. I think first on my list even before other changes is to change my sleeping habits just a little. I'm currently getting the minimal sleep for work, which is ok since my job doesn't require the biggest amount of brain power, but it might help me be more active after I get off work. At least I cut out naps all together. Shock and awe! But hey, you do what you have to do in order to get some work done right? Now if I'd just get on getting that work done I'd be all set. :)

ho hum

I honestly just don't have anything to say in here anymore or about anything in general it seems. Maybe I'm just in a funk. Ok, no maybe I just am. I haven't really written anything musically in awhile either in any of my three projects that I've got going on. I just don't feel very creative at the moment. I've got my hands in quite a few projects at the moment but they've all come to a stand still.

Alternatively, I've started making some of the steps I had outlined to fix a few things in my life a little at a time and that's working out very very slowly, but any progress in my life at the moment is better than none. First step has been finances and while still not back on my feet yet, I'm at least figuring out this plan I have to get myself a little more stable. Once that is accomplished its a two headed dragon of getting back on the job train of something that would actually justify me going to school in the first place, or at very least something that won't make me sweat to cover my bills every month. The other head being moving out. I know that I could technically live here for as long as I want and it would be easy and nice and all that jazz, but that wouldn't make life any better. I'm 26 and still living at home. Its been very helpful at various points to have a place I can rest my head while I recover from various hardships over the years but I really don't think its going to be any more helpful for me to keep running back to a safe haven anymore. I wouldn't be where I am today nor have been able to get through everything I have had I not had that option and I'm extremely grateful for it but still, its time to take the bad with the good in life and do it on my own. I probably should have done it a long time ago, but hey you can't change the past so whatever. If things had turned out differently I'd either already had moved out by now or about to anyway so I guess that plan hasn't changed, just delayed.

There are other things in the mix that make life a little more complicated but honestly I think its the good kind of complicated at the moment. And thats ok too. I'm actually smiling thinking about it, but hey thats a good thing right?

Cycles

I am having the hardest time writing these days and I don't know why. Maybe I'm just not as fired up about things as I used to be. In life in general I'm sure not. I'm just being lazy for the most part.

My daily route-en has pretty much settled into place and that's just crappy. While there are couple of changes recently I'm still just mucking about and thats well eh.

Yesterday was an odd day for me. I went with Bill to Jacksonville to film a wedding for a friend of mine. The ceremony was nice and it was a pleasant evening and honestly wasn't as awkward as I thought it was going to be. Did I mention the friend was an ex-girlfriend? Yeah thats a little odd. It didn't really bother me tho and thats ok. I really didn't think it would be in the sense of who it was or the people who would be there anyway. I did get a lot of odd stares from people tho. However, I think that was because a majority of the people in attendance were dressed in leather bike gear and I was wearing a very nice black suit, but who knows.

The real thing I thought would bother me and maybe it did but just a little, was the whole wedding in general. I found it quite ironic yesterday as I put that suit on that it was the first time I had worn it at all since I bought it and I was wearing it to an ex-girlfriends wedding. One that was only 3 weeks away from when mine was supposed to be. I think part of whats odd is that it didn't register to me much during the wedding itself. The only conclusion that I came up with is that while I've been pretty devastated these last few months in the cycle of maybe she'll come back to can I figure a way to work something out to she's not coming back and back again and all that, I stopped thinking about the wedding at all. That day that I called to cancel the date we had set I haven't really thought much about it. I started focusing instead on the person itself instead of the event. Sure getting married was going to be the best thing ever because it was with the person I cared about the most in the world, but after all that it was just her and only her that I thought about. Most likely full knowing that marriage was completely off the table from here on out unless things somehow worked out in the future but even then it would be far off from there as well if it ever came up again. But I digress.

So thats an evening that went alright and I'm glad didn't completely floor me like I thought it would, now I just need to hope that the day a few weeks from now will be the same.